Sunday, 27 February 2011

Weapons of mass extraction

An academic gives us his "take" on the oil crisis currently facing the West

"I'm told certain people have started referring to oil as a weapon of mass destruction. Mischievous wags in the media - they know who they are and where we academics can find them - claim the Gulf oil spill of 2010 was a "crude" and wanton act of Eco-vandalism. These wags have the temerity to suggest the spill wreaked more havoc than any "chemical weapon" Colonel Gaddafi of Libya could have dreamed up.

"As a learned gentleman and one who knows something about these matters, we, or rather I, would like to set the record straight.

- Oil is NOT a weapon of mass destruction. What kind of person would consider it desirable to flood the Caribbean and all its pleasant little tax havens with the proceeds of "black gold"? What a terrible waste that would be!

- No Libyans were hurt at any time during the making of the BP oil spill

- Not one single off-shore bank account in the Caribbean - or anywhere else in the world for that matter - was under any threat whatsoever during the crisis

- The Bermuda Triangle has been responsible for more deaths and disappearances than the BP oil spill and Colonel Gaddafi's security forces put together (according to official figures knocked up by my undergraduate gophers on their Apple-Macs using internationally accepted algorithms).

I trust this sets the record straight

Professor Cant, Emeritus Professor of Lies, Damn Lies and Algorithms, The London School of Economics

Thursday, 24 February 2011

Twilight of the Oligarchs (Act Three)

We ask a Libyan oligarch to give his take on events currently unfolding in "his" country...

"My peoples, I speak to you as father of the nation. I speak to you as father, mother, supreme leader, as the only leader, as the judge, the jury and executioner of the nation.

"We see again how dirty Western imperialist, in league with Al Qaeda and mad dog Obama Bin Barrack, are fermenting troubles in small pocket of the East of our great country. We see how they sow seeds of unrest and unhappiness and are wanting to undermine everything that you, the people, and that I, your leader, love and cherish.

"The vile alien dogs, they are engaging in these cunning stratagems of theirs and they are deliberately and willfully intoxicating the young peoples, the ordinary citizens, with hallucinatory drugs. These drugs, that are known to make men crazy, they have given the ordinary people the delusion of grandeur and are making them think they all should be free and powerful like their great leader, like the dynasty-family of their great leader. These drugs make people heady and make them think they make decisions. They make them think they will know how the oil in this country of ours, how it must be produced. These drugs, they make them think they know how the money that come from that oil, how it must be distributed. These drugs, they make people think they own the oil - as if it did not come from the land itself. But the land itself, as we all know, only the land itself does own the oil and the people need great leader, who can talk to the land, and who can to tell the people how to distribute the oil. And if they do not do that, all that will happen is they use this oil money to buy more drugs from that dog Obama, which then make them more heady and more hallucinatory and then make the ordinary citizen think he can even own the sands of this country and then he will want to eat the sands and then, because of these hallucinatory drug, he will almost want to eat the camels one day, all the camels in Libya, even the brother sister's camels, and after that he will want to eat the tent in which he live and the tent in which I live too. And soon after that, all the camels in Libya and everywhere, they too will want to eat all the tents. And after that happen, President Osama, he will send his dogs into Libya. And he will have given them guns and hallucinatory drugs as well. Those dogs, they will then want to shoot the camels and eat them. And then the sands, they will swallow up the camels and the tents and the peoples. And all of Libya will disappear into nowhere. I ask you: What kind of hallucinations is that? Not my kind, peoples. Not my kind.

"So, as your leader, I ask you, the peoples to ignore these despicable Western capitalist Al Qaeda peddlers of drug hallucinations filth. I ask you to join me and to get heady with me and my hallucinations instead and with my grandeur instead. For these things are far better for the peoples of this nation who have known little else but my leadership and my fatherhood of this nation. I urge you to fight the Western Islamist capitalist semitic Trotskyites anarchist agitator-oppressors of our peoples. I ask you to fight, alongside the foreign mercenaries who support our peoples' will that is to shoot protesters and to support the democratic engine of our peoples. For we have created that democratic engine in our own likeness and we will fight to the last drop of blood to defend it.

