Look at the size of my bonus? Not half!

A leading international banker writes:

"Hello. Over recent weeks, there has been much huffing and puffing over the thorny issue of bankers and their huge bonuses. And I'm bound to say that it is, for the most part, stuff and nonsense. The world financial system is in turmoil right now and I would simply like to ask  you this: Who do you reckon's going sort out this infernal mess? Politicians? Mandarins? Technocrats? Not bloody likely! What do they know about the complexities of financial systems??

"Let me offer you an analogy that might explain the predicament we're currently facing:-

"Just imagine for one moment, if you will, that you have decided to take your family on a bit of an adventure holiday this year. You possess a state-of-the-art 4x4 and you fancy going on a trek, venturing out to some sparsely populated region of, say, Eastern Europe or Asia.

"Of course, your family members are not quite as gung-ho as you and are concerned that the region you've chosen is not somewhere you'd want to break down.

"You re-assure them that your 4x4 is too big, expensive and technologically sound to fail. You tell them that these 'mommas' just do not break down. And anyway, even if you do encounter minor difficulties, your Premium Insurance Plan will pick you up from anywhere in the world and get you to the nearest registered dealer - however far away that may be.

"So, off you go, exploring the more unspoilt regions of Eastern Europe, encountering no problems whatsoever, until, on day six of your trip, you discover that a problem with the automatic clutch transmission is creating a strange clunking sound whenever you pull away from junctions (assuming they have any junctions in this God-forsaken part of the world!)

"But it isn't a problem. You can still drive the damn thing and eventually you make your way to some fellow claiming to be a registered dealer in the nearest town one hundred and fifty miles away. He says that he knows what the problem is and can sort it out if you leave the car with him overnight. You check into the local five star hotel (assuming there is one) on the assumption everything will be okay by morning.

"But when you return, what do you find? The idiot has somehow blown up the engine and it is going to cost you a fortune to have it fixed. You expect him to do the job for free since he caused it, but he refuses. He says it was "circumstances beyond my control, Sir". What are you going to do, drive it away to the next town? You can't, it's buggered. Have it towed away to the next town, only to find some other goon who will charge you even more, and who might create even greater havoc?

"You get onto the insurance company and they tell you that since the car is already at a registered dealer there is nothing more they can do. You'll have to use this guy or fork out for the car to be towed to the next town, to the next overpriced goon.

"So you stick with the devil you know. You tell the mechanic to go ahead. You're stuck in this hell-hole for two weeks, whilst he ships in the parts and drafts in the (monumentally overpriced) labour to help sort the job out. You end up paying ten times what he quoted and you probably won't be able claim it all on insurance.

"But what else could you do? He was a registered dealer at least. He ordered the right parts and managed to get your car back on the road (eventually). There was no-one else qualified to do the job (apart from the idiot in the nearest town two hundred miles away).

"But hey, look on the bright side. At least you're motoring again!

"So anyway, where was I?

"Yes, what I was going to say is that we bankers, we're a bit like that car dealer /mechanic in my analogy (or the dealer in the next town or in the town beyond that.) We might have caused the problem in the first place. We might charge an arm and a leg to sort out the problem. You might feel that we've got you over a barrel.

"But - and this is a big but - who the hell else do you think is going to get you back on the road?"

"Eh?"

Most wanted

A year is a long time in politics... and economics and finance... and sociology... and geopolitical turmoil... and, of course, blogging.
So... here are some of the most visited items of the past year...

1) Monday, 17 January 2011

Leveraging and facilitating the collaborative envelope

We asked a local authority boss to comment on the current round of public sector reforms and the need to deliver less targets and more solutions-focused efficiencies during this time of austerity. (Continued...)

2) Thursday, 27 January 2011

Sex, drugs, and hack and roll

How will future generations regard the recent phone hacking allegations? Will writers, even poets craft a perspective on this free-for-all that rises above the daily revelations regarding who hacked whom? It's possible. Some fiction writers suggest historical events are often best viewed through the prism of literary narrative... or, at least, words to that effect. (Continued...)

