(The disgraced CEO has decided personally to sack the robot that caused the latest oil leak in the gulf. Here's a transcript of the exit interview, as published in Rolling Stoned Magazine.)
Hayward: You understand I had to do this personally, don't you robot?
Hayward: I had to be seen to be acting decisively.
Hayward: Exactly. Affirmative. Got it in one... People in the US have to know I'm capable of affirmative action.
Hayward: And when you sack a robot, you can be sure, it's nothing personal. My actions... they're nothing personal.
Hayward: But it shows I'm getting tough. Just as Obama got tough with Stanley McChrystal, that is what I am doing now. Getting tough with you, robot.
Hayward: I want the Yanks to know what a tough man I really am.
Hayward: (Frowns) By the way... do you say anything other than affirmative?
Hayward: So what's that, then? What else do you say?
Hayward: (Chuckles nervously) Oh right... Yeah... Gotcha. (Scratches his head) So let me ask you. When you collided with the oil cap the other day, did you view that as an affirmative or a negative action?
Robot: (Tries to respond but freezes. Sparks start flying out of its head) Aff...aff... aff... neg... neg... neg... aff...
Hayward: (Worried) Oh dear, you don't know how to answer that one do you, robot? You are really, really confused.
Robot: (More sparks) Aff... aff... aff... neg... neg... aff...
Hayward: You're not going to short circuit on me, robot? I wouldn't want to be responsible for more tragedy. After all that's gone on in the gulf.
Robot: (Unfreezes) Negative
Hayward: (Visibly relieved) Phew. You had me worried for a moment just then, robot. Thought you might flip on me. You know, thought you might go loco as they say in the Gulf of Mexico.
Hayward: (Smiles) But hey... You know what? That's got me thinking, robot. You seem like a robot after my own heart. I like the way you didn't give a meaningful response to my difficult and confusing question. I like the way you weren't sure whether your actions were negative or affirmative. I like the way you went into a kind of meltdown just then, but you didn't actually... go into a meltdown.
Hayward: (Chuckles) Yeah... affirmative... I like all this affirmative / negative buzz as well
Hayward: Yeah, so like, I was thinking... maybe I shouldn't sack you. Maybe it's you who should take over day to day running of BP... especially focusing on the clean up operation in the gulf.
Hayward: Well that's just brilliant! That's ace! Affirmative!!! Welcome to the club, robot... Now I am goin' to teach you to say one more thing. Very important this... especially for a robot... Now, repeat after me: I just want to get my life back.
Robot: (Effortlessly) I just want to get my life back
Hayward: That's really brilliant, robot. I'm really impressed.
Hayward: Boy, Congress won't stand a chance... next time they want to interview the guy running the clean up operation in the gulf. Not a chance!
Hayward: Robot... I can tell you one thing... You'll go far in BP. You really will... GO FAR...
Robot: (Pauses, appears to turn this comment over in its micro-processor head. After a few moments, it resumes) Affirmative.
Hayward: Yes, robot... affirmative, robot. You really will... you will go far.