Thursday, 3 March 2011

A doctor a day keeps the Apple away


Every so often we give a leading tech company a free plug. We hope this'll encourage it to shove loads of advertising our way. Failing that it fills column inches. Today we look at the iFad2, released yesterday to universal acclaim by a man wearing jeans and a black turtle neck jumper.

"Hi. Do you ever get edgy as weeks go by without the release of a new piece of hardware? Do you crave the fanfare that accompanies the arrival of a new gizmo that's like the old gizmo but has a different feel and one or two added features you don't need? Do you wake every morning thinking life could be so much better if I could do what I did yesterday but I could do it faster and with enhanced functionality?

The solution's arrived -

- With iFad2, you get the same touch-screen interface and virtual on-screen keyboard but you get it in a box that's noticeably lighter, slimmer and way more sensual.

- With iFad2, you get two cameras - one front, one back - in case you want to film "a friend" masturbating while you yourself masturbate over hard-core erotica.

- With iFad2, you get more processing power and greater speed, so your life can descend faster into a maelstrom of frustrating texts and angry emails.

- With iFad2, you get a screen cover that auto-attaches in perfect alignment to the front, and folds to support the iFad2 while you type. Why spill the contents of your latte over your shiny new screen when you can spill it over your type-pad instead?

Come on guys! Don't torture yourself with yesterday's technology, when today's is just round the corner. If you crave a life that's going to keep you craving, be sure life keeps up with technology - not the other way round. And that's the key: In this day and age, who needs a life, when lifestyles are always changing? So, why settle for second best when you can have something that'll be second best in a few months time?

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