(The disgraced CEO has decided personally to sack the robot that caused the latest oil leak in the gulf. Here's a transcript of the exit interview, as published in Rolling Stoned Magazine.)
Hayward: You understand I had to do this personally, don't you robot?
Robot: Affirmative
Hayward: I had to be seen to be acting decisively.
Robot: Affirmative
Hayward: Exactly. Affirmative. Got it in one... People in the US have to know I'm capable of affirmative action.
Robot: Affirmative
Hayward: And when you sack a robot, you can be sure, it's nothing personal. My actions... they're nothing personal.
Robot: Affirmative
Hayward: But it shows I'm getting tough. Just as Obama got tough with Stanley McChrystal, that is what I am doing now. Getting tough with you, robot.
Robot: Affirmative
Hayward: I want the Yanks to know what a tough man I really am.
Robot: Affirmative
Hayward: (Frowns) By the way... do you say anything other than affirmative?
Robot: Affirmative
Hayward: So what's that, then? What else do you say?
Robot: Negative
Hayward: (Chuckles nervously) Oh right... Yeah... Gotcha. (Scratches his head) So let me ask you. When you collided with the oil cap the other day, did you view that as an affirmative or a negative action?
Robot: (Tries to respond but freezes. Sparks start flying out of its head) Aff...aff... aff... neg... neg... neg... aff...
Hayward: (Worried) Oh dear, you don't know how to answer that one do you, robot? You are really, really confused.
Robot: (More sparks) Aff... aff... aff... neg... neg... aff...
Hayward: You're not going to short circuit on me, robot? I wouldn't want to be responsible for more tragedy. After all that's gone on in the gulf.
Robot: (Unfreezes) Negative
Hayward: (Visibly relieved) Phew. You had me worried for a moment just then, robot. Thought you might flip on me. You know, thought you might go loco as they say in the Gulf of Mexico.
Robot: Negative
Hayward: (Smiles) But hey... You know what? That's got me thinking, robot. You seem like a robot after my own heart. I like the way you didn't give a meaningful response to my difficult and confusing question. I like the way you weren't sure whether your actions were negative or affirmative. I like the way you went into a kind of meltdown just then, but you didn't actually... go into a meltdown.
Robot: Affirmative
Hayward: (Chuckles) Yeah... affirmative... I like all this affirmative / negative buzz as well
Robot: Affirmative
Hayward: Yeah, so like, I was thinking... maybe I shouldn't sack you. Maybe it's you who should take over day to day running of BP... especially focusing on the clean up operation in the gulf.
Robot: Affirmative
Hayward: Well that's just brilliant! That's ace! Affirmative!!! Welcome to the club, robot... Now I am goin' to teach you to say one more thing. Very important this... especially for a robot... Now, repeat after me: I just want to get my life back.
Robot: (Effortlessly) I just want to get my life back
Hayward: That's really brilliant, robot. I'm really impressed.
Robot: Affirmative.
Hayward: Boy, Congress won't stand a chance... next time they want to interview the guy running the clean up operation in the gulf. Not a chance!
Robot: Affirmative.
Hayward: Robot... I can tell you one thing... You'll go far in BP. You really will... GO FAR...
Robot: (Pauses, appears to turn this comment over in its micro-processor head. After a few moments, it resumes) Affirmative.
Hayward: Yes, robot... affirmative, robot. You really will... you will go far.
Robot: Affirmative
Thursday, 24 June 2010
Wednesday, 23 June 2010
News in Brief
Large Hadron Collider: scientists create the racket of the ‘God particle’
Scientists hoping to make the £6bn Hadron experiment more accessible claim to have simulated the sounds that will be made by sub-atomic particles such as the Higgs boson when they are produced at the Collider. Their goal is to "listen to the data" and pick out the Higgs particle if and when they finally detect it.
Said one scientist: "Now you can listen to the baloney as it emerges from the collider, rather than just read about it in the newspapers."
When asked for his take on the Higgs Bozo particle, artist and comedian Rolf Harris added: "Can you hear what it is yet?"
