Friday, 21 August 2009

Archive posts migrated from old site to this site - earlier ones still available on

Wednesday, August 19

Government doth never prosper, what's the reason? For if it prosper, none dare call it Stalinism.

by deanludd on Wed 19 Aug 2009 05:50 PM BST

*** This post has been heavily... heavily moderated***

In keeping with the principles of this website, in all things, moderation

Comments (28) | Permanent Link | Cosmos

De Botton is Terminal (5)

by deanludd on Wed 19 Aug 2009 11:29 AM BST

Philosopher Alain de Botton is to become writer in residence at Heathrow Terminal Five. A self-confessed travel nut, De Botton said he hoped to "lift the lid" on how an airport operates. He also intends to squeeze a book out of the venture, a new philosophical work, predicated, it is thought, on the notion that you have to be philosophical to survive the Terminal Five experience.

De Botton says BAA has given him complete editorial freedom and access to all areas as part of a one-book publishing deal. "It's marvellous," he says, "I won't even be scanned when I go through security. That means that I can carry around with me all manner of substances and customs will be none the wiser."

When asked what he meant by "all manner of substances," he replied, "Oh things like my old dog-eared copy of Zarathustra, which I will need to keep at hand at all times. In fact I have always wondered what Nietzsche would have made of Terminal Five. I reckon that he would have been much smitten by the ruthless efficiency, the superhuman struggle to reclaim your baggage and most important of all, the thought that in this hellhole, God must most definitely be dead."

The philosopher was finally asked whether he intended to bring Proust into his endeavour, as he has in the past. "Yes, I think that Proust would definitely have known what to make of the Terminal Five experience - A la recherche du Temps Perdu, might I suggest?"

Comments (12) | Permanent Link | Cosmos

Fuck the Swan

by deanludd on Wed 19 Aug 2009 12:00 AM BST

Leader of the Opposition, David Cameron and the newest philospher of finance on the block, Nassim Taleb have today offered a rare consensus in the increasingly twisted world of political theory and have agreed that a future Conservative government will legalise the slaughter of Black Swans.

Cameron is well known to abhor the killing and eating of swans. An old Etonian, he is fully aware that their killing is a treasonable offence in England, since all swans are the property of the Queen.

However it is widely accepted nowadays that 'treason doth never prosper, for if it prosper none dare call it treason.' And with this in mind Cameron and Taleb are now working on plans to slaughter all of the Black Swans in England and Wales.

Now for those of you who do not know what the 'Black Swan' actually is, Taleb describes it as a "low-probability, high-impact event" that cannot effectively be predicted by any current economic theory - meaning... no theory past or present can tell you when the bad,'Black Swan' is on it way. However, what we do know is that its effect can be devastating - as we saw with the credit crunch.

"The credit crunch was caused by too many 'important' people and their advisers propagating theories in order to achieve their so called 'economic and financial' goals and then going on to bank their ill gotten gains. Killing those bad 'Black Swans' is a good move; it will have a positive effect not just on the world of finance but on society in general. It will bring stability.

"The Queen no longer trades in swans nor cares much about them, and we know that she does not care about 'Black Swans' for sure. But she cares even less about this thing you British call 'theory', or in this instance 'economic theory'. So killing the proverbial 'Black Swan' will kinda be like 'water off a duck's back' for her Majesty..."

"It is with this in mind, that Mr Cameron should act - and act pretty soon - after getting into office. Kill the swan, I say. And let me add this: Mr Cameron should be praised for endorsing an idea that is created not by an aristocratic hanger on or adviser, but by someone who started out in the very markets that caused this nightmare in the first place."

Mr. Nassim Taleb followed up later with: "Who says that your British aristocracy does not move with the times?"

Comments (14) | Permanent Link | Cosmos

Tuesday, August 18

Magna Charter

by deanludd on Tue 18 Aug 2009 11:00 PM BST

The BBC and Channel Four have announced that they will jointly change their charters in order to allow the comedian David Mitchell to become the Director General of both organisations. The 'Peep Show' actor is increasingly making his presence felt in the media world, and in line with current broadcast-think, the more the medium comes to the man, the more the man becomes the message.