"Finally, I ask you, my peoples, your peoples, the world's peoples, the everybody's peoples, to listen to these words of mine. For I am not just the judge, the jury and the executioner of this nations, but I hope, I might be, and God-willing, the caretaker, hereafter...

"For, everybody, he need a caretaker. Or maybe do I mean an undertaker? Probably both.

"Probably both... My peoples."

Sunday, 20 February 2011

We're all royalty now.

What's the world coming to when the Duchess of York is not invited to the Royal Wedding whilst those arrivistes the Beckhams are? We asked pop culture's No.1 power couple to give their "historical perspective" on such matters.

David: Well the way I look at it is, we all come from the same place in the end.

Victoria: Or in the beginning, Dave

David: Yeah, or in the beginning, love. We all come from the same place in the beginning. Cos' when all is said and done we was all common people once, including them royals and them aristos and all them people. We all had to start somewhere.

Victoria: Yeah, cos, like when you think about it all those geysers what came over with Norman the Conqueror, they weren't like royalty to start with. But cos' they had like a meritocracy in them days, just like they do now, they all had the chance to become respected members of the community, just like what we is now.

David: And also, some of them was probably footballers and singers in them days as well, I kid you not. And they was rewarded for being talented, and giving the people what they really wanted...

Victoria: Or what they really really wanted, Babe.

David: Yeah, nice one, love. What they really, really wanted. And that's why they got their posh houses in the country like we do now.

Victoria: And then they could afford to send their kids to private school, just like we do. And then they became even posher still. And then their grandchildren was like even more posher and soon became like royalty. Almost.

David: And that's the great thing about merita.. merry.... merocracy. It means that, you know, one day Jordan's grandkids will become royalty.

Victoria: And so will Simon Cowell's

David: And so will Kelly Osborne's

Victoria: And so will Peaches Geldof's.

David: Yeah, that's right, love.

Victoria: Damn right, Babes. Cos' we're all royalty now.

David: Yeah, love. We're all royalty now.

Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Bankers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but cocaine!

Brother bankers, faced with an unrelenting tide of criticism and abuse emanating from the capitalist media on an almost daily basis, I call upon you today to be resolute. I urge you not to waver, not to cower, but to stand firm and show solidarity with your brother bankers worldwide. For we have a strength that far outshines that of our enemies. And that is the strength of numbers.

Now when I say numbers, I do not mean how many of us there are. For we are of course an oligarchy and number relatively few in the grand scheme of things. Nor by numbers do I mean the size of the bonuses that we receive. Though these do indeed comprise many, many numbers - telephone book sized numbers by the sarcastic reckonings of certain wags in the media.

No, I mean the ability of us brothers to use numbers to our own advantage - to shape a new reality out of numbers, to forge a new numerical Jerusalem if you like. For we have shown that you can create what appears to be surplus value out of numbers. We have shown through our efforts we can create a bold and booming housing sector by making the value of those houses rise significantly year on year. We did this through the clever invention of those credit derivatives that we merrily traded to our hearts content some years back. We've also shown we can take the money that government printing presses have been turning out since 2009 and we can use that money to offer back to the government the debt we'd purchased previously. By this means we were able to charge commission not once but twice and made a handsome profit. And though no actual value was created, we nevertheless managed to create our very own kind of surplus value that we call "massive bonuses". And with those massive bonuses we paid our taxes, or not as the case may be. And remember, those taxes are what really matter to ordinary folk and to governments alike - assuming we actually pay them!

So fear not brothers. For we can make two plus two equal five, two billion plus two billion equal five billion. And, let me tell you, those numbers, however they appear, will always win over the trust and the faith of people. For we understand the very numbers that make up these numbers... whilst the people, whose money we control, do not!

And if indeed these naysayers in the capitalist media carry on with their gripes and their attacks upon our very person or persons, then we will take our numbers and head off to the lands of the orient to build an even newer numerical Jerusalem, and an even greater oligarchic collective to boot.

For over there in the orient they behold with even more wonderment the power and the value of numbers. Over there they understand the importance of brothers like ourselves who control the money supply using the armory of the numbers I've described. Okay, so they might not tolerate the coke-sniffing activities in which some of our number occasionally partake and they might imprison people for such activities. But that is a small price to pay, Brothers. For control of the money supply is the greatest drug of all!

