Sunday, 22 December 2013

The line taken by a leading QC on a recent criminal trial

"It was indeed troubling over recent weeks to behold the carefully constructed reputation of a much loved national treasure flagrantly tarnished by hostile cross-examination, solely in order to give those accused in the trial the opportunity, as is supposedly their right under English law, to develop a proper defence.

Was the witness not fragrant as she glided elegantly into court each day, and, with composure and effortless grace, confronted the endless onslaught of public vilification? Had her Public Relations and highly professional legal teams not worked tirelessly to establish and consolidate and defend her brand as the very epitome of the Middle-Class Dream?

And yet, to what end? Simply so that the court system might feed the insatiable press and public appetite for gossip and tittle-tattle, satisfy their need to cull the tallest poppies, and ultimately nourish the iconoclastic demands of certain shabby and truth-seeking journalists?"

This statement will run and run and has already been endorsed by countless second rate journalists, celebrities and members of the public who have never met any of the people in question.

If you’d like to comment, you know where to go…


Sunday, 1 September 2013


The Independent on Sunday has published its annual guide to the UK's most ethical businesses ahead of the Social Enterprise Awards 2013. Here's a snap-shot:

Fair-trade Cocaine - Hugely successful cocaine producing collective that is 25 per cent owned by Colombian growers. Their produce is exclusively distributed in the UK through the award-winning Brighton and Dalston Fair-Earth Farmers Market Company

Ethical Doggy - Multicultural dog-training awareness programme ensures Fido is sensitive to postmen – irrespective of creed, faith or colour - and attacks them fairly, consistently, and without prejudice.

Organic Bike Company - This award-winning bike manufacturer makes bicycles out of organic titanium, aluminium, and plutonium, ethically sourced from companies committed to fair-trade smelting and radiation policies.

Vegan Slasher Nasties - Celebrated art-house film crew that puts on violent, extremely gory productions, showcasing actors with a life-long commitment to veganism and organic values.

Land-Art - Critically acclaimed works of art produced by vegetarian artists using products reclaimed from dustbins and sewage plants.

Imelda Fairfuck – Popular internet porn supplier employing stars who are committed to fair-trade masturbation and environmentally friendly condoms.

Fricking - Highly profitable fracking company that uses drilling equipment ethically sourced from badger-loving, Peruvian tool manufacturers.

Polar Bore - Acting workshop for bipolar vegan performers who donate one per cent of their income to the preservation of polar bear habitats.

Make War not War – Ethical warmongering collective committed to ending all wars by means of environmentally-aware battlefield scenarios, using weapons organically sourced from fair-trade arms manufacturers.

Make Poverty Poverty - An old favorite - This highly successful PR company turns out ethical advertising, wrist-bands and billboard messages that won't stand the test of time, and to which celebrities can, with a clear conscience, turn a blind eye.

Sunday, 26 May 2013

Exam time!

Politics - Multiple choice question No 97a)

Who has most to gain from the 'Snooper's Charter'?

a) Curtain-twitching reactionaries?

b) Liberals, who, by and large, dislike snoopers and their charters (except for Lord Carlile)?

c) Software companies who'll be paid millions to provide efficient snooping software (or not terribly efficient software, as the case may be)?

d) Those politicians with commercial links to the software companies mentioned in c)?

e) The terrorists, who really give a damn about the fact that ordinary, law-abiding British citizens will have their Internet use scrutinised round the clock (unlike the terrorists who'll no longer use the Internet to communicate as they used to?)