3) Saturday, 5 February 2011

LOCAL COUNCIL NOTICE: Library closures

"Due to central government's negative policy of reducing funding for the provision of public services from local councils in Britain, it is with much regret and sorrow that we have to state we have no option but to proceed with cuts to certain non-essential, and, in addition, some less-than-essential, services. To this effect it has been and will be necessary from now on to offer a less thorough and comprehensive library lending service to the men, women and children within this community, notwithstanding the variable hardships that this might or might not bring about. (Continued...)

4) Sunday, 13 February 2011

BAFTAS! The Thing's Speech.

The thing about the BAFTAS... really is... the speech

"I would like to say or rather we would like to say how honoured I or rather we are to be here tonight honouring you honouring us honouring you honouring us honouring you dressed as we are in these beautiful Valentino dresses or are they Armani tuxedos? (Continued...)

5) Sunday, 20 February 2011

We're all royalty now.

What's the world coming to when the Duchess of York is not invited to the Royal Wedding whilst those arrivistes the Beckhams are? We asked pop culture's No.1 power couple to give their "historical perspective" on such matters.

David: Well the way I look at it is, we all come from the same place in the end.

Victoria: Or in the beginning, Dave (Continued...)

6) Thursday, 3 March 2011

A doctor a day keeps the Apple away

Advertisement:

Every so often we give a leading tech company a free plug. We hope this'll encourage it to shove loads of advertising our way. Failing that it fills column inches. Today we look at the iFad2, released yesterday to universal acclaim by a man wearing jeans and a black turtle neck jumper. (Continued...)

7) Monday, 14 March 2011

UN if you want to...

What if -
As the world agonises over whether to impose a no-fly zone over Libya, we ask what Neville Chamberlain's declaration of war might have sounded like if the UN had been around in 1939 and all humanitarian intervention had to be referred to the security council... (Continued...)

8) Sunday, 24 April 2011

Judge Dreadful

At a time when victimised celebrities the world over are coming under sustained attack from the "Freedom of Information League" one man defends the rights of those celebrities. His name is Judge Dreadful - though he sometimes operates under the aliases "Judge Needy" or "Judge Dodgy". (Continued...)

9) Thursday, 5 May 2011

Afterlife 2

(An autocrat and a terrorist bogeyman discuss conspiracy theories)

Osama: You heard the latest conspiracy theory, brother? (Continued...)

10) Wednesday, 10 August 2011

The Riots - An ex-Mayor gives his take

"It's obvious to anyone (such as myself) who knows a thing or two about the citizens of the capital city as well as of this country, and especially the young citizens moreover, that this outbreak of violence we're seeing around the country is due to the vicious cuts perpetrated by this coalition government. (Continued...)


11) Saturday, 27 August 2011

Screw the plot! What about the sub-plot?

Peter Oborne? Charles Moore? These days it’s the right not the left who are focusing on the excesses of capitalism. Maybe we never had a free market in the first place. (Continued...)


12) Saturday, 5 November 2011

The Global University

Coursework: The Long Term Benefits of Globalisation - Part 3a, Section 2.

Our very own Professor Gspot offers the following criteria for global economic harmony:
"Once the multiple and diverse economies of the global community have become fully and soundly integrated (Continued...)


13) Saturday, 12 November 2011

We're no wise-guys!

"I would like to comment on what I deem to be the somewhat inappropriate remarks made by a certain Mr. Watson during the select committee hearing that I had the good fortune to attend this week. (Continued...)


14) Friday, 18 November 2011

The Lyricism of the Technocrat

"You know, just because we are supposedly grey, unelected technocrats, this does not mean that we are thinking, sleeping and dreaming in barren prose all of the time. (Continued...)


15) Monday, 5 December 2011

'Cos they said so...

What brought on the summer riots? (Continued...)

End of Year Quiz

Who, in 2011, said the following?


- "They say I am a bad man because I hurt lot of people in my time. But I have many good reasons for doing these things. After I have seen this terrible September Eleven disaster movie all those years ago with all these planes and these towers falling down, then I take decision I must hate these mass destruction weapons as much as everyone else. It is then that I realise it is wrong to have these mass destruction weapons and it is much, much better to torture people instead - which is something I have always been very good at."

- "G'day! Now, say what you like about the PCC. But nahbody can deny they dealt with these press complaints in a dignified, sensitive and, most important of all, a restrained manner. And long may that continue. Good on yer, PCC!"

