Wednesday, 30 June 2010

EXCLUSIVE! Transcript of Russian Spy Conversation

(We are at the house of Dimitry, codename Dwayne, a member of the Russian spy ring. The transcript is evidence of the lengths to which members of the ring have gone in order to conceal their true identities. They have been living ordinary suburban lives and interracting effortlessly with local people and tradesmen. In this section, the delivery man Michael knocks at the front door.)

Michael:  Hi Dwayne, how are you? Couldn't remember... was it one pint of milk or two you ordered?

Dwayne:  The milk in Volgograd is always warm at this time of year.

Michael:  Yeah, sure, Dwayne. Whatever you say. So is it one pint or two? Half fat or skimmed?

Dwayne:  The skim operation is confirmed. The codes will be sent to the house of Madame Bartok in Bucharest before sunset.

Michael:  So, I take it you want skimmed. Right?

(A plumber turns up and tries to squeeze past Michael.)

Plumber:  Hi, someone called out a plumber? Problem with a hot water tank?

Dwayne:  The tanks will roll into Gdansk when the last swallow sings Chopin Mazurka in B minor.

Plumber:  Sorry, Buddy? Must have been your wife called us. Hot water tank sprung a leak?

Michael:  (Impatient) Listen Dwayne, i'll just leave you with one pint of each... half and half... and skimmed? Okay?

Dwayne:  The representative, codename Chester, will be sitting on the white bench by the bandstand in Arlington Park. You will ask him whether the milk will turn to cheese in St Petersberg after the lark return in November. He will pass you the instructions for the rendez-vous and the money

Michael:  Yeah, whatever Dwayne. Same old routine. (Leaves milk and departs).

Plumber:  Hello??? Can you take me to the tank, the hot water tank? Time is money, remember?

Dwayne:  No, Vladimir will show you the tanks when you will arrive and he will explain the plans for the Warsaw Three. But please now to leave the microfiche with my wife.

Plumber:  (Ignoring him) Fine. I'll ask your wife where to go.

(Dwayne's wife Lilly appears at the door and invites the plumber in.)

Dwayne:  Lilly, the 'plumbing man', he will leave you the microfiche. Please to take good care of him. See he come to no harm.

Lilly:  Yeah, whatever you say, Dwayne. (To plumber) Don't mind him, he's always like this.

(A travelling salesman appears at the door. He opens his case and takes out a bundle of insurance documents.)

Salesman:  Hi, have you ever considered what you would do in the event you were taken ill or had an accident? How would you pay your bills? What exactly would you do for income?

Dwayne:  Please ask the man from Tashkent who is serving at the hotdog stand on Virginia Road about 'the income'. He will pass you the identity papers which you will carry to the candy store in shopping centre and ask for Anna. Please to make sure that it is only Anna you talk to.

Salesman:  Sorry, I don't follow. If I've caught you at a bad time I can always come back later.

Dwayne:  No, you please to leave these documents with me. I will photograph and you will return at Midday precisely. Lilly, my wife, will open door and you will ask her whether the weather in Kamchatka is pleasant at this time of year. Then she will say it depend on the prevailing wind. Then I will come to the door and return the documents to you. You then take them to pretzel vendor outside Ukraine Embassy and he will dispose of them.

Salesman: Yeah, Bud. Whatever you say. (He eyes Dwayne quizzically then hands him one of the forms. He leaves and mutters to himself) Jesus, guy's a fruitcake.

(A man and a woman, both in smart suits walk up the path. They are holding out what appear to be books. They address Dwayne).

Suits:  Hello, have you five minutes, Sir?

Dwayne: (Suspicious) Er... yes. Please to tell me. What is it precisely?

Suits: We would like to ask you a question.

Dwayne: (Looks worried) What kind of question?

Suits: We'll get straight to the point.

Dwayne:  (Looks really worried) Okay, what do you want to know?

Suits:  Have you ever asked yourself whether Jesus loves you?

Dwayne:  Oh, no!

Suits:  Have you ever asked yourself what you need to do to let Jesus into your heart?

Dwayne:  Oh my God. (Calls into the house) Lilly! Lilly!

Suits:  Will you pray with us and let Jesus save you?

Dwayne:  Lilly. It is undercover FBI. Quick! Hurry! Out of the house, no time to delay. The undercover FBI they come to arrest us. Run! Fast as you can.

(Dwayne bolts down the path. He is seen vanishing into the distance glancing back a couple of times and shouting.)

             Please. There is no evidence. I pass no secrets yet. I am innocent man. We haven't done nothing wrong.

Suits:  (Eyeing each other. Then in unison) It's happened again.

First suit:  Would you believe it? Every time... Why do they always do that?

Second Suit:  Lord knows... Suspicious, I suppose. For some reason they just cannot seem to believe that we're for real.

First Suit:  Makes no sense. No sense at all. We're for real alright.

Second Suit:  Too right we're for real!

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