Budget draws ideological battle lines (allegedly)
The BBC has denied any ideological bias in its reporting of the budget. In an interview with George Osborne on the flagship Today programme Evan Davis suggested that many of The Chancellor's budget measures were ideological. There is no word yet as to whether Davis's line of questioning was itself ideological. But The Old Meerkat will no doubt enlighten listeners at some point.
Scientists hoping to make the £6bn Hadron experiment more accessible claim to have simulated the sounds that will be made by sub-atomic particles such as the Higgs boson when they are produced at the Collider. Their goal is to "listen to the data" and pick out the Higgs particle if and when they finally detect it.
Said one scientist: "Now you can listen to the baloney as it emerges from the collider, rather than just read about it in the newspapers."
When asked for his take on the Higgs Bozo particle, artist and comedian Rolf Harris added: "Can you hear what it is yet?"
Budget draws ideological battle lines (allegedly)
The BBC has denied any ideological bias in its reporting of the budget. In an interview with George Osborne on the flagship Today programme Evan Davis suggested that many of The Chancellor's budget measures were ideological. There is no word yet as to whether Davis's line of questioning was itself ideological. But The Old Meerkat will no doubt enlighten listeners at some point.
Tuesday, 22 June 2010
The Budget: Long Faces at Disney
It's not just the Mickey Mouse jobs, the Donald Duck sinecures. Councils throughout Britain fear its the final curtain for thousands of useless posts created during New Labour's time in office. Who will now pay for what the deprived and destitute really need: Totem Pole Artists, Putting People First Programme Managers, City Events and International Links Officers?
The cruel old Chancellor has decided to slice and dice the public sector and throughout the land people in jobs serving no useful purpose whatsoever will find themselves on the scrapheap - as if they weren't effectively already.
Said one Wellbeing and Looking Outwards Analyst: "My job which used to pay a mere 35K a year was a lifeline for the many useless and boring people who lurk around the corridors of Britain's council offices. I used to go round making sure that people took tea breaks and went for walks in the park just as they're supposed to do and just as it says in their contracts. Do you not see? People who are in dead-end jobs need people like me to tell them to get a life. These cuts are an absolute tragedy. Now it's me who's going to have to get a life. And there's no one out there who's going to tell me to do it. Well, apart from the Chancellor of the Exchequer, that is. The bastard."
The cruel old Chancellor has decided to slice and dice the public sector and throughout the land people in jobs serving no useful purpose whatsoever will find themselves on the scrapheap - as if they weren't effectively already.
Said one Wellbeing and Looking Outwards Analyst: "My job which used to pay a mere 35K a year was a lifeline for the many useless and boring people who lurk around the corridors of Britain's council offices. I used to go round making sure that people took tea breaks and went for walks in the park just as they're supposed to do and just as it says in their contracts. Do you not see? People who are in dead-end jobs need people like me to tell them to get a life. These cuts are an absolute tragedy. Now it's me who's going to have to get a life. And there's no one out there who's going to tell me to do it. Well, apart from the Chancellor of the Exchequer, that is. The bastard."
Monday, 21 June 2010
BP and the Bermuda Triangle
Could it be true? The oil spill was not the fault of BP, but was really the latest ghostly manifestation of the Bermuda Triangle? Word going round the higher echelons of the troubled company is that it is as much a victim of the ecological disaster as the struggling Gulf of Mexico fishermen.
"We are all yachting men and we know troubled waters when we see them. For example, we will never sail through an oil slick. No way! It makes our lovely white hulls all black and slimy. And if that happens you have to get out your big boat brush and spend all weekend a-scrubbing and a-whitewashing. It'll be bloody ages before you get your life back, be in no doubt.
"And another thing we boating fellows know is that you NEVER, I repeat NEVER sail into or within close proximity of the Bermuda triangle. It's a hell-hole. It has taken down many a boat and many a skipper with much bigger balls than any of us might hope to possess. And we are now working on the theory that this Triangle might be the root cause of the catastrophic spill.
A spokeman for BP was pressed on this point. He was asked first: Was the well-head really that close to the legendary Triangle? Second, did this spooky manifestation have much form when it came to screwing with deep water drilling, especially of the oil variety?
