Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Prime Minister "absolutely loves democracy"

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has announced that the General Election will be held on May 6. It is evidence, he says, that he is totally into democracy. "All my life I have wanted to show how much I adore democracy. Today, by calling an election, I have shown this to be the case."

In recent years, the PM has come in for criticism over the makeup of his cabinet. Both he and the second most powerful cabinet member, Lord Mandelson, are unelected. One fifth of his cabinet sit in the upper house - more peers than women. But by calling an election he feels he has silenced his critics. In addition, he says, a raft of policy initiatives are being prepared for the manifesto that will allow ordinary people to share in the "democracy experience". They are as follows:-

- Lowering the voting age to 16 -  Kids won't need to move from their XBoxes as voting buttons will be obligatory on all gaming consoles. And children who aren't into computer games will be able to call a premium rate phone line to vote, much as they do with X Factor or Big Brother. (Check your phone operator for terms and conditions). What's more, if they are not sure who to vote for, or have never heard of voting, they can try a random generator option. It's great - just like playing the lottery!

Brown claimed that the proposals were revolutionary. He said that if boys and girls could have sex at sixteen why could they not vote at the same time - "not," he added, "that we are suggesting that they vote at the same time as having sex... or playing with their consoles for that matter."

- Democracy Day - This will be a day when people can come together, in large gatherings, or not at all if preferred, and talk, or simply think about democracy. They will also be free not to do any of these things, as we do live in a democracy. Celebrities will be drafted in to talk on daytime TV about their visions and their hopes for democracy, and about what it means to them. And ordinary members of the public will have a once in a lifetime opportunity to converse with them - and they don't even have to discuss democracy!

- Democracy wrist bands. Yes, show that you care. And what better a way than by wearing a wrist band? Collect the whole set - they come in five different colours! No-one will be able to call you shallow, or thick, or a fascist ever again (that is, unless you are already a shallow, thick fascist who wears wrist bands.)

At the end of his press conference the PM invited questions on his proposals and was asked: "If Labour is re-elected in May will we finally get the elected upper chamber that Labour has been promising since the 1990s?"

The PM responded confidently: "Thank you for the question. But that is exactly the kind of thing that people will wish to debate on "Democracy Day. We must allow the people to decide such matters. After all, this is the people's democracy!"