Monday, 25 January 2010

Bumbling subterfuge

Gormless Gordon has given cabinet ministers the following instructions: They should accidentally-on-purpose reveal that the election will be held on May 6th. He actually wants to call a snap general election before that date to wrong-foot the opposition. Here is how this subterfuge works:

(Three ministers are being interviewed in the Sky TV studios. They are Bumbling Bob Ainsworth, the Defence Secretary, Europe Minister Chris Bryant and Foreign Secretary David Milipede.)

Sky TV: Mr Ainsworth, do you know the date of the general election? Mr Ainsworth...? Mr Ainsworth?
(Shot of Bob Ainsworth asleep and snoring. Long stick appears from the corner and pokes him. He springs to life.)
Bumbling Bob: Yes? Yes?. What? The election? I don't know the exact date of the election except that it will be May 6th... Oh, damn, damn, damn. I weren't supposed to say May 6th. Gordon is going to be proper mad at me for revealing that it were May 6th, cos we were trying to keep it a secret.
Chris Bryant: If I might step in there, Bob... can I just add that nothing that my friend Bumbling Bob has said proves that the election will be held on May 6th. Although in all honesty, I really hope that there won't be a Tory government on May 7th. Oh ruddy hell. I don't believe it. You know what I've gone and done?
Bumbling Bob: What have ya gone and done, Chris?
Chris Bryant: I've only gone and told everyone that the election will effectively be on May 6th, haven't I?
Bumbling Bob: Oh dear oh dear oh dear. We're going to be in a proper pickle now aren't we? All these Sky TV viewers are going to think that the election will be on May 6th. And Gormless Gordon said that he would be right mad if we told anyone.
Chris Bryant: He did that, didn't he Bob? To quote, Gormless Gordy said, "I the undersigned will be proper mad if any of you lot reveal that the date of the election will be May 6th."
Sky TV: Sorry gents, can we move on? Mr Miliband... Have you anything to add to what your colleagues almost accidentally revealed just then or would you like to talk about something else?
David Milipede: Yes. I would like to talk about the election threat, I mean the terror threat... The fact is that these people will stop at nothing: they will try every trick in the book, they will use advanced technology, they will use all the mechanisms of open society that we depend on for their own terrible purposes.
Sky TV : Are you referring to Al Qaeda, Mr Miliband?
Milipede : No, I was talking about New Labour, who I hope will get back in on May 6th.
Bumbling Bob: (nudges Chris Bryant) You know what he's just done, don't you Chris?
Chris Bryant: Oh, you're right Bob. He's only gone and revealed the date of the general election.
Bumbling Bob: Dave, son. You weren't supposed to say that.
Milipede: Oh, my God. You're right. Gormless Gordy is going to be mad now. I can't believe it. I actually revealed the bloody election date.
Bumbling Bob: Oh, well. You never know. The viewers might not have noticed. You might have got away with it.
Chris Bryant: You're right there, Bob. It could have been much much worse.
Bumbling Bob: Yes, Chris. Much worse... We could have revealed that the election was actually going to be in March.


  1. Is this election going to be about Gordon engaging in 'shock and awe'? Sounds awesome.

  2. They are going to try and bring out all the big guns (whom Gordon has avoided over the past few years) and they'll all say how wonderful Gordon is... Even though they know he is hopeless. Wouldn't fancy being Alistair Campbell right now

  3. Wouldn't fancy being Blair

  4. Conservatives are getting a pretty easy ride. They have only one policy. To outsource the public sector to meet the private sector's greed for profits.

  5. If Tories are so weak on policy why are they staying ahead in the polls? Because Labour really is rubbish

  6. People will try Cameron because it's difficult to imagine him being worse than Brown - so it was in the case of Obama vs Bush.
    Oppositions don't win elections, Governments lose them.

  7. All this 'accidentally on purpose' election date stuff is pathetic. Typical of this shallow, spin obsessed government

  8. I will put an end to Brown and Bust!

  9. Are they really so shameless as to rely on a bit of good economic news and hope that the electorate will buy it so early on?

  10. The Tories do have two policies pretty well established. Their 'Repeal the Hunting Ban' and IHT cut for the richest. Their marriage tax allowance is all over the place

  11. Now Sky News (Adam Boulton) is picking up on this and suggesting that the election will be Feb / March!

  12. But how many people could Brown have told within his own cabinet? Ainsworth is pretty lowly ranking isn't he?

  13. I think Brown will hang on for as long as possible. He hates the thought of any questioning of his authority and will leave the endgame till the last possible moment - June 3rd

  14. Boulton also says that Downing Street is currently a hive of activity

  15. MarkButterfield - Ainsworth is indeed low ranking... but he is a friend of Brown's

  16. They'll probably wait for a good news day - GDP figures are out tomorrow. Who knows?

  17. Can I just say that Gordon hasn't the slightest idea when he is going to call the general election. But I do.

  18. Northern Ireland?
    Muslim terrorism?
    State of Emergency?
    General Election?

  19. But just when they think Gordon is going for the March option -as planned- he'll bottle it and wait until May. He's funny like that.

  20. He might bottle it, but then again there are people whispering into his ear right now, I imagine, saying, "Don't bottle it."