Saturday, 10 April 2010

Loads-A-Bonus - The Eighties are back!

Ever since Labour depicted David Cameron as Detective Gene Hunt, the eighties have been back in fashion. Throughout the election, there will be contributions from our own eighties man - reinvented for 2010. He will be dispensing his advice as well as his take on the economy. His name is 'Loads-A-Bonus', and here's a sneak preview.

"Do you know why I'm here, ladies and gents? Do ya, do ya? I'll tell you why I'm here. Because I want to talk about my wad. Yeah that's right. I've got this wad of cash and it's all down to the HUGE BONUS I got paid this year.

Do you wonder why I've got it? Well, while you were all remortgaging your country in order to pay for the bailout of my MASSIVE investment bank, I've been creaming it. Yeah that's right. CREAMING IT!

Quantitative easing, I hear you ask? What's all that about then? There's nothing wrong with quantitative easing - I can tell you that right now. Quantitative easing is why I've had an absolutely MASSIVE BONUS this year.

And it was quantitative easing, ladies and gents that did all that, it did. It gave me my MASSIVE BONUS. And now, you'll be pleased to hear, thanks to quantitative easing and my MASSIVE BONUS, I can afford to keep young Garry at Eton, where he will continue to hang out with all those toffs. But I don't give a toss about him hanging out with all those toffs because thanks to Eton, Garry'll get a good start in life. Then, when he grows up he'll also make LOADS-A-BONUSES. Right Garry? Just like your Dad! Good boy.

Only the crumbliest, flakiest manifesto...

It is being dubbed the 'Cadbury Law'. And it is coming to a manifesto near you. But what is it?

It's Gordon Brown's promise that the future takeover of any British company will be scrutinised... like never before.

Now, hasn't the government made promises about these "touchstone" issues in the past? Didn't they tell us that the House of Lords, for example, would become a wholly elected chamber?

Well, party insiders are saying: "Yeah, but this time its different."

What they probably mean is: "It's election time again."

Or could it be, the bad press generated by the chocolate factory takeover has left poor Gordon feeling like a bit of a Charlie?