He responded: Who knows? There has to be a first time for every triangle. Maybe that well-head was more than this ghostly entity could resist. And anyway, if it ain't the Bermuda Triangle, we're also looking into suggestions that it might be the Bahamas Triangle, the Cayman Triangle, The Monte Carlo Triangle... Who knows, even the Tripoli Triangle?"
"We are all yachting men and we know troubled waters when we see them. For example, we will never sail through an oil slick. No way! It makes our lovely white hulls all black and slimy. And if that happens you have to get out your big boat brush and spend all weekend a-scrubbing and a-whitewashing. It'll be bloody ages before you get your life back, be in no doubt.
"And another thing we boating fellows know is that you NEVER, I repeat NEVER sail into or within close proximity of the Bermuda triangle. It's a hell-hole. It has taken down many a boat and many a skipper with much bigger balls than any of us might hope to possess. And we are now working on the theory that this Triangle might be the root cause of the catastrophic spill.
A spokeman for BP was pressed on this point. He was asked first: Was the well-head really that close to the legendary Triangle? Second, did this spooky manifestation have much form when it came to screwing with deep water drilling, especially of the oil variety?
He responded: Who knows? There has to be a first time for every triangle. Maybe that well-head was more than this ghostly entity could resist. And anyway, if it ain't the Bermuda Triangle, we're also looking into suggestions that it might be the Bahamas Triangle, the Cayman Triangle, The Monte Carlo Triangle... Who knows, even the Tripoli Triangle?"
Sunday, 20 June 2010
Aimless Amis
Amis stalks the streets, walks tall again. Grown men sweat when they see him coming. And boy does he come. Everywhere. That's what Marty kinda knows best: He just comes and comes and comes. Everywhere. Fucking everywhere.
Marty, he's a bully. But he's no funker - not like the other guys who bully. He's incredibly brave. He goes straight through the door and shows them all who's boss. When he fights, he's reckless. But he's also just. He hits the hitters. The big hitters. The really, really big fucking hitters.
But politics ain't where it's at these days, says Marty. Britain's become a global irrelevance. It's dominated by bad guys - "touchy vain power-hungry politicians obsessed by maintaining face." Even Cameron. Has. No. Impact.
And when these guys, these political guys have no impact, then Marty kinda cannot get a handle on politics.
Shame. Real shame. No one told Marty about meltdown - that's the financial meltdown to you and me, brothers and sisters. Looks like he also forgot BP and the Gulf of Mexico spill. That's a Brit issue. And did he care to ask: What happened to the previous guy? You know, the previous guy? The last occupant of No.10?
Maybe Marty doesn't really care.
Or doesn't know.
Marty, he's a bully. But he's no funker - not like the other guys who bully. He's incredibly brave. He goes straight through the door and shows them all who's boss. When he fights, he's reckless. But he's also just. He hits the hitters. The big hitters. The really, really big fucking hitters.
But politics ain't where it's at these days, says Marty. Britain's become a global irrelevance. It's dominated by bad guys - "touchy vain power-hungry politicians obsessed by maintaining face." Even Cameron. Has. No. Impact.
And when these guys, these political guys have no impact, then Marty kinda cannot get a handle on politics.
Shame. Real shame. No one told Marty about meltdown - that's the financial meltdown to you and me, brothers and sisters. Looks like he also forgot BP and the Gulf of Mexico spill. That's a Brit issue. And did he care to ask: What happened to the previous guy? You know, the previous guy? The last occupant of No.10?
Maybe Marty doesn't really care.
Or doesn't know.
Friday, 18 June 2010
Sheffield Steal
The people of Sheffield are quite literally up in arms because spending committments made by a bunch of dodgy geezers will not be honoured by the coalition government. The Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander has announced that promises made by the outgoing Labour government were totally unfunded and therefore cannot be honoured. Local people are angry that this will mean a loss of jobs in the area (even though no jobs have yet been created.)
