Monday, 5 December 2011

'Cos they said so...

What brought on the summer riots?

We've assembled a panel of experts - journalists, sociologists, socio-psychologists, psycho-sociologists, social journalists, Guardian journalists, social networkers, psycho-networkers, concerned politicians, academics, concerned academics, Guardian Newspaper academics, and, members of the LSE - who claim they know why the riots took place.

They know because they've engaged with the rioters, talked to them directly. And they have, quite justifiably, taken the words of these rioters as Gospel.

According to our statistics the rioters acted as they did for the following reasons:-

99.98 % claimed hostility towards the Police, even though the Police were nowhere to be seen at the time.

99.45% claimed it was down to the Police and the very fact that they were nowhere to be seen at the time.

97.98 % said it was to do with the shooting of Mark Duggan, even though 99 % of these respondents also asked: "Who's Mark Duggan?"

98.3746 % cited poverty and the fact that everybody has the right to a 40" plasma TV.

93.456 % blamed poor parenting - their parents brought them up believing they had the right to a plasma TV. In addition, many parents were involved in the riots.

This appears to be proof, were proof required, that all other explanations for the summer riots are unfounded. And this is because the rioters have said so.

Now, the unfounded explanations for the riots are as follows:-

10.2101 % claimed downright criminality, which we opinion-formers have taken with a pinch of salt and interpreted as quite simply mistaken.

3.454 % have raised the issue of gang culture. But then they would raise it, wouldn't they, what with everyone in the media telling them gang culture was to blame?