And indeed, Brothers. Was it not Brother Nathan Rothschild himself who once said two centuries ago: "I care not what puppet is placed upon the throne of England to rule the Empire on which the sun never sets. The man who controls Britain's money supply controls the British Empire, and I control the British money supply."

Never a truer word were said brothers. And these days we have a far wider reach than the British Empire, or at least those countries that once made up said Empire. These days, thanks to the benefits of globalisation, we can extend our reach to all the Empires of this planet!

So brothers, stand firm, be true to yourselves (if not to anybody else), be resolute, show solidarity. And, Brothers, get yourself down to the local Porsche dealership and buy yourself a nice little run-around before the prices go up!

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

Coitus interruptus - News in brief

A rose by any other name - Supporters of New Labour have suggested the move to drop the word "New" from the party website, stationery and, now finally, email addresses is nothing more than a cynical re-branding exercise. Said one commentator: "Just calling the party 'Labour' amounts to a cosmetic change. What does the word actually mean?"

Google alerts - Anybody who's anybody - and some who aren't - know how important it is to set up Google alerts for their own names. This allows them to track journalists and bloggers who might be bad-mouthing them on-line. Spare a thought then for the poor sods who monitor the Google alerts for the words "Google alert". There's always the danger that their endeavors might end up swamping them in an infinite regression. Er... Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert Google alert

Sunday, 13 February 2011

BAFTAS! The Thing's Speech.

The thing about the BAFTAS... really is... the speech

"I would like to say or rather we would like to say how honoured I or rather we are to be here tonight honouring you honouring us honouring you honouring us honouring you dressed as we are in these beautiful Valentino dresses or are they Armani tuxedos? no-one will tell us because we're supposed to be some kind of amusing double act each of us possessing our own unique sartorial styles even though those styles come in the shape of very expensive designer outfits so not really so unique when you think about it and we're trying to engage in this witty but rather inane banter just as ordinary men and women or even men and men do any given day of the week down the pub and despite the fact we've actually hated one another since we starred together in that dire romcom movie over a decade ago and you lot in the audience also probably hated it even though the punters - what mugs! - always said how much they adored it and adored us too. So we would firstly like to thank all those people we're supposed to thank on these occasions although we can't remember who they are but somebody gave us a list earlier and we lost it and reckon it's supposed to include our mothers and the directors and some other people but not necessarily in that order and who cares about order anyway because order's for anal retentives. But most of all we'd like to thank the very people who made it possible to be here tonight which partly means you the audience and all of the members of the BAFTA organisation who should be here anyway because it's their frigging job, but most of all, most of all we'd like to thank ourselves, yes ourselves, without whom we'd never think of coming here because these awards ceremonies are a load of self-congratulatory b/s and they'd be nothing without us and this'd be a total waste of our time were it not for the free plug, the publicity or what have you. And so that's actually the only reason we're standing here tonight in front of you and in front of millions of star-struck people worldwide who are watching this on their sad little television screens as we spew out this complete, total and utter mind-rotting drivel. God bless."

Saturday, 12 February 2011

About that peace agreement...

Of course, as the Egyptian people celebrate the fall of their brutal dictator after a (relatively) peaceful revolution, what they're really gagging for right now is an end to the thirty year peace agreement with Israel and the prospect of a costly and bloody Middle-East war.

And yet... that's the risk - according to those banging on about "stability" in the region...

It's worth noting that President Assad of Syria has successfully maintained the "stability" he inherited from his father. And he's also one of the biggest sponsors of Hezbollah in Lebanon. Ditto the undemocratic and relatively stable Iran. And the "stable" dictator Gaddafi is certainly no friend of Israel's.

So should we really be asking ourselves: With stability like that, who needs instability?

Friday, 11 February 2011

EXCLUSIVE! Leaked Mubarak tapes!

The President of Egypt, Hosni Mubarak has been recorded singing to himself whilst holed up at the Red Sea resort of Sharm El Sheikh. But for whom is this swan-song of his intended? The Egyptian people? Western - or Arab - allies? Or could it simply be that he is singing... to himself?