Said one local businessman: "I am utterly gutted. These very pleasant Arthur Daley characters visited us before the general election and generously offered us a huge wad of cash, no questions asked mind, if we promised to vote Labour. Well, we kept our part of the bargain and supported Gordon Brown and yet now we are not getting our new factory or our shiny new hospital. It's not right."
Another Sheffield man said: "What's the world coming to when this coalition government won't make good the promises given by a bunch of crooks and charlatans. I mean, even BBC's Newsnight thinks that the coalition government is out of order. And it should know what "out of order" means.
On other pages: Television has-been Lord Sugar ("you're tired") thinks President Obama and Congress actually give a toss about his views on BP
Said one local businessman: "I am utterly gutted. These very pleasant Arthur Daley characters visited us before the general election and generously offered us a huge wad of cash, no questions asked mind, if we promised to vote Labour. Well, we kept our part of the bargain and supported Gordon Brown and yet now we are not getting our new factory or our shiny new hospital. It's not right."
Another Sheffield man said: "What's the world coming to when this coalition government won't make good the promises given by a bunch of crooks and charlatans. I mean, even BBC's Newsnight thinks that the coalition government is out of order. And it should know what "out of order" means.
On other pages: Television has-been Lord Sugar ("you're tired") thinks President Obama and Congress actually give a toss about his views on BP
BP investors are outraged, disgusted and screaming blue murder
Shareholders in BP are appalled by the news that the company is to suspend this year's dividend payout.The move by the oil giant has been described as a crippling blow for investors, an appalling betrayal of the rich and needy.
BP is responsible for £1 in every £7 of dividends paid by FTSE 100 companies and the company on average doles out around £1.8billion in dividends every three months. But after a meeting with President Obama on Wednesday, it was announced that the days of easy money are over. Waves of filthy lucre will not be gushing into the pockets of investors - for this year at least.
One enraged fund manager said: "We all know you gotta speculate to accumulate, but with BP it was always supposed to be different. We thought you could just accumulate to accumulate... and then you accumulate some more and you just keep on accumuating and accumulating for ever and ever and ever, Amen. But this? Well, this is plain disgusting!
A leading shareholder began frothing at the mouth, tore all his hair out and screamed: "They always say that the value of investments can go down as well as up. But them guys in the know, they always kinda said that BP was a dead cert. So, does it really take one teensy-weensy little oil spill in a far off place to stop the flow of lovely, lovely lolly? Let's face it, the oil keeps on going up and up (into the Gulf of Mexico). And if that's the case, then surely so should the value of the dividend. You know what I say, Pal? I love my money to be slimy, grubby and permanently on tap... rather like BP's oil, when you think about it."
BP is responsible for £1 in every £7 of dividends paid by FTSE 100 companies and the company on average doles out around £1.8billion in dividends every three months. But after a meeting with President Obama on Wednesday, it was announced that the days of easy money are over. Waves of filthy lucre will not be gushing into the pockets of investors - for this year at least.
One enraged fund manager said: "We all know you gotta speculate to accumulate, but with BP it was always supposed to be different. We thought you could just accumulate to accumulate... and then you accumulate some more and you just keep on accumuating and accumulating for ever and ever and ever, Amen. But this? Well, this is plain disgusting!
A leading shareholder began frothing at the mouth, tore all his hair out and screamed: "They always say that the value of investments can go down as well as up. But them guys in the know, they always kinda said that BP was a dead cert. So, does it really take one teensy-weensy little oil spill in a far off place to stop the flow of lovely, lovely lolly? Let's face it, the oil keeps on going up and up (into the Gulf of Mexico). And if that's the case, then surely so should the value of the dividend. You know what I say, Pal? I love my money to be slimy, grubby and permanently on tap... rather like BP's oil, when you think about it."
Thursday, 17 June 2010
The Big Tent is Dead. Long Live the Teepee
It's official. That dirty great marquee, smeared with brash corporate logos, sponsored by peddlers, pimps, booze cruisers and bling merchants is being taken down piece by piece, crooked tent pole by crooked tent pole. The naff, the vulgar, the vacuous, the money-obsessed are slowly being sent on their sleazy way while ordinary people wander back to their teepees and to lives less shallow, less ephemeral.