Mr Mitchell, or DG Mitchell as he will be known upon his elevation to the highest media post in the land, said tonight that he was ecstatic. "I accept that some viewers have seen a lot of me over recent months and might think that I am the only man running the country, I mean the show, right now. However, I have a head full of ideas and am looking forward to my new responsibilities and my glorious five year plans."

The other contenders for the top slot, Stephen Fry and Jonathon Ross tonight claimed that they were not in any way disappointed that Mitchell had pipped them to the post. "Had we spent more time appearing on comedy game shows and less time tweeting on Twitter, then either one of us could have become Director General." In a joint statement they continued, "We would however advise DG Mitchell that one day the BBC and Channel Four charters will end and will have to be renewed. So it is possible that the comedian's new role will be short lived."

A Mr. Murdoch was not available for comment.

Comments (3) | Permanent Link | Cosmos

Overpaid... over here!

by deanludd on Tue 18 Aug 2009 11:48 AM BST

Health Secretary Andy Burnham is on the war-path again. The Guardian today reports that he has accused the Tories of planning to make the NHS the 'world's biggest quango'. This attack is being seen as an attempt to maintain the pressure on David Cameron after the MEP Daniel Hannan was upbraided for criticising the NHS on US prime-time TV.

"The NHS should really be roon a lot more like Everton Football club," claims plucky Northerner, Mr Burnham. "As everyone knows I love Everton FC more than I love the NHS. And I love Twitter more than both of them. But then who doesn't?" Mr Burnham went on to outline his recommendations: "What I would like to do is to make the NHS much more dynamic - in a way, rather like Everton FC, which is very, very dynamic indeed. We would like to get the NHS moving quicker, make sure that waiting lists never come back. And let me say one thing right now, there are no waiting lists at Everton FC... Oh no."

"People at Everton do a lot of running around, they kick footballs around the football pitch, which, let's face it is very exciting. They shout a lot... things like, 'come on you Toffeemen'. And let's face it that sounds a lot more exciting than 'MRSA' does it not?"

"The Tories, as we all know, would make the NHS much, much more like roogby football. They would 'try' very hard, but 'try' is all they would do. And I think that we all can safely say that we do not want to turn the NHS into one big scrum either, do we? Oh no."

Mr Burnham was asked whether he also intended to introduce into the NHS the Everton habit of paying massive transfer fees. Everton signed James Beattie for £6 million in January 2005, Andy Johnson for £8.6 million in summer 2006, Yakubu Aiyegbeni for £11.25 million in summer 2007, and Marouane Fellaini for £15 million in September 2008. Mr Burnham replied, "No, no, no, as we all know high salaries are currently under review and it would be very unpopular to pay them in the public sector... just as it appears very unpopular to pay them in the financial sector. So let me say right here and right now: Those salaries will remain firmly and solely the preserve of the 'football sector'... where it would of course quite naturally be foolish for the government to legislate ootherwise."

Comments (22) | Permanent Link | Cosmos

Monday, August 17

The Name of the Pose

by deanludd on Mon 17 Aug 2009 06:17 PM BST

It is official. Lord Mandelson has another new title. Following on from his investiture as the First Lord of the Doors of Perception, Prime Minister Brown has revealed that he is from now on also to be known as 'The Tsar of all the Tsars'. It is thought that Peter Mandelson has for some weeks now been angling for a new title, since the others are nearing their sell-by dates. The 'Tsar' idea seemed a perfect solution in a modern Britain that calls everyone with any kind of influence 'Tsar'.

"We have toyed with a number of ideas such as 'Capo di tutti Capi' and 'The Boss of Bosses'," said the PM, "but we hit upon the idea that we needed a Tsar to oversee all the other Tsars that we intend to create before the next election. The term also sounds very British, I believe... at least in so far as the 19th Century Tsar of Russia was probably from the same womb as the King of England... or thereabouts."