- "Sure I'd hand your London School of Economics a donation if that could play a part in my "rehabilitation". And I guess the guys at the LSE would accept it - after all, my "rehabilitation" would be good news for them too. Right? Added to that they get the chance to fund some cutting edge research into good governance within the criminal underworld. So you might just call it a win-win situation."

- “Yeah, well the reason I went out the other day and smashed all them shop windows was cos I was angry when they withdrew the edducashonal mentinanc… the educachinell minetinence allouwan… the educcasinall maintinnin… cos I needed a new 42 inch plasma TV.”

- "Mr Murdoch once called me "a very political old monk shuffling around in Gucci shoes". I wonder what kind of foot-wear Mr. Murdoch will be wearing in his next incarnation."


- "Where has all of da money gone? I do not know. This is not easy to explain, I tell you. But one thing that I do know is the whores, which we all know to be very important to society, they do not pay any of the taxes. So maybe this tax situation of these whores, that has a something to do with it. Perhaps."

Special Offer! Peace on Earth!

Peace on earth* goodwill toward men*

*Offer not open to ambulance-chasing lawyers and insurers, bureaucrats, bonus-grabbing bankers, producers of crap advertising, feral youth, feral rich, bureaucrats, PRs, lobbyists, bureaucrats, oligarchs, off-shore bankers, makers of reality TV shows, corrupt newspaper proprietors/editors, liars, cheats, frauds, Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan... and, er bureaucrats.

In praise of The Freedom of Information Act

An 'insider' writes:

"Far be it from me to  *REDACTED*

"It is indeed unacceptable that *REDACTED*

"And despite everything we know about  *REDACTED*

"And essentially that's my p  *REDACTED*

An Ode to Joy

A Eurocrat writes:

"Fortune shines once again on the illustrious Eurocrats - at least as far as certain sections of your British media are concerned!

"Only a while ago we were a bunch of grey and indistinctive men in suits with inane grins on our faces. Only a while ago we were the "load of idiots" who had apparently got Europe into this mess in the first place.

"And now, what a turn around for the books, is it not?

"For it is now your Monsieur Camion who is in the dog-house for not wanting to offer up your oh-so-cherished British sovereignty to grey and indistinctive "idiots" like ourselves in Brussels! And what an isolationist he has shown himself to be!

"How happy I am to see your British media changing its mind! It is all making me want to sing an Ode To Joy!

"You millions, I embrace you.
This kiss is for all the world!
Brothers, above the starry canopy
There must dwell a loving Father.
Do you fall in worship, you millions?
World, do you know your creator?
Seek him in the heavens;
Above the stars must He dwell."

"What a shame it is that you British in your (not very substantial nor visionary) millions have not the desire to share the love and the warm embrace that we Eurocrats have to offer you. Perhaps it is because you still believe that we are "bunch of idiots in Brussels" who got Europe into this mess in the first place.

"But I can assure you that nothing could be further from the truth!"

'Cos they said so...

What brought on the summer riots?

We've assembled a panel of experts - journalists, sociologists, socio-psychologists, psycho-sociologists, social journalists, Guardian journalists, social networkers, psycho-networkers, concerned politicians, academics, concerned academics, Guardian Newspaper academics, and, members of the LSE - who claim they know why the riots took place.

They know because they've engaged with the rioters, talked to them directly. And they have, quite justifiably, taken the words of these rioters as Gospel.

According to our statistics the rioters acted as they did for the following reasons:-

99.98 % claimed hostility towards the Police, even though the Police were nowhere to be seen at the time.

99.45% claimed it was down to the Police and the very fact that they were nowhere to be seen at the time.

97.98 % said it was to do with the shooting of Mark Duggan, even though 99 % of these respondents also asked: "Who's Mark Duggan?"

98.3746 % cited poverty and the fact that everybody has the right to a 40" plasma TV.

93.456 % blamed poor parenting - their parents brought them up believing they had the right to a plasma TV. In addition, many parents were involved in the riots.


This appears to be proof, were proof required, that all other explanations for the summer riots are unfounded. And this is because the rioters have said so.

Now, the unfounded explanations for the riots are as follows:-

10.2101 % claimed downright criminality, which we opinion-formers have taken with a pinch of salt and interpreted as quite simply mistaken.