The illusion of prosperity, generated by grubby casino capitalism, by life high-on-the-hog is crumbling before our very eyes and reality is dawning. God-willing, the veneration of celebrity, of success borne out of cheap and easy money and empty fame is becoming a thing of the past. It is time for the ordinary citizen to re-engage with what really matters in life: Family, friendship, love and learning... At least, that is the hope...
The unexamined life is not worth living, said Socrates. And let us pray, now that the ghastly confidence trick is over, now that spin is viewed with mistrust even contempt, that people will start examining their lives - not through the prism of political or corporate or commercial narrative nor 'correctness', but through their own eyes, taking into account their own concerns and the issues that really matter to them and those all around them.
And is celebrity dead? No. It never was and never will be. These shallow individuals will be with us for some time yet. But at long last their fetid, stinking legacy is under scrutiny. And people might in time look upon the society they created - along with all of its ugly accoutrements - with suspicion and disbelief, perhaps even with, who knows, unrestrained loathing. We can only dream...
But whoever said that cynicism was a bad thing? It sure beats bling - hands down.
The illusion of prosperity, generated by grubby casino capitalism, by life high-on-the-hog is crumbling before our very eyes and reality is dawning. God-willing, the veneration of celebrity, of success borne out of cheap and easy money and empty fame is becoming a thing of the past. It is time for the ordinary citizen to re-engage with what really matters in life: Family, friendship, love and learning... At least, that is the hope...
The unexamined life is not worth living, said Socrates. And let us pray, now that the ghastly confidence trick is over, now that spin is viewed with mistrust even contempt, that people will start examining their lives - not through the prism of political or corporate or commercial narrative nor 'correctness', but through their own eyes, taking into account their own concerns and the issues that really matter to them and those all around them.
And is celebrity dead? No. It never was and never will be. These shallow individuals will be with us for some time yet. But at long last their fetid, stinking legacy is under scrutiny. And people might in time look upon the society they created - along with all of its ugly accoutrements - with suspicion and disbelief, perhaps even with, who knows, unrestrained loathing. We can only dream...
But whoever said that cynicism was a bad thing? It sure beats bling - hands down.
Wednesday, 16 June 2010
Madness doth never prosper: what's the reason? Why if it prosper, none dare call it madness
The exams watchdog Ofqual has ordered examination boards to redraft certain GCSE papers because they are not rigorous enough.
Throughout New Labour’s time in office there were concerns that exams were becoming too easy. In particular, it is claimed that papers contained too many multiple choice questions that simply did not challenge the brightest pupils. We decided to see for ourselves what Labour did for pupils in England and Wales during its thirteen years in office.
Talent Show Paper
Who had to solve a problem like Maria? Was it:
A. Andrew Lloyd Webber?
B. Mary Portas?
C. Simon Cowell?
Football Paper
Which Football team do most Labour MPs like the most? Is it:
A. Everton?
B. Liverpool?
C. Dynamo Dresden (Trick question)?
Shopping Paper
Which is your favourite shop? Is it:
A. Top Shop?
B. Primark?
C. Waitrose (Yuk)?
Science Paper
What is the first sign of madness? Is it:
A. Talking to yourself?
B. Not talking to yourself?
C. Treason?
History Paper
Why doth treason never prosper? Is it:
A. Because you don’t know what the word means?
B. Because you cannot spell treason?
C. You what?
Throughout New Labour’s time in office there were concerns that exams were becoming too easy. In particular, it is claimed that papers contained too many multiple choice questions that simply did not challenge the brightest pupils. We decided to see for ourselves what Labour did for pupils in England and Wales during its thirteen years in office.
