(Michael Winner asks his old mate Michael Caine to do an esure commercial with him. They are lounging by the pool, sipping cocktails.)
MC: You know, Mikey boy. Don't get me wrong or nothing. I know these ads are really important to you and the such like. But I think I'm getting a bit too long in the old tooth to start selling insurance. Don't you?
MC: Nonsense, my boy. You're never too old to do an E-sure ad. What about me, Mikey? What about Uncle Michael. I'm no spring chicken - even if the ladies might say otherwise.
MC: Oh yeah, we all know about you and the ladies, don't we?
MC: Not that I want to brag, Michael, my boy. But I'll tell you what. There have been a lot more of those ladies since I started doing the Esure ads. I can tell you.
MC: Really, Mikey?
MC: Really, Michael.
MC: What like young ladies? You don't mean, like those ones in the ads that you say "calm down" to?
MW: Oh puh-lease, Michael. What do you think I'm like?
MC: I know what you're like, Mikey! I do indeed!
MW: Anyway, look... we must move on. Time is money and all that! What I had in mind was an insurance ad that could have come straight out of a caper movie... like the Italian Job.
MC: Oh, goody goody. Been ages since I done a caper movie!
MW: Precisely... as you say. You're no spring chicken.
MC: Excuse me, Mikey! Was that you just ribbing me just then?
MW: (Dismisses this with a wave) Anyway you... you are doing a bank heist. And you have some dolt of a safe cracker who is going to work on a ten inch steel door. He screws it up royally. And then you shout: "You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off."
MC: Oh... love it. I haven't said anything like that for ages... Probably not since, I don't know, Get Carter.
MW: (Looks at him quizically) Right.. Yes. You okay, my boy?
MC: Have never felt better, Mikey!
MW: Anyway... I then come a long and I say - wait for it -
MC: (Cuts in) Zulus, Zulus bloody everywhere!
MW: Please, Michael. Don't be so absurd. I come in and say: "Calm down dear. It's only a commercial."
MC: Yeah of course... Of course... But pardon me if I'm a bit slow today, Mikey, but why would someone doing a bank job have bought insurance? It just ain't right. The boys'd never bother with something as namby pamby as insurance. Not on a bank job. That's more like...
MW: Oh please, Michael. Don't be so literal minded. Remember - It's a commercial.
MC: Nah Mikey... Calm down, it's only a commercial. (Chuckles to himself)
MW: Yes, Michael. Very drole. Very drole indeed.
MC: Thought you'd like that one Mikey.
MW: Yes, it was a classic, Michael.
MC: Yeah and who are you supposed to be Mikey? You're not Mr Bridger, are ya?
MW: No, of course I'm not Mr Bridger, Michael. How utterly ridiculous. Bridger was played by Noel Coward. Nothing like me.
MC: I could see it Mikey, I really could (puts on Noel Coward voice) C-c-c-calm down, dear boy, will you please? It is only... a c-c-commercial. Indeed is it not? Do ya like my Coward impersonation, Mikey?
MW: (Scratching his head) You know, Michael...
MC: I think... You might have something there.
MC: I think I might too, actually.
MW: Might have to work on it a bit. But, I just wonder... Interesting departure, it would be, but... could just possibly be a goer.
MC: Well, we're old troopers aren't we Mikey? If anyone can bring a bit of business to an Esure ad, Michaels Caine and Winner certainly can.
MW: I think you'll find the billing would be MCs Winner and Caine.
MC: On an ad, Mikey? Don't think so.
MW: Anyway this is by the by, MC. You're suggesting that I put on my best Noel Coward voice on and play Mr Bridger? (Plays around with it) C-Calm down... Calm, c-c-ccalm... d-d-down... Dear... Deeear boy....
MC: Yeah. I bet you always fancied yourself as Noel Coward.
MW: I beg your pardon? I most certainly did not. He was most definitely not one for the ladies I can tell you that!
MC: Calm down, calm down, Mikey. Just having a laugh.
MW: Yes, very funny, Michael.
MC: Having a laugh, mate
MW: Yes, you said
MC: Although maybe you ought to get married soon... Other wise they'll be saying: Look at Mikey Winner... Unmarried? At his age?... And what's more he is frolicking around doing all these Noel Coward impersonations... You know, like, what's with this: "Calm down, dear boy" routine? Whatever next? He'll be making a musical next, I shouldn't wonder. And maybe, who knows, doing an impersonation of Noel Coward in the lead role.
MW: What on earth are you talking about? Doing a musical? Puh-lease! This is all becoming rather surreal... (He sits thinking about it for a moment... then frowns). Although...
MW: Although... Actually, come to think of it...
MW: You know... You might be onto something there...
MC: Might I, Mikey?
MW: Yes.... Come to think of it... What is the one last great thing I have left to do? A musical of course! You know... You might... just be onto something!
MC: There you go Mikey boy. Trust old MC to suggest your piece of resistance! I've just given you your next project, I have.
MW: (He sits nodding, stares into space, sipping his drink. Then all of a sudden his face drops. He slowly begins to shake his head.) No...
MW: No. Wouldn't work, this musical.
MC: No? I thought we was onto something there.
MW: No, Michael... it couldn't work...
MC: Why's that then?
MW: Well... for a start... Charlie Bronson isn't around any more, is he...? And I just couldn't do it without Charlie? Could I?
MC: (Ponders) Oh... I see your point, Mikey... Nah, you couldn't really do your musical, your musical piece of resistance without Charlie. Could ya?
MW: I'm afraid... Sadly not.