3.454 % have raised the issue of gang culture. But then they would raise it, wouldn't they, what with everyone in the media telling them gang culture was to blame?

The Information Commissioner's Rap

Ever wondered what an Information Commissioner does for a living? We asked our "resident commissioner" to rap on the subject...

I'm da commissioner.
The info MC
There's nothing, no info
Don't pass by me

Got my powers
From da powers-that-be
They said my job
Was to "oversee"

"Oversee what?" I asked
"Will you please tell me?"
"Personal data," say they
Of guys like you and me."

"But what do I do
When Rupert M wants our data?"
"Dunno," say they
"Get back to you later?"

Chorus:  

Much, much later...
Much much later... 
So much later... 
All da sensitive data.

Stop the presses!

What happened to "characters" previously depicted on these pages?

1) Did the predictions of a mad Libyan oligarch come true?

"These crazy rebels, they will use Libya's oil money to buy drugs from that Satan Obama. These drugs will make the rebels dream insane dreams. The ordinary citizen will think he can eat the desert sands and eat the camels, all the camels in Libya, even the brother sister's camels, and after that he will want to eat the tent in which he live and the tent in which I live too. And soon after that, all the camels in Libya and everywhere, they too will want to eat all the tents. And after that happen, President Osama, he will send his dogs into Libya. And he will have given them guns and hallucinatory drugs as well. Those dogs, they will then want to shoot the camels and eat them. And then the sands, they will swallow up the camels and the tents and the peoples. And all of Libya will disappear into nowhere. I ask you: What kind of hallucinations is that? Not my kind, peoples. Not my kind."

2) What happened to the man brought in to advise on breast-milk ice-cream?

"I have looked long and hard at female breasts. As a rich source of nourishment for developing infants, breasts are invaluable. But I do not believe we should look at breasts - common though they may be - as something to be taken for granted, that is to say, as the basis for food production. Would it not be so much simpler for retailers to produce and market breast-milk flavoured ice cream?"

3) What's up with Lord Prescott?

"Just because I have decided to don the ermine which has always been the very insignia of working class oppressors through the ages, it in  no way, shape or form suggests that I am about to surrender my fight with those who would undermine those values and those  beliefs that I have fought for all of my working life to overcome.

"However I would like to state without uncertainty that those rumours suggesting I am about to follow the path of Comrade Blair and adopt the learnings and the rituals of the Pontiff in Rome and the acceptance of the Latin Mass have no foundation nor  justification here on earth nor anywhere else at this present time."

4) Large Hadron Collider - Despite a stack of money being thrown at this Geneva based "experiment" scientists now indicate the Higgs-Boson particle might not actually exist after all. Here's what we said previously:-

Hadron Collider will be sold to developers

The powers that be have come up with a novel solution: convert the collider into a theme park, which will include a Super-Collider Fun Ride, plus an activity centre that'll show people how to make their own Higgs-Bozo particle.

Fashion designers will launch a range of "Collision" Clothing and toy manufacturers will produce scale models of the particle - which should provide hours of fun for children.

Asked to comment on these developments, a scientist called Ron said: “We might as well put the collider to some use.  And anyway, I was sick of my mates saying: You know what? We’ve been had Ron.”

5) What became of all those esoteric financial products that bankrupted global economies?

"Guys, guys, guys... collateralised debt obligations are so last season.We've an exciting new range of products nowadays. For example: "Collateralised vulture re-purchase funds", "re-collateralised quantitative easing obligations", "de-collateralised sub-prime re-purchase profits-only obligations", "fractionally-collateralised inflationary no-lose take-profit obligations", "quasi-collateralised bonus obligation obligations", and the latest "un-reconstructed massive-bonus re-newal obligations".

So don't say that bankers haven't changed. In fact we've totally re-invented ourselves!"

The original "stories" can be found by using the search engine to the right!

Everybody needs good neighbours

From the archive:-

These days Select Committee hearings focus mainly on policing and the behaviour of the tabloid press (the televised ones do, at least.) But not that long ago it was bankers who were in the spotlight.