Talent Show Paper
Who had to solve a problem like Maria? Was it:
A. Andrew Lloyd Webber?
B. Mary Portas?
C. Simon Cowell?
Football Paper
Which Football team do most Labour MPs like the most? Is it:
A. Everton?
B. Liverpool?
C. Dynamo Dresden (Trick question)?
Shopping Paper
Which is your favourite shop? Is it:
A. Top Shop?
B. Primark?
C. Waitrose (Yuk)?
Science Paper
What is the first sign of madness? Is it:
A. Talking to yourself?
B. Not talking to yourself?
C. Treason?
History Paper
Why doth treason never prosper? Is it:
A. Because you don’t know what the word means?
B. Because you cannot spell treason?
C. You what?
Monday, 14 June 2010
Bloc Aid
Two weeks ago a flotilla of ships attempting to break a blockade ran into difficulties when activists on board fought a pitched battle with Israeli commandos resulting in twelve deaths.
Now, fresh from their efforts to bring humanitarian relief to Gaza the organisers of the Turkish flotilla are thinking about extending their generosity to other war zones and troubled borders.
These organisers have become aware that their mission is in danger of turning into a one trick pony and have been considering other trouble spots on the planet where humanitarian concerns are being overlooked. Among them: Burma, Armenia, China/Tibet, China/Korea, Russia/Chechnya, Sudan, Uzbekistan/Kyrgyzstan, Iran, Syria… to name but a few.
One of the flotilla organisers is reputed to have said: “We have big balls and a lot of ideas. We realise that we should be extending our good work to other humanitarian hotspots where the major powers are doing little to intervene.
He added: “But failing that… it might simply be easier to carry on bashing Israel.”
Now, fresh from their efforts to bring humanitarian relief to Gaza the organisers of the Turkish flotilla are thinking about extending their generosity to other war zones and troubled borders.
These organisers have become aware that their mission is in danger of turning into a one trick pony and have been considering other trouble spots on the planet where humanitarian concerns are being overlooked. Among them: Burma, Armenia, China/Tibet, China/Korea, Russia/Chechnya, Sudan, Uzbekistan/Kyrgyzstan, Iran, Syria… to name but a few.
One of the flotilla organisers is reputed to have said: “We have big balls and a lot of ideas. We realise that we should be extending our good work to other humanitarian hotspots where the major powers are doing little to intervene.
He added: “But failing that… it might simply be easier to carry on bashing Israel.”
Sunday, 13 June 2010
The Power of Imagination
Millions of Footie fans watching the England v. US match last night on ITV1 missed the high point of the game as ITV screened a car advert followed by nothing at all on its HD screens.
Viewers screamed and tore their hair out, as they were left to imagine what was happening at that precise moment. Perchance... some dreamt that Captain Steve Gerrard was triumphantly placing the ball at the back of the net, putting the England team 1-0 ahead. A wild hope by anyone’s reckoning.
And if that is in fact what they dreamt, then, once the gremlins had vanished, once normal service had resumed, the fans were surely forced to acknowledge that truth can sometimes be stranger than, or at least as strange as, um... imagination.
On other pages: 'Objective' Andrew Marr invites two Labour luvvies onto his show for an unbiased review of the Sunday papers
Viewers screamed and tore their hair out, as they were left to imagine what was happening at that precise moment. Perchance... some dreamt that Captain Steve Gerrard was triumphantly placing the ball at the back of the net, putting the England team 1-0 ahead. A wild hope by anyone’s reckoning.
And if that is in fact what they dreamt, then, once the gremlins had vanished, once normal service had resumed, the fans were surely forced to acknowledge that truth can sometimes be stranger than, or at least as strange as, um... imagination.
On other pages: 'Objective' Andrew Marr invites two Labour luvvies onto his show for an unbiased review of the Sunday papers
Friday, 11 June 2010
It ain’t rocket science
The government is to appoint a Black Hole Tsar to find out what happened to all of those missing billions. This comes at the end of a week when it was revealed that the interest payment alone on Britain’s debt mountain will top 70BN within five years.
For a while now people have been asking whether Black Holes defy the laws of physics. Most of us know that market activity is supposed to be a zero sum gain. We also know that matter can neither be created nor destroyed. And if that is the case, where did all that lovely lolly go?
There is one obvious answer: speculative investments made in depreciating assets such as sub-prime housing equals money lost (pretty well) forever. But what of the commissions, dividends etc paid out to MDs, VPs, CEOs, shareholders resulting from those deals before they went sour? That is clearly money that is not lost forever. Or is it? It is all a question of attitude, of principle, it seems.