Said Lord Mandelson tonight: "New Labour in modern Britain is about nothing if it is not about equality. One way of achieving this equality is by bringing back the concept of the Tsar, who as we all know was a kindly old man who loved his people and cared for them as a shepherd does his flock. No one could ever use the word 'Tsar' as a term of abuse, unless you think of Yekaterinburg where 'Old Labour' murdered the poor Tsar and his family."

Comments (17) | Permanent Link | Cosmos

The Surreality Race

by deanludd on Mon 17 Aug 2009 12:20 PM BST

When it comes to the surreality stakes this blog sometimes struggles to keep up with the government. Every time a piece is posted on, say, Bruno becoming the new 'Comedy Tsar', the government goes one better... and announces, as it has today, something like the news that Kerry McCarthy, the MP for Bristol East, is to be appointed the new 'Twitter Tsar'.

It seems that this latest Twitter announcement must be true - it appeared in today's Guardian newspaper. But it is very frustrating and seems astonishingly unsporting that anything this blog can spoof, Brown can spoof better. Is what we are witnessing simply a concerted effort by Brown, Mandelson and co. to put the satirists, surrealists, cynics and post-modernists of this nation out of business - permanently?

Well, all that you can do in such circumstances is try to steal a march by posting a range of dumb policies ahead of the government. So here goes.... This is what Brown should do next:

* Appoint a UFO Tsar - Keep people informed of the presence of little green men
* Appoint a Big Brother Tsar - To encourage ordinary citizens to understand the reality TV show and learn how to be rich and famous.
* Appoint an Xbox Tsar - spread understanding of video games consoles
* Make Nigella Lawson the new Cookery Tsar - to encourage ordinary people to cook more and bring more cleavage into the kitchen
* Elevate Simon Cowell to the Lords - So that he can discover new talent for the government.
* Get Arlene Philips of Strictly Come Dancing to teach Alistair Darling to do the tango.
* Ask Lembit Opik to bring more saucy women into the Westminster village
* Force people to wear solar panels
* Encourage people to love Lord Mandelson
* Encourage people to smile when they see Harriet Harman appear on the box
* Appoint a Tsar Tsar to oversee Tsars and make people understand why we need Tsars in the first place
* Win the next general election

Comments (11) | Permanent Link | Cosmos

Sunday, August 16

Treasure Island

by deanludd on Sun 16 Aug 2009 06:56 PM BST

Never let it be said that the business secretary Lord Barbarossa would forsake a friend in need. After a recent banquet with a high profile mogul, Edward Teach, aka 'Blackbeard', the noble Lord has asked his officials to draw up draconian regulations on internet piracy. This apparently comes as a surprise in some parts of Whitehall as, until the meeting with Blackbeard, Lord Barbarossa, had shown little interest in the digital agenda.

Blackbeard and Barbarossa have themselves from time to time been suspected of 'piracy' although it is acknowledged that this is likely to be the form that was made legal in 1967 by a British government official called Lord Wolfenden. However as two of the mightiest forces on the 'high seas' they are determined between them to stamp out all other forms of piracy that they themselves have not personally endorsed.

Lord Barbarossa has a fearsome reputation, and is certainly not a man to cross. It is claimed that he knows exactly what to do with a drunken sailor - and not just early in the morning. In fact the Sunday Times today claims that at a recent party the Lord compared himself to Lavrenti Beria, Joseph Stalin's Chief of Police, a ruthless man, much feared in Russia in his day.

Perhaps it is appropriate then that the Lord will assist his buccaneer friend in the coming months by drafting new legislation to fit the crime of 'file-sharing'. It should be all very straightforward... As Beria himself once quipped, "Show me the man, and I will show you the crime."

Pirates of the high seas take note.

