Swine before Pearls (of Wisdom)

A government scientist called Deirdre has identified four hundred and ninety two ways in which ordinary members of the public might die next year and is urging the government to insure against each and every one of them.

Following on from the last Labour government's purchase of ninety million doses of Tamiflu that will never be used, Dame Deirdre, as she is known to her friends, suggested that governments around the world should buy every quack remedy known to man because "even if they save one life, they are worth 850 Million pounds at the very least."

"Remember, we are talking about insurance policies here. And as with all good insurance policies you pay a massive amount of money for something that might never happen. The great advantage of these policies is that someone else gets very rich off the back of your stupidity."

She continued: "And the real upside is that the companies that produce these worthless drugs give politicans and apparatchiks like myself lucrative jobs after we have left government and none of you suckers are any the wiser."

"As the legendary Meerkat in that insurance advert says: "Simples".

EXCLUSIVE! Transcript of Russian Spy Conversation

(We are at the house of Dimitry, codename Dwayne, a member of the Russian spy ring. The transcript is evidence of the lengths to which members of the ring have gone in order to conceal their true identities. They have been living ordinary suburban lives and interracting effortlessly with local people and tradesmen. In this section, the delivery man Michael knocks at the front door.)

Michael:  Hi Dwayne, how are you? Couldn't remember... was it one pint of milk or two you ordered?

Dwayne:  The milk in Volgograd is always warm at this time of year.

Michael:  Yeah, sure, Dwayne. Whatever you say. So is it one pint or two? Half fat or skimmed?

Dwayne:  The skim operation is confirmed. The codes will be sent to the house of Madame Bartok in Bucharest before sunset.

Michael:  So, I take it you want skimmed. Right?

(A plumber turns up and tries to squeeze past Michael.)

Plumber:  Hi, someone called out a plumber? Problem with a hot water tank?

Dwayne:  The tanks will roll into Gdansk when the last swallow sings Chopin Mazurka in B minor.

Plumber:  Sorry, Buddy? Must have been your wife called us. Hot water tank sprung a leak?

Michael:  (Impatient) Listen Dwayne, i'll just leave you with one pint of each... half and half... and skimmed? Okay?

Dwayne:  The representative, codename Chester, will be sitting on the white bench by the bandstand in Arlington Park. You will ask him whether the milk will turn to cheese in St Petersberg after the lark return in November. He will pass you the instructions for the rendez-vous and the money

Michael:  Yeah, whatever Dwayne. Same old routine. (Leaves milk and departs).

Plumber:  Hello??? Can you take me to the tank, the hot water tank? Time is money, remember?

Dwayne:  No, Vladimir will show you the tanks when you will arrive and he will explain the plans for the Warsaw Three. But please now to leave the microfiche with my wife.

Plumber:  (Ignoring him) Fine. I'll ask your wife where to go.

(Dwayne's wife Lilly appears at the door and invites the plumber in.)

Dwayne:  Lilly, the 'plumbing man', he will leave you the microfiche. Please to take good care of him. See he come to no harm.

Lilly:  Yeah, whatever you say, Dwayne. (To plumber) Don't mind him, he's always like this.

(A travelling salesman appears at the door. He opens his case and takes out a bundle of insurance documents.)

Salesman:  Hi, have you ever considered what you would do in the event you were taken ill or had an accident? How would you pay your bills? What exactly would you do for income?

Dwayne:  Please ask the man from Tashkent who is serving at the hotdog stand on Virginia Road about 'the income'. He will pass you the identity papers which you will carry to the candy store in shopping centre and ask for Anna. Please to make sure that it is only Anna you talk to.

Salesman:  Sorry, I don't follow. If I've caught you at a bad time I can always come back later.

Dwayne:  No, you please to leave these documents with me. I will photograph and you will return at Midday precisely. Lilly, my wife, will open door and you will ask her whether the weather in Kamchatka is pleasant at this time of year. Then she will say it depend on the prevailing wind. Then I will come to the door and return the documents to you. You then take them to pretzel vendor outside Ukraine Embassy and he will dispose of them.

Salesman: Yeah, Bud. Whatever you say. (He eyes Dwayne quizzically then hands him one of the forms. He leaves and mutters to himself) Jesus, guy's a fruitcake.


(A man and a woman, both in smart suits walk up the path. They are holding out what appear to be books. They address Dwayne).

Suits:  Hello, have you five minutes, Sir?

Dwayne: (Suspicious) Er... yes. Please to tell me. What is it precisely?

