The Dead Time Sketch
(The scene is a watch shop in West London)
Customer: I wish to register a complaint
Owner: Won’t be a mo… just finishing with this customer.
Customer: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this watch what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Roadrunner Blue...What's, uh...What's wrong with it?
(Other Customer walks off in a huff)
Customer: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It don’t tell the time, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, it’s uh,...it’s just resting.
Customer: Look, matey, I know a dud watch when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no it’s not dud, it's, it's restin'! Remarkable watch, the Roadrunner Blue, inn'it, ay? Beautiful carriage!
Customer: The carriage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'It's resting!
Customer: All right then, if it's restin', I'll wind it up!
(shaking the watch)
'Ello, Mister Time Piece! I'm going to wind you up with a good shake if you tell us the...(owner hits the watch)
Owner: There, the second hand moved!
Customer: No, it didn't, that was you hitting the watch
Owner: I never!!
Customer: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Customer: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO CARRIE CLOCK!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Shaking the watch to wind it up, then banging it on the counter. Shoves it in the face of the owner.)
Customer: Now that's what I call a dud watch
Owner: No, no.....No, you overwound it
Customer: Overwound it?
Owner: Yeah! You overwound it, just as it was starting to tic! Roadrunner Blues overwind easily, major.
Customer: I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That watch is definitely a dud.
Owner: Well it depends on which way you look at it, Guv’nor.
Customer: Which way you look at it? What the ‘ell is that supposed to mean?
Owner: Yeah, well, Isn’t that what that Einstein geyser once used to say. Time is relative?
Customer: Time is relative??!! Time is relative??!! What kind of a feeble excuse is that?
Owner: Well, it’s like this: That Einstein bloke, that Albert Einstein, that man who is thought of as one of the greatest scientists ever, he said that the time on your watch all depended on something called the space time continuum. It all depended on whereabouts exactly in the universe you was when you was observing the watch, Guv’nor.
Customer: Really? You serious? Did he? Einstein actually said that?
Owner: Honest to God Guv’nor. Long as the day is short… I’d even swear it on my dear Grandma’s life.
Customer: Oh. I see. Gosh, I really had no idea Einstein said that.
Owner: Lot of things Einstein said what people don’t know about, Guv’nor. Lots of things.
Customer: Well then, I suppose I really have to owe you an apology… I’m most terribly sorry.
Owner: That’s all right, Guv’nor. It happens all the time… you know, what with ours being a watch shop.
Customer: Yes, I suppose it must do really.
Owner: Sadly, it does… Now, Squire, is there anything else I can help you with? Would you like a couple of batteries for that watch?
Owner: Yes, sorry, Squire… I forget to tell you earlier when you came in, batteries ain’t included with that particular model.