You decide:-

"Please release me let me go
for I don’t love you anymore
To waste our lives would be a sin
Release me and let me love again

I have found a new love dear
And I will always want her near
her lips are warm while yours are cold
Release me my darling let me go

for I don’t love you anymore
So release me and let me love again

Please release me can’t you see
you’d be A fool to cling to me
To live a lie would bring us pain
So release me and let me love again."

Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Charity begins off-shore

An indignant banker responds to government plans to increase the bank levy:-

"I would like to emphasise how indignant we bankers all are at the Chancellor's shock announcement today. We bankers have had a tough old time in recent years. First, we saw the near collapse of our cherished banking system. This was closely followed by our vilification in the press - known as banker bashing - where it was suggested that we were in some way responsible for the near catastrophe facing Western economies back in 2008. Then came the negative mutterings in Westminster about our hard earned bonuses. And now a threat to tax those very bonuses until the proverbial pips squeak!

"It's all too, too much. Frankly it makes us wonder why we go to work every day, slogging our not insignificant guts out, simply so that we can provide you ungrateful bunch with oodles of lovely credit - without which, let's face it, you would quite plainly be buggered. Isn't it time we ended all this recrimination? Is not the time for forgiveness long overdue? There are many within our noble and august community who are starting to find this banker bashing all a bit rich. Some of us are even, I have to say, rather upset.

"Well, let me tell you something: If you people with your feeble little mortgages, with your suburban executive homes, with your boring little Vauxhall motor cars, don't stop banging on about our bonuses, you know what we'll do? We'll take our bonuses off-shore, that's what we'll do. Then you can see where all that pathetic wingeing of yours gets you!

"Oh, I hear you say: Off-shore? You can't take your bonuses off-shore, any more than we can take our dismal little pay packets off-shore. Well think again, buddy boo! Because I happen to know a very good lawyer at a firm called Lolly, Bolly and Yachts who says that's exactly what we can do. And shall I tell you how we'll do it? Here's how:-

"First of all, my bank pays my bonus into an off-shore trust. Then it draws up for me an interest free loan against which I can use my bonus as collateral. When the time comes to pay back that loan it simply uses the money in my trust. No tax paid. Got that? NO TAX PAID!!! I bet you're already starting to laugh on the other side of your envious little faces! Am I right?

"So please, please please stop beating up on us. Please stop all this insane talk about squeezing our not insignificant bonuses. You simply don't realise that we know more about taxes than you'll ever do. You don't get the fact that we understand more about the applications of off-shore vehicles than you ever can. Let's face it, the closest you'll ever get to "off-shore" is when you purchase some grotty little package deal to the Caribbean courtesy of El Dodgy Holidays!

"So, now, indeed is the time for forgiveness. Now is the time to show some Christian charity. For was it not Jesus himself who told us all to turn the other cheek? So maybe you lot should all take Jesus to your hearts... and turn the other cheek.

"I hope I've made myself clear. Thank you.

Saturday, 5 February 2011

LOCAL COUNCIL NOTICE: Library closures

"Due to central government's negative policy of reducing funding for the provision of public services from local councils in Britain, it is with much regret and sorrow that we have to state we have no option but to proceed with cuts to certain non-essential, and, in addition, some less-than-essential, services. To this effect it has been and will be necessary from now on to offer a less thorough and comprehensive library lending service to the men, women and children within this community, notwithstanding the variable hardships that this might or might not bring about.

"But we would say this: We will stand shoulder to shoulder with the people of the local community whomsoever quite properly wish to exercise their right to protest about the completely heinous and uncaring nature of said cuts. We have undertaken to ensure that our local council members and services will be on hand at all of the protests that are taking place across the county today. They will be more than ready to dispense essential aid and succour to protesters who through no fault of their own are suffering from the tough decisions that the local council has sadly been obliged, by central government, to make.

"To this end, at all of the protests we will undertake to guarantee that the following officials and the following facilities will be available for all and sundry who should have recourse to have need of them:-

There will be:-

- Eco-friendly, ethnically-focused and multi-gender crèche facilities

- Pregnant teenage-mothers literacy officers (to assist educationally-disadvantaged pregnant teenage mothers with their understanding of what constitutes a library).

