Yawn-Pad special offer!!

As of today this blog will become the marketing arm of any mobile technology manufacturer that is happy to stump up the cash.

This week the Nectarine Corporation of America received acres of publicity for its new Yawn-Pad from a leading broadsheet newspaper sometimes known, mistakenly in our view, as the Custodian (of the chattering classes).

It is clear that the Custodian got given wads of cash for this publicity. And if it did not, then it is hardly the 'Custodian' (of its own income) that it thinks it is.

If you would like some publicity on this blog, please give generously. Failing that, pay for an ad or two. Or something.

The Iron-on Chancellor

Chancellor Alistair Darling today demonstrated his courage, his independence and his initiative by standing up to no less a man than the President of the United States. He has been holding private talks with British financiers who wish to head off President Obama's tough new curbs on the financial sector.

Chancellor Darling proclaimed before a packed audience of senior bankers: "If anyone is going to boss me around and treat me as their lick-spittle it is going to be the Investment Banking community."

The statement met with rapturous applause and in some cases tears (of laughter), as bankers congratulated one another on their "restrained sodomising of the Chancellor."

Mr Darling, frequently displaying his trademark sycophancy, continued: "You gentlemen have done so much for the British people, for the British taxpayer over recent years. And what is more you have made men like myself feel important, feel needed. It would be no exaggeration to say that I view myself as your humble servant."

He concluded: "And when Labour loses the next election, might I be so bold as to suggest that I do in fact become your humble servant in a rather more literal sense... if I may say so, in a more directly employed sense."

The audience was clearly moved and the Chancellor then proceeded to wander around the hall, pressing flesh and continuing his ass-licking 'offensive' with individual members of the banking community until the early hours of the morning, or until they had grown tired of rogering him senseless.

Sustainable trickle-down

A report by an inequality panel has revealed that the gap between rich and poor has widened under Labour. The report called An Anatomy of Economic Inequality in the UK found that the household wealth of the top 10% of the population is over 100 times higher than the wealth of the poorest 10%.

Responding to the report the Prime Minister said that the findings were surprising in view of his support for the banking system over recent years. "By allowing bankers, among others, to make huge wads of cash this government has created a strong basis for sustainable 'trickle down'. As we all know, 'trickle-down' is the means by which the poor benefit from the increasing wealth of the rich. As the rich get richer the 'trickle-down' becomes more rapid and enriches the poor.

"Now, not only have I made the rich richer since Labour came to power, but in 2008 when it looked as though the rich would get poorer I gave money to the banks to ensure that the rich would stay rich. This meant that bonuses could be paid to the bankers and they could in turn pay taxes back into the public coffers and spend their money on goods and services that benefited the poor."

The Prime Minister continued, "It is indeed surprising that the trickle down has not yet worked, but this is the best evidence yet that this government needs a fourth term, in order to complete its work, and to ensure ultimately that more trickles down to the poor."

Finally the Prime Minister was asked, "Wouldn't it have been easier if you had given all that money directly to the poor?"

He replied, "We are not a charity."

Sinking feeling

(Two men in a boat. One is controlling the outboard motor, the other is pumping water from the hull for all he's worth. They are in a race and trying to get to the finishing line.)

Mr Brown: Keep pumping, Mr Darling. We are still afloat, still above the watermark, I tell you
Mr Darling: I do not know how long I can keep on pumping, Mr Brown.
Mr Brown: So long as you keep on pumping out more water than is coming in through the hull, then we'll reach tha' finishing line safe and sound.
Mr Darling: But Mr Brown, do the rules of the race allow a wrecked craft to win?
Mr Brown: I tell you, Mr Darling. All that the rules state is that we stay afloat and cross the finishing line. And nothing else.
Mr Darling: And when we cross that line, must I then keep on pumping? For if I don't keep pumping, then the craft will surely sink. And how will the judges award the craft the prize?
Mr Brown: I see, ya have a point, Mr Darling. Well, perhaps you could keep pumping until the prize has been given.
Mr Darling: Yes, Mr. Brown?
Mr. Brown: And after that you can let the vessel sink and we'll buy a new one and give it the same name as the vessel that won.
Mr Darling: But that will surely dilute tha' prize money, Mr Brown?
Mr. Brown: Aye, that it will. But it can nay be helped. Let's just win the race and worry about that when tha' time comes.

Bumbling subterfuge

Gormless Gordon has given cabinet ministers the following instructions: They should accidentally-on-purpose reveal that the election will be held on May 6th. He actually wants to call a snap general election before that date to wrong-foot the opposition. Here is how this subterfuge works:

(Three ministers are being interviewed in the Sky TV studios. They are Bumbling Bob Ainsworth, the Defence Secretary, Europe Minister Chris Bryant and Foreign Secretary David Milipede.)

