(The Archbishop of Cant, Rowan Williams explains why he will not support gay bishops, women bishops, let alone gay and lesbian bishops)
"Can women and gay men become bishops? This is a thorny issue indeed. The synod may vote in favour of women bishops, and a man of the cloth can, quite rightly (in my judgement at least), sympathise with the sodomites. But I must weigh these considerations alongside those of our Lord, Jesus Christ.
"You have heard that it was said, "An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.' But I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take away your tunic, let him have your cloak also.
"And so it is with the Catholics and the Evangelicals and those Anglo-Catholics who would stop gay men - and women - from becoming bishops. Though they may hinder the efforts of the Anglican Church to modernise, to be progressive, though they may wish to preach their bigoted message or messages, should we not assist them by rolling over and abandoning everything the Anglican Church stands for in this day and age? For a Catholic may indeed be as close to Jesus as a rich man is to Heaven, but should we not set an example and show him or her the truly Christian way?
"And I say unto you: Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. And so it is with the women and the gays. They are persecuted indeed by the negative attitudes of Rome and its sympathisers. But theirs will ultimately be the kingdom of heaven. And the persecuted shall have the last laugh, if indeed laugh is what they do desire.
"Consider the 'nimbies'. For there are those amongst us who long to be progressive and tolerant of women and gays, but who do not wish to see these people in their own backyards. For though the nimbies do toil and spin, they care not for the manner in which these women and gays are arrayed, with their dresses and their thigh length boots and their fishnets and their other regalia. That being said I hope that these same nimbies are somewhat more tolerant of the sartorial tastes of churchmen and the laiety, whose deportment is altogether more modest, what with the robes and the cassocks.
And so I finish by saying unto you: "Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves.You will know them by their fruits.
"And indeed it is the "fruits" and the women, I mean, the wolves in sheep's clothing that trouble me. For, can they truly inherit the Earth? What will men say of the Anglican Church then? Yea verily, Archbishop Williams has an important role to play in the Anglican Church and that role must include appeasing the bigots through rigorous pre-selection of the bishops (as it was said in the Book of McKinsey and Co, Chapter Ten, Verse Sixteen.)."
(Do I get to keep my job, Prime Minister?)