Suits: We would like to ask you a question.

Dwayne: (Looks worried) What kind of question?

Suits: We'll get straight to the point.

Dwayne:  (Looks really worried) Okay, what do you want to know?

Suits:  Have you ever asked yourself whether Jesus loves you?

Dwayne:  Oh, no!

Suits:  Have you ever asked yourself what you need to do to let Jesus into your heart?

Dwayne:  Oh my God. (Calls into the house) Lilly! Lilly!

Suits:  Will you pray with us and let Jesus save you?

Dwayne:  Lilly. It is undercover FBI. Quick! Hurry! Out of the house, no time to delay. The undercover FBI they come to arrest us. Run! Fast as you can.

(Dwayne bolts down the path. He is seen vanishing into the distance glancing back a couple of times and shouting.)

             Please. There is no evidence. I pass no secrets yet. I am innocent man. We haven't done nothing wrong.

Suits:  (Eyeing each other. Then in unison) It's happened again.

First suit:  Would you believe it? Every time... Why do they always do that?

Second Suit:  Lord knows... Suspicious, I suppose. For some reason they just cannot seem to believe that we're for real.

First Suit:  Makes no sense. No sense at all. We're for real alright.

Second Suit:  Too right we're for real!

All the World's a Pulpit

(The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Pope discuss Globalisation)

Pope:  Firstly, Archbishop Williams, may I offer you my condolences regarding your football team's losses in the World Cup games in South Africa. It was most exhilarating, I mean, upsetting.

Canterbury:  (Confused) That is very kind, Your Holiness. Not that I...

Pope:  Follow the game closely?

Canterbury:  Well...

Pope:  I do understand. Neither do I.

Canterbury:  But may I also offer you mine, my condolences to your team... well to the Italian team at least... even if... the Vatican and, and... Italy are not exactly one and the same thing.

Pope:  Indeed, they are not exactly one and the same. But thank you for your consideration. I will pass it on to Signor Berlusconi when I next meet with him.

Canterbury:  I do feel that it's rather sad when men who are considered giants in their own countries - and with salaries to boot - lose some of their, shall we say, status when it comes to the world stage.

Pope:  Indeed it is. And it appears that your footballers are among the highest paid in the whole world. There is clearly no correlation between the money your managers pay them and their performance against other nations.

Canterbury:  It would appear not. This is perhaps one of the unforeseen consequences of globalisation, I fear. A man's value changes according to the context in which he appears, in which he acts, in which he transacts... It is the same, I suppose, for the Asian factory worker, who appears to have a different value to the worker in my country... or indeed in Italy, for that matter.

Pope:  Yes... unforeseen consquences indeed... this is a possible downside of globalisation... And something that gives many amongst us some cause for concern.

Canterbury:  (Nervous, hesitant) Of course... in a sense... you could say that we - our churches - led the way in this field.

Pope:  How do you mean, Archbishop Williams?

Canterbury:  Well... In globalisation, I mean. In a very real sense, we - our churches, yours and mine - invented globalisation. We can indeed acknowledge that our missionaries, our pilgrims were visiting far flung places and trying to 'globalise' the faith, if you like, long before Sir Walter Raleigh or General Clive or The East India Company were attempting to diversify their interests, their specific business interests... if I can put it that way.

Pope:  You can put it any way you like, Archbishop Williams. I always do. However, you are right. We did diversify, as you correctly say, long before the businessmen were spreading their own little 'Gospel'.

Canterbury:  And of course, if you don't mind my saying, your particular 'Gospel' was not always totally devoid of commercial endeavour. Would you agree?

Pope:  What can you mean, commercial endeavour?

Canterbury:  (Looks awkward, keen not to offend) What I mean is that the spreading of the early faith was, I would say, to some extent accompanied by the spreading of certain commercially lucrative practices.

Pope:  Commercially lucrative practices? What in the good name of the Lord are you talking about? There were no commercially lucrative practices.

Canterbury:  (Hesitant) Well, without wanting to er... cause offence, you could say that the spreading, the selling of indulgences had certain commercial ramifications... in that it paid for the building of St.Peters in Rome.

Pope:  How dare you, insolent Anglican. St. Peters was a dedication to the faith. Those who helped build it were doing God's work, not the work of Mammon.

Canterbury:  (Uncomfortable) Oh, er... No, I didn't mean it quite like that, your Holiness. And I am most sorry if I have caused offence.

Pope:  As so you should. There is no comparison between St. Peters and your East India company or your Lloyds of London or your Standard Chartered Bank.

