Saturday, 27 August 2011

Bankers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but cocaine!

Peter Oborne? Charles Moore? These days it’s the right (not the left) we find meditating upon the excesses of capitalism. Maybe we never had a free market in the first place (under left... under right...)

Here’s a perspective (re-hashed from the archives).

Bankers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but cocaine!

“Brother Bankers! Faced with the unrelenting tide of criticism and abuse emanating from the capitalist media on a daily basis, I call upon you today to be resolute. I urge you not to waver, not to cower, but to stand firm and show solidarity with your brother bankers worldwide. For we have a strength that far outweighs that of our enemies. And that is the strength of numbers.

“Now when I say numbers, I do not mean how many of us there might be. For we are, of course, an oligarchy and we number relatively few in the grand scheme of things. Nor by numbers am I referring to the size of the bonuses we receive. Though these do indeed comprise many, many numbers - telephone book sized numbers by the sarcastic reckonings of some wags in the media.

“No, I’m talking about the ability of us brothers to use numbers to our own advantage - to shape a new reality out of numbers, to forge a new numerical Jerusalem if you like. For we have shown that we can create “value-added” out of numbers. We have shown through our efforts we can create a bold and booming housing sector by making the value of those houses rise significantly year on year. We did this through the clever invention of those credit derivatives that we traded to our hearts’ content some years back. We've also shown we can take the money that government printing presses have been churning out since 2009 and we can use that money to sell back to the government the debt we'd purchased previously. By this means we were able to charge commission not once but twice and made a handsome profit. And though no real value was created, we nevertheless managed to create our very own kind of “value-added” that we call "massive bonuses". And with those massive bonuses we paid our taxes, or not as the case may be. And remember, those taxes are what really matter to ordinary folk and to governments alike - assuming we actually pay them!

“So fear not brothers. For we can make two plus two equal five, two billion plus two billion equal five billion. And, let me tell you, those numbers, however they appear, will always win over the trust and the faith of people. For we understand the very numbers that make up those numbers... whilst the people, whose money we control, do not!

“And if indeed these naysayers in the capitalist media carry on with their gripes and their attacks upon our very person or persons, then we’ll take our numbers and head off to the lands of the orient to build an even greater numerical Jerusalem, and an even greater oligarchic collective to boot.

“For over there in the orient they behold with even more wonderment the power and the value of numbers. Over there they understand the importance of brothers like us who control the money supply using the armoury of those said numbers that I've described. Okay, so they might not tolerate the coke-sniffing activities in which some of our number occasionally partakes and they might imprison folk for such activities. But that is a small price to pay, Brothers. For control of the money supply is the greatest drug of all!

“Was it not Brother Nathan Rothschild himself who once said two centuries ago: "I care not what puppet is placed upon the throne of England to rule the Empire on which the sun never sets. The man who controls Britain's money supply controls the British Empire, and I control the British money supply."

“Never a truer word was said brothers. And these days we have a far wider reach than the British Empire, or, at least, those countries that once made up said Empire. These days, thanks to the benefits of globalisation, we can extend our reach to all the Empires of this planet!

“So brothers, stand firm! Be true to yourselves (even if not to anybody else)! Be resolute! Show solidarity! And, brothers, last but not least, get you down to your local Porsche dealership and buy yourself a nice little run-around before the prices go up!”