Tuesday, 8 February 2011

Charity begins off-shore

An indignant banker responds to government plans to increase the bank levy:-

"I would like to emphasise how indignant we bankers all are at the Chancellor's shock announcement today. We bankers have had a tough old time in recent years. First, we saw the near collapse of our cherished banking system. This was closely followed by our vilification in the press - known as banker bashing - where it was suggested that we were in some way responsible for the near catastrophe facing Western economies back in 2008. Then came the negative mutterings in Westminster about our hard earned bonuses. And now a threat to tax those very bonuses until the proverbial pips squeak!

"It's all too, too much. Frankly it makes us wonder why we go to work every day, slogging our not insignificant guts out, simply so that we can provide you ungrateful bunch with oodles of lovely credit - without which, let's face it, you would quite plainly be buggered. Isn't it time we ended all this recrimination? Is not the time for forgiveness long overdue? There are many within our noble and august community who are starting to find this banker bashing all a bit rich. Some of us are even, I have to say, rather upset.

"Well, let me tell you something: If you people with your feeble little mortgages, with your suburban executive homes, with your boring little Vauxhall motor cars, don't stop banging on about our bonuses, you know what we'll do? We'll take our bonuses off-shore, that's what we'll do. Then you can see where all that pathetic wingeing of yours gets you!

"Oh, I hear you say: Off-shore? You can't take your bonuses off-shore, any more than we can take our dismal little pay packets off-shore. Well think again, buddy boo! Because I happen to know a very good lawyer at a firm called Lolly, Bolly and Yachts who says that's exactly what we can do. And shall I tell you how we'll do it? Here's how:-

"First of all, my bank pays my bonus into an off-shore trust. Then it draws up for me an interest free loan against which I can use my bonus as collateral. When the time comes to pay back that loan it simply uses the money in my trust. No tax paid. Got that? NO TAX PAID!!! I bet you're already starting to laugh on the other side of your envious little faces! Am I right?

"So please, please please stop beating up on us. Please stop all this insane talk about squeezing our not insignificant bonuses. You simply don't realise that we know more about taxes than you'll ever do. You don't get the fact that we understand more about the applications of off-shore vehicles than you ever can. Let's face it, the closest you'll ever get to "off-shore" is when you purchase some grotty little package deal to the Caribbean courtesy of El Dodgy Holidays!

"So, now, indeed is the time for forgiveness. Now is the time to show some Christian charity. For was it not Jesus himself who told us all to turn the other cheek? So maybe you lot should all take Jesus to your hearts... and turn the other cheek.

"I hope I've made myself clear. Thank you.

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