Sky TV: Mr Ainsworth, do you know the date of the general election? Mr Ainsworth...? Mr Ainsworth?
(Shot of Bob Ainsworth asleep and snoring. Long stick appears from the corner and pokes him. He springs to life.)
Bumbling Bob: Yes? Yes?. What? The election? I don't know the exact date of the election except that it will be May 6th... Oh, damn, damn, damn. I weren't supposed to say May 6th. Gordon is going to be proper mad at me for revealing that it were May 6th, cos we were trying to keep it a secret.
Chris Bryant: If I might step in there, Bob... can I just add that nothing that my friend Bumbling Bob has said proves that the election will be held on May 6th. Although in all honesty, I really hope that there won't be a Tory government on May 7th. Oh ruddy hell. I don't believe it. You know what I've gone and done?
Bumbling Bob: What have ya gone and done, Chris?
Chris Bryant: I've only gone and told everyone that the election will effectively be on May 6th, haven't I?
Bumbling Bob: Oh dear oh dear oh dear. We're going to be in a proper pickle now aren't we? All these Sky TV viewers are going to think that the election will be on May 6th. And Gormless Gordon said that he would be right mad if we told anyone.
Chris Bryant: He did that, didn't he Bob? To quote, Gormless Gordy said, "I the undersigned will be proper mad if any of you lot reveal that the date of the election will be May 6th."
Sky TV: Sorry gents, can we move on? Mr Miliband... Have you anything to add to what your colleagues almost accidentally revealed just then or would you like to talk about something else?
David Milipede: Yes. I would like to talk about the election threat, I mean the terror threat... The fact is that these people will stop at nothing: they will try every trick in the book, they will use advanced technology, they will use all the mechanisms of open society that we depend on for their own terrible purposes.
Sky TV : Are you referring to Al Qaeda, Mr Miliband?
Milipede : No, I was talking about New Labour, who I hope will get back in on May 6th.
Bumbling Bob: (nudges Chris Bryant) You know what he's just done, don't you Chris?
Chris Bryant: Oh, you're right Bob. He's only gone and revealed the date of the general election.
Bumbling Bob: Dave, son. You weren't supposed to say that.
Milipede: Oh, my God. You're right. Gormless Gordy is going to be mad now. I can't believe it. I actually revealed the bloody election date.
Bumbling Bob: Oh, well. You never know. The viewers might not have noticed. You might have got away with it.
Chris Bryant: You're right there, Bob. It could have been much much worse.
Bumbling Bob: Yes, Chris. Much worse... We could have revealed that the election was actually going to be in March.

New Gordon

The government has raised the threat level for a General Election to imminent. The Home Office announced “Whilst we do not wish to alarm the public, the new level means that people need to be more aware.” The government was not prepared to reveal specific intelligence, but hinted that increased ‘chatter’ led to the decision.

“Gordon is keen to avoid the mistake that he made in 2007 when he appeared weak and indecisive, and unsure whether to call an election. But this is the 'New Gordon', a leader who determined to scare people into voting him back to Number Ten.”

The spokesman added, “New Gordon, New Warning.”

Wall Street revolution

We have been gauging the initial reaction to Barack Obama's plans to fight Wall Street excesses. Here are some of the opinions of banking professionals and politicians on both sides of the Atlantic:

Troy Ackerman (who works for Golden Sucker Bank): This is the pits. If these guys don't want our toxic waste then we'll take it elsewhere.... somewhere like Switzerland where they respect toxic waste.

Kent J. Mayflower (Morgue Bank): When you've spent as long as I have in banking, you think you've seen everything. But I was not prepared for this. (I don't mean the meltdown, I mean Obama's reaction to it.) I am just about ready to move to Liechtenstein where they appreciate a man like myself who respects the privacy of others and doesn't mind being bored to death.

Sam Yeswecana (Banca Nostra): Who is this Obama clown? He's acting like a regular mobster. That's our territory. I'm moving to Napoli where they respect guys like me.... Hold on just one minute. Actually, I ain't going nowhere.

Fred the Pensioner (Soiled Bank of Scotland): I spent a lifetime working industriously, building a noble provincial firm into a banking behemoth whilst hoping that people would thank me for putting one of their Scottish, nay British, firms onto the world stage. But then along comes this fellow, Fred the Pensh and ruins it all by bringing the noble institution to its knees. And does anyone have an ounce of sympathy for my plight? My life work ruined? The hell they do. Well that's it. I am off to spend my remaining years with my pension. Until of course somebody offers me a directorship - or even a well paid consultancy - in one of the newly regulated banks. Failing that I am going to live and work in Andorra where they respect people like myself.

Republican spokesman: This is a cynical attempt to whip up public opinion. We'll be publishing our even more stringent ideas in a few days time.

Doctor Boris Johnson: When a man is tired of the City of London, he is tired of that reckless banking casino that we call life... Wonder what am I going to do with all my banking stocks? Better dump 'em pretty quick. I am off to Luxembourg where they respect people like myself.