Canterbury:  No, of course not. Nor would I venture to suggest that there were. I was really referring more to the selling of indulgences per se... as an issue. I am sure you would agree, none of us would like to see a return to that particularly global practice, would we?

Pope:  Can you Protestants stop busting my balls. Indulgence of all sorts are acceptable within the Catholica Church. As a matter of fact, one thing that a lot of us in the Church could do with right now is indulgence... if not indulgences.

Canterbury:  (Summoning up the courage) Well, if I may be so bold... Your, Your Holiness... Maybe - I would venture to suggest - a little less indulgence, or indulgences, on a global scale is, are what is needed right now.

Pope:  How do you mean, Bish?

Canterbury:  (Hesitant) Er, Archbishop, if you wouldn't mind.

Pope:  Bish, Archbish. Whatever. Anglican is what Anglican does.

Canterbury:  (Mildly hurt) Oh, I see... well... erm, what I was about to say was that, that... now that Catholic Priests the world over are being roundly condemned for the way in which they have been indulging themselves when they are, erm 'treating their flock', as it were...

Pope:  (Aggressively) Yes...?

Canterbury:  Well, maybe you'll be so kind as to keep your hands off... off my priests, if that is, well, acceptable to you.

Pope:  Do not understand. Please explain.

Canterbury:  Your Holiness... Would it be asking too much, if I, if I suggested, if I requested that you cease, as it were, grooming the somewhat higher Anglicans within my Church... with a view to turning them to Rome. That particular approach to globalisation is one that does not sit easily with a lot of people in my country right now, I have to say.

Pope:  Listen, Buster. If things carry on as they are for the Catholica Church, I am going to need to cast my net as far and as wide as I can. I'm gonna need to get a whole lot of new priests on board - wherever on the globe they might happen to be.

Canterbury:  (Calmly, Resigned) Hmm... I see. Yes... I suppose that you do have a point. I do not wish to appear uncharitable, of course, not at a time like this... Your church is indeed in a spot of bother, is it not?

Pope:  Not kidding, Buster.

Canterbury:  Archbishop. I'm an Archbishop.

Pope:  Yeah, whatever, Archbishop.

Consider the Utilities

An address by the the Archbishop of Cant

Everywhere, the train companies are going off the rails, the water companies are dry and arid, the energy companies see their power ebbing away.

But spare a thought for the poor, downtrodden shareholders. For years they have seen the money pouring in to their bank accounts. They have been secure in the knowledge that their investments will go up and up and up. And even in the proverbial 'bear market' there is one thing of which they have always been certain - and that is the Holy Dividend.

These humble shareholder have a right to receive such dividends. It is clearly stated in the Book of Profits that "no state Utility, once it is privatised, shall exist purely for the benefit of the consumers." Indeed the consumers exists "purely for the benefit of the shareholders, who shall readily fleece the consumers, through good times and bad - yea, even when the waters do run dry and even when the power does black out."

But what is it we see before us now? The persecuted Utility companies are being harried on all sides by the rabble who do champion the rights of the needy consumers. The companies are told to lower their tariffs, they are told to improve the quality of their services, they are indeed even commanded to invest heavily in the infrastructure of their operations. And to what end? So that the whingeing consumers can whinge some more about the poor quality of the services that the Utilities do provide.

Think upon this: Whence shall that money for investment originate? Will it be the government that does provide? I fear not. The government says that it must cut the deficit and that investment in public utilities must henceforth be scaled back. Will it be the consumer who will pay more? Again, it is most unlikely as the turbulent watchdogs do announce that the consumer is already fleeced enough.

So whence shall it come, this capital? Yes, it shall come from the much maligned shareholders, who were from the outset led to believe that their investments would offer up never ending flows of cash, flows indeed that would vanquish for eternity that great terror of the investors through the ages - that investments could go down as well as up.

Are we therefore to ignore the plight of these poor shareholders? Will we leave them high and dry? I sincerely hope not. No, we must not abandon these good men and women in their hour of need. We shall not cut off that guaranteed flow of capital. For it is a God given right, as set out in the Book of Investors.

And so it is that I ask you now, you, the consumer, to help out those who have stood close by you when you did need your water and did demand your power. I ask you now to look out for these poor hard-done-by souls. I ask you to look within your selves and to dig deep within your pockets. I ask you to help out thus:-

- One pound excess charge donated by every rail user will add millions to the overall dividend of any rail company.

- Ten pounds overpay on your water bill will ensure healthy profits next year and beyond, irrespective of the capital investment made by the water company.

