"Following on from my recent canonisation, I would like to make it totally definitive and without any clarification whatsoever needed that unlike most class warriors who are resigned to the acceptance of peerages and honours and suchlike in the twilight of their years, my undertaking of the title of Baron Prescott will in no way preclude my ability nor inability (whichever may be the greater) to hold the establishment - and chief amongst them the current so-called coalition government - to account.
"Just because I have decided to don the ermine which has always been the very insignia of the working class oppressors, it in no way, shape or form suggests that I am about to surrender my fight with those who would undermine those values and those beliefs that I have fought for all of my working life to overcome. No, absolutely not! There is no reason why a class warrior in the twilight of his or her beliefs should not wear any uniform whatsoever of wheresoever it takes his fancy and thereby find a relevant and appropriate methodology of pressing home his or her message or messages. The regalia which a man like myself adopts is in no way prohibitive to the execution of said duties thereof (with the exception I do readily admit of the paraphernalia of the Stormtrooper or the Ku Klux Klan - which are in fact totally different matters altogether).
However, contrary to some reports, I would like to state, with no degree of uncertainty or doubt that certain rumours circulating in the press right now that I am about to follow the path of Comrade Blair (or Tony as I still refer to him) and adopt the learnings and the rituals of the Pontiff in Rome and the acceptance of the Latin Mass have no foundation nor justification here on earth nor anywhere else at this present time. It would ill behove a man of my stature and standing to come to such a decision whereof to turn to Rome, unless I had the specific and unconditional blessing and exhortation of my darling wife Pauline, who currently has no intentions of turning to Rome either (I do believe).
I hope that this is an appropriate clarification of my current situation herein and thereof.
Yours, Baron Prescott. May the Lord be with you."
Thursday, 8 July 2010
Thousands of gormless teenagers catch Malaria
Following news that singer-celebrity Cheryl Cole has malaria, it's been revealed that thousands of adoring fans have been clogging accident and emergency wards complaining of the symptoms of malaria. A Doctor Livingstone said: "We have quite literally been inundated with sweaty, self-pitying, whingeing teenagers muttering the words "I've been bitten." Of course we've sent them all home and told them: It's called being a teenager.
Megrahi could live for ten years
The Doctor who claimed the Libyan accused of the Lockerbie bombing was on his deathbed has now admitted he might in fact live for another ten years. He added however: "This appalling error of judgement regarding Al-Megrahi says more about the quality of the NHS under the last government than it does about dodgy oil deals with Libya."
Russian Spy to play Jennifer Aniston
It has been confirmed that the Russian spy Anna Chapman, a widely-reported Jennifer Aniston impersonator, is to play the actress in a film about her life and career. Hollywood insiders say that Chapman is perfect for the part of Aniston who has taken on a variety of roles and who has left audiences asking: who is the real Jennifer?
Said one insider: "The actress is very versatile and has played everything from an assassin and femme fatale through to the sweet and delectable Rachel in the long running TV series Friends.
"Similarly Chapman is someone as comfortable in the role of a suburban housewife or metrosexual thirty-something as she is in that of a ruthless undercover agent.