Boy George Osborne: Don't listen to Boris. He's mad. We'll have whatever Obama's having.

Alistair Darling: This is a cynical attempt by the Conservatives to whip up public opinion. We'll wait to see what level of support there is for Obama's proposals and then rustle up something derivative of our own.

Alan Greenspam: Did someone mention derivative?

End to boom and bust

Gordon Brown confirmed today what he has always claimed - that he has put an end to boom and bust. This comes a day after the government announced a surprise 7,000 drop in its main measure of unemployment in the three months to November.

"In 2008, a sixteen year boom, the longest period of growth in economic history, came to an end. And now, with the latest positive figures on unemployment, the bust that followed that boom has also ended. I can therefore safely say that during my stewardship of the economy as Chancellor and my subsequent Premiership at No.10 I have ended first boom and then bust. And if that is not an end to boom and bust, what is?"

Gordon and the Chocolate Factory

Gordon strolled back to Downing Street with a Cadbury chocolate bar in his hand. Cadbury owned the nation's favorite chocolate factory and provided what Gordon always said that British companies should provide: British jobs for British workers.

As he tucked into his delicious chocolate he bumped into an Oompa-Loompa who was looking rather sad. "Why the glum face, my friend?" he asked.

"Mr Brown, you said that you would protect our jobs, but Willy Wonker says that there will definitely be lay-offs. You sold us down the river."

"Not true, said Gordon. "If Britain is to survive in the globalised economy then we will have to make tough decisions. And if that means losing one of our biggest confectionery manufacturers to a US rival in the interests of competition then so be it."

"You make the tough decisions, Mr. Brown, but its us who have to live with them. I thought that you cared about British jobs."

"Oh yes, there's one British job that I definitely care about, my friend, and that's my own. You see, Willy Wonker says that he'll be leaving the factory soon after the takeover, so there will be a position vacant on the board of the new organisation. And if I lose my own job at the next general election - God forbid - then that position could be mine. There you go, that is at least one British job that will be saved."

With that Gordon polished off his chocolate bar and ambled back to Downing Street. As he did so he sang to himself his favorite Cadbury jingle: "Everyone's a fruit and nutcase..." and wondered how he would be remembered in years to come.

Banks to get charitable status

The government has confirmed that banks are to get charitable status by turning themselves into churches. The idea was originally proposed last year when a Bank of England report looked into whether some banks are 'too sacred to fail'.

The report concluded: "Some institutions will need to be ring-fenced so that during a crisis they can continue to operate and offer essential services. If this means applying different policies on tax and pay to these institutions then so be it.

A spokesman for The Church of the Latter Day Sachs commented: "This is what we have been asking for all along. Banks need this kind of ring-fencing. Without religion, you can't pray. But without banks you can't pay. Which is worse? Go figure." The spokesman for the Morgan Tabernacle Church added, "Now it's official. Greed is God."

Three Men on Class (The Sequel)

Fred the Shred: (Dressed in Armani suit) I look down on him (Indicates Gordon Brown) because I am upper-class.

Gordon Brown: (Marks and Spencer suit) I look up to him (Fred the Shred) because he is upper-class; but I look down on him (Taxpayer) because he is lower-class. I am middle-class

Taxpayer: (Dressed in football shirt) I know my place. I look up to them both. But I don't look up to him (Gordon Brown) as much as I look up to him (Fred the Shred), because he has loads of money.

Fred the Shred: I have loads of money, but I cannot legislate. So sometimes I look up (bends knees, looks up) to him (Gordon Brown).

Gordon Brown: I still look up to him (Fred the Shred) because although I can legislate, I am still totally out of my depth. But I am not as out of my depth as him (Taxpayer) so I still look down on him (Taxpayer).

Taxpayer: I know my place. I look up to them both; but while I am poor, I am honest, industrious and trustworthy. Had I the inclination, I could look down on them. But I don't.

Gordon Brown: We all know our place, but what do we get out of it?

Fred the Shred: I get a feeling of superiority over them.

Gordon Brown: I get a feeling of inferiority from him, (Fred the Shred), but a feeling of superiority over him (Taxpayer).

Taxpayer: I get a pain in the back of my neck.

Gordon Brown to have his 'Fuck the Rich' tattoo removed.

Gordon Brown has signalled that he will 'be there' for the middle classes if he wins the next election. In a bold statement this weekend he has announced that he will not only have his class war tattoos removed, but he will also buy a Renault Megane, join the Virgin Active Health Club, and have an Aga installed at No.10 Downing Street.

"There are clear choices to be made," he said. "Do we want a Britain where people lack aspiration and bang on about the playing fields of Eton? Or will we forge a country where we go to the opera, holiday in Tuscany, Verbier, Padstow and, most important of all, encourage our children to watch Nigella, Gok Wan and Strictly Come Dancing?"

"The choice is yours."