The Independent on Sunday has published its annual guide to the UK's most ethical businesses ahead of the Social Enterprise Awards 2013. Here's a snap-shot:
Fair-trade Cocaine - Hugely successful cocaine producing collective that is 25 per cent owned by Colombian growers. Their produce is exclusively distributed in the UK through the award-winning Brighton and Dalston Fair-Earth Farmers Market Company
Ethical Doggy - Multicultural dog-training awareness programme ensures Fido is sensitive to postmen – irrespective of creed, faith or colour - and attacks them fairly, consistently, and without prejudice.
Organic Bike Company - This award-winning bike manufacturer makes bicycles out of organic titanium, aluminium, and plutonium, ethically sourced from companies committed to fair-trade smelting and radiation policies.
Vegan Slasher Nasties - Celebrated art-house film crew that puts on violent, extremely gory productions, showcasing actors with a life-long commitment to veganism and organic values.
Land-Art - Critically acclaimed works of art produced by vegetarian artists using products reclaimed from dustbins and sewage plants.
Imelda Fairfuck – Popular internet porn supplier employing stars who are committed to fair-trade masturbation and environmentally friendly condoms.
Fricking - Highly profitable fracking company that uses drilling equipment ethically sourced from badger-loving, Peruvian tool manufacturers.
Polar Bore - Acting workshop for bipolar vegan performers who donate one per cent of their income to the preservation of polar bear habitats.
Make War not War – Ethical warmongering collective committed to ending all wars by means of environmentally-aware battlefield scenarios, using weapons organically sourced from fair-trade arms manufacturers.
Make Poverty Poverty - An old favorite - This highly successful PR company turns out ethical advertising, wrist-bands and billboard messages that won't stand the test of time, and to which celebrities can, with a clear conscience, turn a blind eye.