There is a well-known phenomenon that scientists label “Mind over Matter”. What happens is that large amounts of wonga mysteriously travel from one part of the globe to a region called the off-shore bank account. This loot then becomes “ring-fenced” – that is to say, it cannot be touched.
It appears that in recent years a number of speculators / managers etc have “ring-fenced” the money they’ve made on somewhat questionable deals in such off-shore vehicles. The deals then go bad and in certain cases end up destroying or almost destroying the banks or other investment vehicles that originally serviced them
What happens next is one of the most fascinating phenomena known to man. We have all heard the phrase “nature abhors a vacuum.” Well, in this case “the taxpayer abhors a vacuum.” Quite literally, huge wads of cash belonging to the taxpayer flood in to fill the vacuum, in a manoeuvre known by the government of the day as “too big to fail.”
The clever part is that even after the taxpayer has filled the vacuum, the originator of the deal gets to keep his or her “ring-fenced” money. Here are a couple of examples:
- The head of a large American bank that tanked who got to keep around 100 million USD
- The boss of a multinational firm who shifted a billion to the bank account of a relative. The bank that serviced his company subsequently had to be bailed out. His cash was last seen hanging out in Monte Carlo
There are many other such examples where yields / dividends / bonuses paid out to speculators / deal originators have stayed firmly in their bank accounts long after the deals turned sour. In certain "investment" banks it is known to happen on a yearly basis, in a ritual known as "bonus time".
Finally, there is only one known scientific method that stands a hope in hell of redressing this unholy balance. It is called claw back. But it is as yet untried and untested, so no one knows whether it could actually work in practice. And what does the future hold? Will any of the world's governments give this claw back a try? Perhaps that should be the role – and the goal – of a Black Hole Tsar.
For a while now people have been asking whether Black Holes defy the laws of physics. Most of us know that market activity is supposed to be a zero sum gain. We also know that matter can neither be created nor destroyed. And if that is the case, where did all that lovely lolly go?
There is one obvious answer: speculative investments made in depreciating assets such as sub-prime housing equals money lost (pretty well) forever. But what of the commissions, dividends etc paid out to MDs, VPs, CEOs, shareholders resulting from those deals before they went sour? That is clearly money that is not lost forever. Or is it? It is all a question of attitude, of principle, it seems.
There is a well-known phenomenon that scientists label “Mind over Matter”. What happens is that large amounts of wonga mysteriously travel from one part of the globe to a region called the off-shore bank account. This loot then becomes “ring-fenced” – that is to say, it cannot be touched.
It appears that in recent years a number of speculators / managers etc have “ring-fenced” the money they’ve made on somewhat questionable deals in such off-shore vehicles. The deals then go bad and in certain cases end up destroying or almost destroying the banks or other investment vehicles that originally serviced them
What happens next is one of the most fascinating phenomena known to man. We have all heard the phrase “nature abhors a vacuum.” Well, in this case “the taxpayer abhors a vacuum.” Quite literally, huge wads of cash belonging to the taxpayer flood in to fill the vacuum, in a manoeuvre known by the government of the day as “too big to fail.”
The clever part is that even after the taxpayer has filled the vacuum, the originator of the deal gets to keep his or her “ring-fenced” money. Here are a couple of examples:
- The head of a large American bank that tanked who got to keep around 100 million USD
- The boss of a multinational firm who shifted a billion to the bank account of a relative. The bank that serviced his company subsequently had to be bailed out. His cash was last seen hanging out in Monte Carlo
There are many other such examples where yields / dividends / bonuses paid out to speculators / deal originators have stayed firmly in their bank accounts long after the deals turned sour. In certain "investment" banks it is known to happen on a yearly basis, in a ritual known as "bonus time".
Finally, there is only one known scientific method that stands a hope in hell of redressing this unholy balance. It is called claw back. But it is as yet untried and untested, so no one knows whether it could actually work in practice. And what does the future hold? Will any of the world's governments give this claw back a try? Perhaps that should be the role – and the goal – of a Black Hole Tsar.
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