Monday, 25 January 2010

Bumbling subterfuge

Gormless Gordon has given cabinet ministers the following instructions: They should accidentally-on-purpose reveal that the election will be held on May 6th. He actually wants to call a snap general election before that date to wrong-foot the opposition. Here is how this subterfuge works:

(Three ministers are being interviewed in the Sky TV studios. They are Bumbling Bob Ainsworth, the Defence Secretary, Europe Minister Chris Bryant and Foreign Secretary David Milipede.)

Sky TV: Mr Ainsworth, do you know the date of the general election? Mr Ainsworth...? Mr Ainsworth?
(Shot of Bob Ainsworth asleep and snoring. Long stick appears from the corner and pokes him. He springs to life.)
Bumbling Bob: Yes? Yes?. What? The election? I don't know the exact date of the election except that it will be May 6th... Oh, damn, damn, damn. I weren't supposed to say May 6th. Gordon is going to be proper mad at me for revealing that it were May 6th, cos we were trying to keep it a secret.
Chris Bryant: If I might step in there, Bob... can I just add that nothing that my friend Bumbling Bob has said proves that the election will be held on May 6th. Although in all honesty, I really hope that there won't be a Tory government on May 7th. Oh ruddy hell. I don't believe it. You know what I've gone and done?
Bumbling Bob: What have ya gone and done, Chris?
Chris Bryant: I've only gone and told everyone that the election will effectively be on May 6th, haven't I?
Bumbling Bob: Oh dear oh dear oh dear. We're going to be in a proper pickle now aren't we? All these Sky TV viewers are going to think that the election will be on May 6th. And Gormless Gordon said that he would be right mad if we told anyone.
Chris Bryant: He did that, didn't he Bob? To quote, Gormless Gordy said, "I the undersigned will be proper mad if any of you lot reveal that the date of the election will be May 6th."
Sky TV: Sorry gents, can we move on? Mr Miliband... Have you anything to add to what your colleagues almost accidentally revealed just then or would you like to talk about something else?
David Milipede: Yes. I would like to talk about the election threat, I mean the terror threat... The fact is that these people will stop at nothing: they will try every trick in the book, they will use advanced technology, they will use all the mechanisms of open society that we depend on for their own terrible purposes.
Sky TV : Are you referring to Al Qaeda, Mr Miliband?
Milipede : No, I was talking about New Labour, who I hope will get back in on May 6th.
Bumbling Bob: (nudges Chris Bryant) You know what he's just done, don't you Chris?
Chris Bryant: Oh, you're right Bob. He's only gone and revealed the date of the general election.
Bumbling Bob: Dave, son. You weren't supposed to say that.
Milipede: Oh, my God. You're right. Gormless Gordy is going to be mad now. I can't believe it. I actually revealed the bloody election date.
Bumbling Bob: Oh, well. You never know. The viewers might not have noticed. You might have got away with it.
Chris Bryant: You're right there, Bob. It could have been much much worse.
Bumbling Bob: Yes, Chris. Much worse... We could have revealed that the election was actually going to be in March.