- One hundred thousand pounds paid to the Tony Hayward Give Me My Life Back Fund will do bugger all for the Gulf, for the fishermen, nay even for shareholders. But, yea verily, it will indeed put a big and happy smile back on that ass-hole's face.

Please give generously!

Amen.

Yes Goddess, no Goddess, three bags full, Goddess

On BBC's Today programme, a sycophantic presenter quizzes a blond ex-model on her business dealings with Arabia.

Dramatis Personae:

- Sycophantic Man (Hereafter known as SM)
- Blond Chick (Hereafter known as BC)

SM:  (Obsequious) What may I call you, your Ladyship, your Greatness?

BC:  Call me Goddess, you little creep

SM:  Yes Goddess. I will indeed call you by that - if I may say so - most appropriate form of address. Now can I ask you first of all, can I get inside your knickers, Goddess?

BC:  Not in the sense you mean, you horrid man. But if you beg and lick my boots clean I will literally sell you my knickers at the end of the programme. That is, if one of my wealthy clients doesn't bid for them first.

SM: Thank you Goddess. I will lick your boots until you can see your beautiful reflection in them.

BC:  Good. That's what I want to hear, you snivelling little twerp.

SM: Now, can I ask you, are you patriotic?

BC:  You'll regret asking that question you ghastly little man. Of course I'm patriotic. I have flogged some of the UK's biggest companies to the Arabs.

SM:  Yes and in a sense that is what I am getting at. Is it patriotic to do such a thing?

BC:  What kind of a question is that, you loathsome creature? If I hadn't sold these companies, they would have been bailed out by the British government. How patriotic is that?

SM:  Well, smarm smarm, I suppose that they would have remained more British, your Goddess-ship, would they not?

BC:  And why should British taxpayers pay to bailout lame British companies, slime-ball?

SM:  Oh, I see what you are getting at, your Goddess-ship. You managed to get your friends in Qatar to waste their money on our crumbling institutions. Therefore, you were doing your patriotic duty. Is that it?

BC:  Well, hello, creepo? That's exactly what I am saying.I offloaded them. A very patriotic thing to do in my opinion.

SM:  And is that the way in which your friends in the Emirates see it? They were taking degenerate British companies off our hands?

BC:  Of course not you pathetic little man. They simply wanted to buy a bit of British arse. Which is precisely what they did.

SM:  Yes, they sure did. And congratulations to you, venerable Goddess for achieving such a win-win situation.

BC:  What would you know about win-win situations, you miserable loser?

SM:  Nothing, Ma'am, I mean, Goddess. I was just desperate to pay you more compliments. But I admit, I am indeed a loser.

BC:  You can say that again. Now have you any other moronic questions, little man.

SM:  No, your Goddess-ship. I'm done.

BC:  No you're not. These boots aren't nearly shiny enough. Get licking, you worm.

SM: Yes, Goddess, I apologise for my lowliness.

BC: Yuk. I think I'm going to be sick. Can you get a move on?

SM:  (Licking her boots and then coming up for air) Yes... Yes, delectable Goddess... and thank you very much for coming onto the Today programme.

BC: Oh, piss off!

BP's Tony Hayward gets serious with the Gulf of Mexico robot

(The disgraced CEO has decided personally to sack the robot that caused the latest oil leak in the gulf. Here's a transcript of the exit interview, as published in Rolling Stoned Magazine.)

Hayward: You understand I had to do this personally, don't you robot?

Robot: Affirmative

Hayward: I had to be seen to be acting decisively.

Robot: Affirmative

Hayward: Exactly. Affirmative. Got it in one... People in the US have to know I'm capable of affirmative action.

Robot: Affirmative

Hayward: And when you sack a robot, you can be sure, it's nothing personal. My actions... they're nothing personal.

Robot: Affirmative

Hayward: But it shows I'm getting tough. Just as Obama got tough with Stanley McChrystal, that is what I am doing now. Getting tough with you, robot.

Robot: Affirmative

Hayward: I want the Yanks to know what a tough man I really am.

Robot: Affirmative

Hayward: (Frowns) By the way... do you say anything other than affirmative?

Robot: Affirmative

Hayward: So what's that, then? What else do you say?

Robot: Negative

Hayward: (Chuckles nervously) Oh right... Yeah... Gotcha. (Scratches his head) So let me ask you. When you collided with the oil cap the other day, did you view that as an affirmative or a negative action?

Robot: (Tries to respond but freezes. Sparks start flying out of its head) Aff...aff... aff... neg... neg... neg... aff...

