Friday, 25 June 2010

Yes Goddess, no Goddess, three bags full, Goddess

On BBC's Today programme, a sycophantic presenter quizzes a blond ex-model on her business dealings with Arabia.

Dramatis Personae:

- Sycophantic Man (Hereafter known as SM)
- Blond Chick (Hereafter known as BC)

SM:  (Obsequious) What may I call you, your Ladyship, your Greatness?

BC:  Call me Goddess, you little creep

SM:  Yes Goddess. I will indeed call you by that - if I may say so - most appropriate form of address. Now can I ask you first of all, can I get inside your knickers, Goddess?

BC:  Not in the sense you mean, you horrid man. But if you beg and lick my boots clean I will literally sell you my knickers at the end of the programme. That is, if one of my wealthy clients doesn't bid for them first.

SM: Thank you Goddess. I will lick your boots until you can see your beautiful reflection in them.

BC:  Good. That's what I want to hear, you snivelling little twerp.

SM: Now, can I ask you, are you patriotic?

BC:  You'll regret asking that question you ghastly little man. Of course I'm patriotic. I have flogged some of the UK's biggest companies to the Arabs.

SM:  Yes and in a sense that is what I am getting at. Is it patriotic to do such a thing?

BC:  What kind of a question is that, you loathsome creature? If I hadn't sold these companies, they would have been bailed out by the British government. How patriotic is that?

SM:  Well, smarm smarm, I suppose that they would have remained more British, your Goddess-ship, would they not?

BC:  And why should British taxpayers pay to bailout lame British companies, slime-ball?

SM:  Oh, I see what you are getting at, your Goddess-ship. You managed to get your friends in Qatar to waste their money on our crumbling institutions. Therefore, you were doing your patriotic duty. Is that it?

BC:  Well, hello, creepo? That's exactly what I am saying.I offloaded them. A very patriotic thing to do in my opinion.

SM:  And is that the way in which your friends in the Emirates see it? They were taking degenerate British companies off our hands?

BC:  Of course not you pathetic little man. They simply wanted to buy a bit of British arse. Which is precisely what they did.

SM:  Yes, they sure did. And congratulations to you, venerable Goddess for achieving such a win-win situation.

BC:  What would you know about win-win situations, you miserable loser?

SM:  Nothing, Ma'am, I mean, Goddess. I was just desperate to pay you more compliments. But I admit, I am indeed a loser.

BC:  You can say that again. Now have you any other moronic questions, little man.

SM:  No, your Goddess-ship. I'm done.

BC:  No you're not. These boots aren't nearly shiny enough. Get licking, you worm.

SM: Yes, Goddess, I apologise for my lowliness.

BC: Yuk. I think I'm going to be sick. Can you get a move on?

SM:  (Licking her boots and then coming up for air) Yes... Yes, delectable Goddess... and thank you very much for coming onto the Today programme.

BC: Oh, piss off!

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