"Due to central government's negative policy of reducing funding for the provision of public services from local councils in Britain, it is with much regret and sorrow that we have to state we have no option but to proceed with cuts to certain non-essential, and, in addition, some less-than-essential, services. To this effect it has been and will be necessary from now on to offer a less thorough and comprehensive library lending service to the men, women and children within this community, notwithstanding the variable hardships that this might or might not bring about.
"But we would say this: We will stand shoulder to shoulder with the people of the local community whomsoever quite properly wish to exercise their right to protest about the completely heinous and uncaring nature of said cuts. We have undertaken to ensure that our local council members and services will be on hand at all of the protests that are taking place across the county today. They will be more than ready to dispense essential aid and succour to protesters who through no fault of their own are suffering from the tough decisions that the local council has sadly been obliged, by central government, to make.
"To this end, at all of the protests we will undertake to guarantee that the following officials and the following facilities will be available for all and sundry who should have recourse to have need of them:-
There will be:-
- Eco-friendly, ethnically-focused and multi-gender crèche facilities
- Pregnant teenage-mothers literacy officers (to assist educationally-disadvantaged pregnant teenage mothers with their understanding of what constitutes a library).
- Environmentally friendly nappy officers, who will fulfil the requirements of men and women preferring to recycle post-natal lavatorial products on site.
- Vegan-friendly and vegetarian-friendly welfare co-ordinators
- Gender-defined rest and recuperation zones
- Libraries' environment and climate scrutiny leaders (for the benefit of those wishing to enter any of the libraries in question).
- Psychiatric advisory services for anyone trying to come to terms with the impending cuts to local library services
And last but not least:-
- Holistic literacy-targeted comic-book environment co-ordinators who will teach anyone, who might be interested in such matters, as to how they can avoid judging a book by its covers or, indeed, judging a local council by the title of the employees that it pays with your hard earned cash.
All of the excellent services listed above will be provided and paid for - at this major protest event - courtesy of your generous, caring local council - We're always, yes always, on the side of local people!