Hayward: (Worried) Oh dear, you don't know how to answer that one do you, robot? You are really, really confused.

Robot: (More sparks) Aff... aff... aff... neg... neg... aff...

Hayward: You're not going to short circuit on me, robot? I wouldn't want to be responsible for more tragedy. After all that's gone on in the gulf.

Robot: (Unfreezes) Negative

Hayward: (Visibly relieved) Phew. You had me worried for a moment just then, robot. Thought you might flip on me. You know, thought you might go loco as they say in the Gulf of Mexico.

Robot: Negative

Hayward: (Smiles) But hey... You know what? That's got me thinking, robot. You seem like a robot after my own heart. I like the way you didn't give a meaningful response to my difficult and confusing question. I like the way you weren't sure whether your actions were negative or affirmative. I like the way you went into a kind of meltdown just then, but you didn't actually... go into a meltdown.

Robot: Affirmative

Hayward: (Chuckles) Yeah... affirmative... I like all this affirmative / negative buzz as well

Robot: Affirmative

Hayward: Yeah, so like, I was thinking... maybe I shouldn't sack you. Maybe it's you who should take over day to day running of BP... especially focusing on the clean up operation in the gulf.

Robot: Affirmative

Hayward: Well that's just brilliant! That's ace! Affirmative!!! Welcome to the club, robot... Now I am goin' to teach you to say one more thing. Very important this... especially for a robot... Now, repeat after me: I just want to get my life back.

Robot: (Effortlessly) I just want to get my life back

Hayward: That's really brilliant, robot. I'm really impressed.

Robot: Affirmative.

Hayward: Boy, Congress won't stand a chance... next time they want to interview the guy running the clean up operation in the gulf. Not a chance!

Robot: Affirmative.

Hayward: Robot... I can tell you one thing... You'll go far in BP. You really will... GO FAR...

Robot: (Pauses, appears to turn this comment over in its micro-processor head. After a few moments, it resumes) Affirmative.

Hayward: Yes, robot... affirmative, robot. You really will... you will go far.

Robot: Affirmative

News in Brief

Large Hadron Collider: scientists create the racket of the ‘God particle’

Scientists hoping to make the £6bn Hadron experiment more accessible claim to have simulated the sounds that will be made by sub-atomic particles such as the Higgs boson when they are produced at the Collider. Their goal is to "listen to the data" and pick out the Higgs particle if and when they finally detect it.

Said one scientist: "Now you can listen to the baloney as it emerges from the collider, rather than just read about it in the newspapers."

When asked for his take on the Higgs Bozo particle, artist and comedian Rolf Harris added: "Can you hear what it is yet?"

Budget draws ideological battle lines (allegedly)

The BBC has denied any ideological bias in its reporting of the budget. In an interview with George Osborne on the flagship Today programme Evan Davis suggested that many of The Chancellor's budget measures were ideological. There is no word yet as to whether Davis's line of questioning was itself ideological. But The Old Meerkat will no doubt enlighten listeners at some point.

The Budget: Long Faces at Disney

It's not just the Mickey Mouse jobs, the Donald Duck sinecures. Councils throughout Britain fear its the final curtain for thousands of useless posts created during New Labour's time in office. Who will now pay for what the deprived and destitute really need: Totem Pole Artists, Putting People First Programme Managers, City Events and International Links Officers?

The cruel old Chancellor has decided to slice and dice the public sector and throughout the land people in jobs serving no useful purpose whatsoever will find themselves on the scrapheap - as if they weren't effectively already.

Said one Wellbeing and Looking Outwards Analyst: "My job which used to pay a mere 35K a year was a lifeline for the many useless and boring people who lurk around the corridors of Britain's council offices. I used to go round making sure that people took tea breaks and went for walks in the park just as they're supposed to do and just as it says in their contracts. Do you not see? People who are in dead-end jobs need people like me to tell them to get a life. These cuts are an absolute tragedy. Now it's me who's going to have to get a life. And there's no one out there who's going to tell me to do it. Well, apart from the Chancellor of the Exchequer, that is. The bastard."

BP and the Bermuda Triangle

Could it be true? The oil spill was not the fault of BP, but was really the latest ghostly manifestation of the Bermuda Triangle? Word going round the higher echelons of the troubled company is that it is as much a victim of the ecological disaster as the struggling Gulf of Mexico fishermen.

