Wednesday, 7 April 2010
The election spluttered into life yesterday as party leaders travelled the length and breadth of the land bothering shoppers and travellers. But some observers thought that the adoring crowds greeting the Prime Minister at St Pancras Station were not as spontaneous as they seemed.
PM: (To an attractive brunette) So, tell me. What do you do?
Brunette: I work for the Labour party.
PM: What a coincidence. So do I.
Brunette: I know. I can't believe my luck. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
PM: (To man with a beard.) Hello. And what do you do?
Bearded man: I work for the Labour party.
PM: How marvellous. That's what she does. (Points to brunette).
Bearded man: I know. Staggering coincidence, isn't it? But then, who wouldn't want to work for the party?
PM: Very true. (Moves onto a bunch of students, shakes hands) And what do you lot do? Surprise me. Are you students at one of our fabulously well-endowed seats of learning?
Students: (In unison) Yes we are, but right now we are volunteers... for the Labour party!
PM: (Wipes a tear from his eye.) What a marvellous coincidence. Yet more people who want just one thing. A Labour victory!
Adviser: (Approaches the PM) Prime Minister, perhaps you should tone this coincidence thing down. Don't want to draw people's attention to it. (Points to BBC film crew nearby).
PM: No, of course. Well, this crowd cannot all be party workers... (Chuckles) Or can they? (He moves on to a short, middle-aged man in a rain coat) And what do you do?
Bald man: I'm a serial killer.
PM: (Confused) I didn't think we employed any serial killers. (Looks to his adviser).
Adviser: I think it was supposed to be a joke, Prime Minister. You know, light relief.
PM: (Smiles uneasily) Oh, I see. Yes, very good, very funny.
Bald man: In actual fact I'm not a serial killer. I actually...
PM: (Cuts in) Don't tell me. Labour party?
Bald man: No, I'm unemployed.
PM: Oh, dear.
Bald man: But I'm a fully paid up party member.
PM: Oh well, that's good. For a moment I thought you were going to tell me you were a Tory or something horrible like that.
Bald man: (Pointing at a more distant crowd of people) No, that man over there is a Tory, though. The one trying to get past the barrier and your minders.
Adviser: (Cuts in) Yes, you can tell by his total lack of spontaneity that he's a Tory.
PM: I agree. That and the cravate. That's what gives it away. He simply isn't spontaneous or casually dressed enough. Unlike this crowd who just turned up out of the blue and appear relaxed and casual.
Bald man: I don't feel relaxed.
Adviser: You're not actually a Tory are you?
Bald man: No, I just told you.
PM: (Interrupts) Were I... Were I... (Shouts so loud that BBC crew jump) Were I David Cameron, I would be afraid, very afraid. My only supporter would be that man over there, that Tory who is currently talking to my minders and wearing a ridiculous cravatte.
Adviser: (Loudly) It sure would be, Gordon.... Also there would probably be one or two real serial killers in the crowd, who, as we all know, vote Tory. (Turns to bald man). Eh, baldy?
Baldy: (Angrily) But you told me to say...
Adviser: That'll be all, baldy. Run along.
PM: (Turns to crowd) Anyway, I'd just like to say how grateful I am for this wonderful spontaneous turn out.
Crowd: (In unison) Good luck, Gordon. We hope you win. We love you!
PM: I love you too. (Turning to adviser, whispers) That's what I really love - spontaneity! That and love.
Adviser: (To crowd) Thanks guys, good work, that'll be all. Back to HQ. (To Gordon) Where on earth would we be without love and spontaneity?
PM: (Chuckles) In Conservative Central Office, I imagine.
Adviser: (Smiles) Yes... not wrong there.