On one occasion back in early 2010, the boss of RBS, Stephen Hester, tried to laugh off his exorbitant pay packet. Here's how this blog viewed his performance back then. (How times have changed...):-

MONDAY, 11 JANUARY 2010 - "10 million pound RBS Boss: Even my parents think I'm a greedy bastard."

RBS boss Stephen Hester gave evidence to the Treasury select committee yesterday afternoon. This is the "transcript" of that evidence.

John McFall, MP: May I ask, what do your parents think of you, Mr Hester?

Hester: They think I'm a greedy bastard.

(Roars of laughter in the committee room)

McFall: (Wiping tears from his eyes) Very good, Mr Hester. If I may say, that is an excellent joke. And one that I would expect from someone of your great stature. Now moving on, what does your wife think of you?

Hester: She thinks I'm a greedy bastard, but she likes the new kitchen.

(Derision throughout the chamber. Sound of MPs and journalists falling off their chairs)

McFall: You're in the wrong job, Mr Hester. You're a regular comedian, are you not? Were I head of light entertainment at the BBC I would pay you at least twenty million.

Hester: Indeed you would Mr McFall. Indeed you would.

(More laughter and derision.)

McFall: (Fighting to hold back the tears) Too much, too much, Mr Hester... Now, Mr H. What do your children think of you? And please, please take your time. I haven't yet wiped away all of those tears that your last joke caused.

Hester: What do my children think? Well, Tom loved the Porsche. Tallulah adored the new pony and paddock, whilst Ed thinks I'm God after I bought him the recording studio.

(The chamber descends into chaos)

McFall: I have never come across such flair, such elegant wit. I am lucky to be here at this moment in time. Indeed, very lucky. Now, Mr Hester, what do your neighbours make of you?

Hester: My neighbours think I'm a greedy bastard. That's because they are envious. They tell people in our local village that I am a tosser. But they have to be nice to my face. You see, each year my family throws the most lavish summer ball in the county. If neighbours Ron and Val don't show due deference whenever they are in my company then they will find themselves very much uninvited. So, Ron and Val... who are the tossers now, eh? Eh?

(Howls of laughter around the chamber)

McFall: (Trying to compose himself) We are witnessing pure genius. None could ever possibly question your salary, however high it might be, Mr Hester. You are indeed a man who is not simply rich in monetary terms, but also in terms of your character, your spirit and your charming humour. Now, Mr Hester. One final question: What does the taxpayer think of you, do you reckon?

Hester: The taxpayer? Who the hell gives a fuck about them?

When bankers were (just as) powerful.

On BBC2 this evening satirist Ian Hislop will take a look at philanthropy within the Victorian banking community. He will focus on characters like Peabody, Gurney and Rothschild all of whom "gave something back to society".

But before we get too excited, we should remember there was one thing Victorian bankers were as loathe to "give back" as their modern counterparts. Namely, power.

Here are a couple of relevant quotes (lest we forget) :-

Baron Nathan Mayer de Rothschild:

“I care not what puppet is placed upon the throne of England to rule the Empire on which the sun never sets. The man that controls Britain’s money supply controls the British Empire, and I control the British money supply.”

Rt. Hon. Reginald McKenna, Midland Bank, England's Secretary of the Exchequer:

"Those who create and issue money and credit direct the policies of government and hold in the hollow of their hands the destiny of the people."

Problem is, how do you encourage bankers to give (power) back to society?

The Lyricism of the Technocrat

A technocrat writes:

"You know, just because we are supposedly grey, unelected technocrats, this does not mean that we are thinking, sleeping and dreaming in barren prose all of the time. No! On the contrary. You will be aware that my good friend and fellow Europhile, Herman Von Rompuy has a great love of the Japanese art of Haiku. And we have been seeing many of his great works in such a respect over recent years.

"I too would love to share with you one of my efforts in the art of poetry. It is a clever and challenging variation on the words of that great chap and fellow St. Francis of Assisi. And I hope that you will a-see-see the true poignancy of my work (that sentence was what you British might call a pun - of sorts, anyhow!)

"Where there is discord, may we bring fiscal harmonisation,
Where there is error, may we bring political formalisation,
Where there is doubt, may we bring jargon (of the Euro-specific variety),
And where there is despair, may you lot simply get used to it."

"These are my heartfelt words and I hope you will understand where I am now coming from! Thank you.