"We are all yachting men and we know troubled waters when we see them. For example, we will never sail through an oil slick. No way! It makes our lovely white hulls all black and slimy. And if that happens you have to get out your big boat brush and spend all weekend a-scrubbing and a-whitewashing. It'll be bloody ages before you get your life back, be in no doubt.

"And another thing we boating fellows know is that you NEVER, I repeat NEVER sail into or within close proximity of the Bermuda triangle. It's a hell-hole. It has taken down many a boat and many a skipper with much bigger balls than any of us might hope to possess. And we are now working on the theory that this Triangle might be the root cause of the catastrophic spill.

A spokeman for BP was pressed on this point. He was asked first: Was the well-head really that close to the legendary Triangle? Second, did this spooky manifestation have much form when it came to screwing with deep water drilling, especially of the oil variety?

He responded: Who knows? There has to be a first time for every triangle. Maybe that well-head was more than this ghostly entity could resist. And anyway, if it ain't the Bermuda Triangle, we're also looking into suggestions that it might be the Bahamas Triangle, the Cayman Triangle, The Monte Carlo Triangle... Who knows, even the Tripoli Triangle?"

Aimless Amis

Amis stalks the streets, walks tall again. Grown men sweat when they see him coming.  And boy does he come. Everywhere. That's what Marty kinda knows best: He just comes and comes and comes. Everywhere. Fucking everywhere.

Marty, he's a bully. But he's no funker - not like the other guys who bully. He's incredibly brave. He goes straight through the door and shows them all who's boss. When he fights, he's reckless. But he's also just. He hits the hitters. The big hitters. The really, really big fucking hitters.

But politics ain't where it's at these days, says Marty. Britain's become a global irrelevance. It's dominated by bad guys - "touchy vain power-hungry politicians obsessed by maintaining face." Even Cameron. Has. No. Impact.

And when these guys, these political guys have no impact, then Marty kinda cannot get a handle on politics.

Shame. Real shame. No one told Marty about meltdown - that's the financial meltdown to you and me, brothers and sisters. Looks like he also forgot BP and the Gulf of Mexico spill. That's a Brit issue. And did he care to ask: What happened to the previous guy? You know, the previous guy? The last occupant of No.10?

Maybe Marty doesn't really care.

Or doesn't know.

Sheffield Steal

The people of Sheffield are quite literally up in arms because spending committments made by a bunch of dodgy geezers will not be honoured by the coalition government. The Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander has announced that promises made by the outgoing Labour government were totally unfunded and therefore cannot be honoured. Local people are angry that this will mean a loss of jobs in the area (even though no jobs have yet been created.)

Said one local businessman: "I am utterly gutted. These very pleasant Arthur Daley characters visited us before the general election and generously offered us a huge wad of cash, no questions asked mind, if we promised to vote Labour. Well, we kept our part of the bargain and supported Gordon Brown and yet now we are not getting our new factory or our shiny new hospital. It's not right."

Another Sheffield man said: "What's the world coming to when this coalition government won't make good the promises given by a bunch of crooks and charlatans. I mean, even BBC's Newsnight thinks that the coalition government is out of order. And it should know what "out of order" means.

On other pages: Television has-been Lord Sugar ("you're tired") thinks President Obama and Congress actually give a toss about his views on BP

BP investors are outraged, disgusted and screaming blue murder

Shareholders in BP are appalled by the news that the company is to suspend this year's dividend payout.The move by the oil giant has been described as a crippling blow for investors, an appalling betrayal of the rich and needy.

BP is responsible for £1 in every £7 of dividends paid by FTSE 100 companies and the company on average doles out around £1.8billion in dividends every three months. But after a meeting with President Obama on Wednesday, it was announced that the days of easy money are over. Waves of filthy lucre will not be gushing into the pockets of investors - for this year at least.

One enraged fund manager said: "We all know you gotta speculate to accumulate, but with BP it was always supposed to be different. We thought you could just accumulate to accumulate... and then you accumulate some more and you just keep on accumuating and accumulating for ever and ever and ever, Amen. But this? Well, this is plain disgusting!

A leading shareholder began frothing at the mouth, tore all his hair out and screamed: "They always say that the value of investments can go down as well as up. But them guys in the know, they always kinda said that BP was a dead cert. So, does it really take one teensy-weensy little oil spill in a far off place to stop the flow of lovely, lovely lolly? Let's face it, the oil keeps on going up and up (into the Gulf of Mexico). And if that's the case, then surely so should the value of the dividend. You know what I say, Pal? I love my money to be slimy, grubby and permanently on tap... rather like BP's oil, when you think about it."