Friday, 22 January 2010

Wall Street revolution

We have been gauging the initial reaction to Barack Obama's plans to fight Wall Street excesses. Here are some of the opinions of banking professionals and politicians on both sides of the Atlantic:

Troy Ackerman (who works for Golden Sucker Bank): This is the pits. If these guys don't want our toxic waste then we'll take it elsewhere.... somewhere like Switzerland where they respect toxic waste.

Kent J. Mayflower (Morgue Bank): When you've spent as long as I have in banking, you think you've seen everything. But I was not prepared for this. (I don't mean the meltdown, I mean Obama's reaction to it.) I am just about ready to move to Liechtenstein where they appreciate a man like myself who respects the privacy of others and doesn't mind being bored to death.

Sam Yeswecana (Banca Nostra): Who is this Obama clown? He's acting like a regular mobster. That's our territory. I'm moving to Napoli where they respect guys like me.... Hold on just one minute. Actually, I ain't going nowhere.

Fred the Pensioner (Soiled Bank of Scotland): I spent a lifetime working industriously, building a noble provincial firm into a banking behemoth whilst hoping that people would thank me for putting one of their Scottish, nay British, firms onto the world stage. But then along comes this fellow, Fred the Pensh and ruins it all by bringing the noble institution to its knees. And does anyone have an ounce of sympathy for my plight? My life work ruined? The hell they do. Well that's it. I am off to spend my remaining years with my pension. Until of course somebody offers me a directorship - or even a well paid consultancy - in one of the newly regulated banks. Failing that I am going to live and work in Andorra where they respect people like myself.

Republican spokesman: This is a cynical attempt to whip up public opinion. We'll be publishing our even more stringent ideas in a few days time.

Doctor Boris Johnson: When a man is tired of the City of London, he is tired of that reckless banking casino that we call life... Wonder what am I going to do with all my banking stocks? Better dump 'em pretty quick. I am off to Luxembourg where they respect people like myself.

Boy George Osborne: Don't listen to Boris. He's mad. We'll have whatever Obama's having.

Alistair Darling: This is a cynical attempt by the Conservatives to whip up public opinion. We'll wait to see what level of support there is for Obama's proposals and then rustle up something derivative of our own.

Alan Greenspam: Did someone mention derivative?


  1. Jensen T Eisenhower22 January 2010 at 10:47

    Gee, you guys just don't get it, huh? You need us. Your Gordon T. Brown needs our money sloshing around his economy. Your media need a whipping boy.
    Like, everybody... needs somebody... I got you you you...

  2. Englebert J Art Von Hierstenstein the Third22 January 2010 at 10:49

    Banking has come a long way since I was a little boy visiting my pappy and dodging pigeons whilst buying seed from the bird lady.
    I too moved far far away to a foreign land a long time ago as I saw this regulation coming. But sadly I am mad now and I cannot remember where I is.

  3. Arnie the Germinator22 January 2010 at 10:50

    I'll be back.

  4. You wait. It's all going to be watered down in the end... After intense lobbying by the banks and their friends in the media. Why not start a 'spot the journo' to guess which ones will turn (after taking their pieces of silver).

  5. Jamie 'buddy can you spare a' Dimon22 January 2010 at 12:54

    You may gloat now, but you'll be sorry when we're gone you dirty rats.

  6. Whatever Brown / Darling or Cameron / Osborne say they'll do this side of an election you can be sure it'll be different to what'll happen after the election.

  7. You loved us once and I'm sure you'll love us again.
    You wait

  8. Oh, you can laugh. But who's gonna help you out next time you need that bank loan, or that second mortgage? Hey?

  9. Alistair Darling22 January 2010 at 14:55

    Might I add that government is about tough decisions and that I don't intend to make any this side of an election.