- Environmentally friendly nappy officers, who will fulfil the requirements of men and women preferring to recycle post-natal lavatorial products on site.

- Vegan-friendly and vegetarian-friendly welfare co-ordinators

- Gender-defined rest and recuperation zones

- Libraries' environment and climate scrutiny leaders (for the benefit of those wishing to enter any of the libraries in question).

- Psychiatric advisory services for anyone trying to come to terms with the impending cuts to local library services

And last but not least:-

- Holistic literacy-targeted comic-book environment co-ordinators who will teach anyone, who might be interested in such matters, as to how they can avoid judging a book by its covers or, indeed, judging a local council by the title of the employees that it pays with your hard earned cash.

All of the excellent services listed above will be provided and paid for - at this major protest event - courtesy of your generous, caring local council - We're always, yes always, on the side of local people!

Thursday, 3 February 2011

Hosni and Naomi

She broke new ground when she interviewed Hugo Chavez and, more recently, Vladimir Putin. Clearly, she's not just a pretty face. So, ain't it time the genius, the supermodel, the supermodel-genius Naomi Campbell took on Hosni Mukarak?

Naomi: Hello, Mr. President. Can I simply say how fit you're looking today? You really are a sexy beast, aren't you?

Hosni: Thank you, dear lady. You are not lacking in the fitness department yourself.

Naomi: Oh, thank you, El Presidente, if you don't mind me calling you that.

Hosni: Call me what you like, sweetlips. It is all the same to me.

Naomi: Now, I been told by the editor guys at GQ Mag to like probe, to ask you kinda deep and meaningful questions. Like, more political questions, whatever they are. Is that okay by you?

Hosni: Ask away, cutesy pie. I'm all ears.

Naomi: Unlike your political opponents, right Pres?

Hosni: I beg pardon?

Naomi: I mean, you're all ears, unlike your political opponents.

Hosni: Oh, I see. That is right, my political opponents have no ears on account of the fact my guards cut them off.

Naomi: I guess that's, like, some kind of fashion statement, right Pres? Ears are sooo last season.

Hosni: Too right, my saucy little fashion icon.

Naomi: So anyway, Hosni, dude. Here's where I'm getting serious: Can I ask you what it's like being El Presidente of Egypt?

Hosni: Well, as you probably know my dear, right now I have a little local difficulty occurring on the streets of my country.

Naomi: Oh, no, Hos. I didn't know that. Sorry to hear it. Like, what's up?

Hosni: Oh, just popular uprising. Pitched battles in Liberty Square. Hundreds dead. Thousands injured, and all these nasty people telling me I shouldn't be President any more.

Naomi: Oh gee, that's real tough, Hosni dude. Like, is that a typical day in the life of a President of Egypt?

Hosni: No, not really. Normally, typical day is that I torture and kill my opponents. Or, at least that is what my secretive police do.

Naomi: Wow, Hos. I bet that makes them sit up and listen!

Hosni: No, in actual fact, it make them lie down and die!

Naomi: Sharp reply, Hosni, my man. You do have a way with words.

Hosni: Thank you. And I also have a way with the ladies.

Naomi: Not wrong there and that ain't surprising. You're a fit and horny fella. And I'll tell you something I just love about you men in power.

Hosni: Yes, dearest? What is that?

Naomi: It's your uniform.

Hosni: Really?

Naomi: Really. Let me say something, Hosni, my man. You men in your uniforms will never go out of fashion. You'll always look good, so long as you're wearing your uniforms.

Hosni: I am glad to hear that.

Naomi: In fact I'd go so far as to say that uniform is always, always, always in fashion. And you know why?

Hosni: No. Why?

Naomi: Cos it's the one thing people, men and women, all kinds of dudes, always wear. In any season. It don't matter what's happenin' on the runways of Paris or Milano. One thing all men, women and children know is that a policeman's uniform can never, no never ever be thought of as... sooo last season!

Hosni: That is very good for me to hear, my dear. But I just wish you could tell that to the peoples of Egypt.