Thursday 27 October 2011

Whips, by Harold Panter


According to the Guardian Newspaper, a sketch written by a 29-year-old Harold Panter and lost for more than half a century, has surfaced as a result of diligent detective work.
The sketch, set on the sunbathed terrace of a hotel and called Whips, is Panteresque. And the designated pauses are something of a give-away, or so we're told...


Two gentlemen politicians in deckchairs sit on the terrace of a large hotel. Wearing shorts and sunglasses. Sunbathing. They do not move throughout the exchange

A: The heat is too intense for me today.

PAUSE

B: The heat?

A: The heat. In the house.

PAUSE

B: Well, you're damn lucky you've got your whip.

A: My whip, old boy?

PAUSE

B: The whip. You're damn lucky you've got the whip

A: Yes. Means the world to me. I never find myself at a loss. You understand what I mean?

B: You're a shrewd fellow, I'll say that for you.

PAUSE

A: My house is full of whips.

B: You can't have too many.

A: You've never said a truer word, old boy.

PAUSE

B: I haven't got one to bless myself with.

PAUSE

A: Well, I can foresee  a time you'll regret it.

B: I think the time's come, old boy.

A: You can't be too careful, old boy.

PAUSE

B: Well, you've got your feet firmly planted on the earth, there's no doubt about that.

PAUSE

A: I certainly feel secure, old boy.

B: Yes, you know where you stand, all right. You can't take that away from you.

PAUSE

A: You'll find they're a true friend to you, whips.

PAUSE

B: Maybe I'll buy one.

PAUSE

A: Don't come to me. It would be like tearing my heart out, to part with any of mine.

PAUSE

B: You find them handy, eh?

PAUSE

A: Yes ... Oh, yes. When the heat's intense, particularly.

PAUSE

B: D'you reckon the other side ever feel the same way about whips? About their whips?

PAUSE

A: I dare say they do, old boy. Regularly.

PAUSE

B: I bet some of them would love to use their whips on us. Occasionally.

PAUSE

A: I bet they would.

B: And, of course, some of us would love to use our whips on them.

PAUSE

A: Some of us would love them to use their whips on us. Occasionally. If you catch my drift.

B: I think I do. Catch your drift.

PAUSE

A: But. Perhaps there's a third way.

PAUSE

B: A third way? Or a third whip?

PAUSE

A: Correct, old boy. A third whip.

PAUSE

B: That's where I thought this was leading.

PAUSE

A: Really?

B: Yes. Leading to a third whip.

PAUSE

A: Really?

B: Yes.

PAUSE

A: You must remember one thing, old boy.

B: What's that?

PAUSE

A: What we're talking about is very different to a "three line whip". Would you agree?

PAUSE

B: Indeed I would.

Blackout

© The estate of Harold Panter 2011