News in brief...
"... lust in your heart is committing adultery. So you can't masturbate without lust."
So says the poster girl of the Republican Tea Party Christine O' Donnell. And at a stroke she has alienated the majority of ordinary masturbating folk. The exceptions can only be:-
- Those too busy smoking cigarettes to have time to masturbate.
- Anyone needing both hands to operate their PC, laptop or IPod.
- Anyone with poor wrist action, or poor hand to eye co-ordination
- Anyone who doesn't know what goes on "down below".
- Anyone with an extremely short attention span
Said one Republican aide upon hearing Ms. O' Donnell's outburst: "Uh, oh. There goes the self-abuse vote."
Labour leadership nominees will soon be debating how to "re-brand" the party - and most important of all - what to call it. "New" Labour is considered very "last season" and it is accepted that a new name is needed to indicate a clear break with the past. Here are some options that might emphasise that break
- Democratic Labour
- Real Labour
- Clean Labour
- Whiter than White Labour
- Honest Labour
- Transparent Labour
- The Peoples' Labour
- Hard Labour
- Keir? Hardly!