Saturday, 25 December 2010

Total Recall

Peace on earth, goodwill to men...

... especially...

- The bankers who, having shattered Western economies, graciously accepted taxpayer largesse, then threatened to abandon these shores were they to be deprived their seasonal bonuses.

- The tax avoiders, who took their billions off-shore, but who were still deemed indispensable to the nation.

- The pharmaceutical philanthropists who, a year ago, generously offered us Tamiflu at the knockdown price of £2 Billion. How comforting it has been to us all this Christmas.

- The politicians, who, in recent years proved you can give something back to society whilst lining your pockets.

- The Local Authorities and the public sector workers who used council tax revenues to snoop on the very citizens that had provided those revenues... Where would we be without the bin-snoops, the poop squad etc? RIP, eh?

- The celebs who allowed us to put all our troubles away. Who needs democracy, when you can vote contestants off Strictly Come Dancing or the X-Factor at the touch of a (telephone) button?

- The media that demonstrated you can be a lover of leaks and a hater of leaks at the same time. All that counts is whether you love... or you hate... the leaker.

- Avatar - the movie full of weird blue faced people that suggested we are all, at heart, avatars. All we need to know now, is, who's providing the animation?

- The Pope who visited Britain in Autumn 2010 and reminded us that Christ cast the moneylenders out of the temple. That was the Pope's message, wasn't it, surely? That's why he came here... Right?

Monday, 13 December 2010

Advertisement: Chicileaks

Are you tired of this "paranoid chic" everyone's talking about? When you get up, do you really want to read what some obscure diplomat said to a State Department official ten years ago? Don't you deserve something better, something cheerier, something that's more fun as you tuck into your morning - or your evening -cornflakes? Isn't it time media started focusing on the things you really care about - things like reality TV, for example?

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- The erotic thoughts passing through Ann Widdecombe's head as she flails around on Strictly Come Dancing.

- What Simon Cowell really thinks about quantitative easing

- Does Jedward really have only one brain between them?

- Is Cheryl Cole as thick as she sounds, or does she have an interest in astrophysics as she claims?

- Will Julian Assange appear on the next series of I'm a Celebrity?

- Is Gillian McKeith tired of examining poo?

- When Lord Sugar tells contestants on The Apprentice, "You're Fired" is he actually thinking: "Who'd want to work for me anyway?"

- Is Britain's decline fueled by the "squeezed" charm of the bourgeoisie

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Think not: Wikileaks. Think: Chicileaks

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Thursday, 9 December 2010

More student protests

"What do we want?"

"NO tuition fees."

"When don't we want them?"


"When'll we protest?"


"When won't we protest?"

"Over the past twelve years since tuition fees were introduced!"

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Asterix regained

First, James Naughtie mentioned the word. An hour later, Start the Week's Andrew Marr uttered it as the panel discussed Proust and Freud. Soon all hell broke loose and the BBC was forced to apologise for its inappropriate use of language.

This website subsequently reported these "spoonerisms" but later drew criticism because it failed to use any asterisks. Apparently it is normal practice when using the c-word to substitute an asterisk for one, possibly two of the letters.

From now on we will do our best to moderate the use of the c-word - and other profanities, for that matter - through the rigorous application of one or more asterisks. We will do so even when quoting the BBC, which these days tends to favour the c-word in all its glory.

There will be no "cunt*" on this website.

Monday, 6 December 2010

Many a slip between cunt and lip

The BBC was accused of sexism today when Scottish presenter, James Naughtie called a government minister a cunt. The error occured on the flagship programme this morning as the veteran presenter interviewed "cunture secretary", Jeremy Hunt. He made frequent use of the four letter word, although he later denied this betrayed any political allegiances

The BBC apologised this afternoon saying: "Whilst we totally endorse the use of the word cunt on the Today programme, as it frequently appears in the OED, we readily accept that it's use on this occasion was unacceptable, as it could be deemed to have sexist overtones. We will of course ensure that from now on male government ministers are referred to as cocks."

Plumber saves Western economies

Whilst some may remember a massive credit bubble that ultimately tipped Western economies into a collapse of unparalleled proportions, others will recall a Prime Minister who saved the world at the height of the crisis when he persuaded world leaders at the G20 summit in Pittsburgh to join a rescue mission.

Following on from that success, that same Prime Minister will this week see the release of his book entitled "Beyond the Crash: Overcoming the First Crisis of Globalisation".

Some of course will doubt he's qualified to offer such advice in light of the economic climate he allowed to develop during the "Noughties". And others, again, will point to the fact that he led the way out of this crisis through his resolute actions at the summit.

We asked a plumber to give his take on what actually happened:-

"Well, way I see, guv'nor, is it's like this: You call in a plumber to sort out the pipes and the boiler on your central heating system. Right? And this bloke ends up bursting the pipes, flooding your entire house, and almost recking all your possessions. Know what I mean?

"Then he turns round like and says to you - 'well at least I found the stopcock and managed to turn the water off, didn't I guv'nor? So in that respect, I stepped in just at the right time to stop even greater carnage."

"Then, just before he leaves, the geyser what owns the home asks: 'So, what's the damage?' And the plumber turns round and replies: 'Oh, that'll be one trillion quid please... and preferably in cash if you got it. Know what I mean, guv'nor?'

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

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