Comments (14) | Permanent Link | Cosmos

Saturday, August 15

Labour and Tories to Cross Dress

by deanludd on Sat 15 Aug 2009 01:30 PM BST

George Osborne and Peter Mandelson have today scandalised Westminster by announcing that they are to engage in a spot of role play. Mr Osborne has told the Guardian newspaper this morning that a future Conservative government would target greed and profligacy in the City, acting to "curb pay excesses across the financial services industry."

Meanwhile, Lord Mandelson, who is already famous for the comment that he was "intensely relaxed about being filthy rich," has been busy this summer hanging out with the billionaires David Geffen, Nat Goldsmith and Oleg Deripaska who, so far as we can tell, are not known for thinking that the 'the means of production should be in the hands of the proletariat.'

Osborne and Mandelson have been bound by mutual admiration ever since Osborne commended the way in which Mandelson 'dripped poison' (about Gordon Brown). Similarly, the ex-grammar school boy Mandelson is thought to have been beguiled by Osborne's taste in Savile Row suits and his Harrow schooling - even though Osborne's Old Etonian boss is actually rumoured to regard Harrow as the place where 'oiks and poofters hang out'.

In a joint statement the two claimed: "Cross dressing is nothing new in politics. In fact there have been a great number of MPs who have been partial to the proverbial 'fishnet and suspenders'. And as the parties of the left and right have moved closer to the centre ground over recent years it now makes perfect sense to try on eachothers political clothing to see whether this might 'turn on' a few extra members of the electorate."

Concluding the meeting, George Osborne said: "Though cowards flinch and traitors sneer, we'll keep the red flag flying here." Lord Mandelson then followed up with: "This is simply, and nothing more than, a brief moment of transtextuality... designed to get us through the next election...

"And I would very much like to add that I am intensely relaxed about Trollope."

Comments (11) | Permanent Link | Cosmos

Friday, August 14

Catfighting to be legalised

by deanludd on Fri 14 Aug 2009 09:18 PM BST

Women have been given the green light to catfight. In a landmark ruling the international Olympic committee has given the go-ahead for women to be unpleasant to one another for the first time since a demonstration event at the St Louis games in 1904.

Women journalists in particular are breathing a sigh of relief at the ruling. It had been feared that the convention of 'sisterhood' might mean that women could only beat the shit out of men in future. But after a last minute intervention by the journalist Carole Malone, it was agreed that women could be nasty, spiteful and vicious to other women and also hit them with whatever implements might be at hand.

"Let's face it," said Alison Pearsson tonight. "The pen is mightier than the sword, but the stiletto is mightier still. And if you use all three you can really hurt your opponent without even worrying about whether you have to 'hit below the belt."

Julie Birch-all also had something to say: "Frankly, women are just men dressed as women, and I think that they deserve all they get. Personally I use neither pen nor sword but have perfected the art of the withering look... which some might say is somewhat dirty."

And Westminster babes joined the fray tonight as well. Harriet Harman the Minister for Women-have-the-right-to-kill-women claimed that this was a "small blow for womankind, a giant knock-out for women." The Minister for Babes went on, "I never thought I'd see the day where society had progressed to the point where everyone - men, women and children - have the right to be as nasty as they want to be to their fellow man, woman and child... This truly is equality in the making."

Comments (9) | Permanent Link | Cosmos

Cameron to 'ration' cabinet salaries

by deanludd on Fri 14 Aug 2009 04:59 PM BST

Hot on the heels of 'confirmed bachelor' Alan Duncan's outburst about 'living on rations', the Leader of the Opposition David Cameron has now been accused of discriminating against the privileged. His decision to cut front bench salaries has been declared 'plutophobic' by certain high profile figures on both sides of the house who are partial to a 'bit on the side' (outside earnings) and who like 'batting for the other team' (the private sector).

But Mr Cameron who is yet to come out of the closet when it comes to declaring his own appetites thinks that he might be able to improve his standing with the public if he takes the knife to his honourable members. At a stroke he would appease a public that wants MPs to feel some of the pain of the recession whilst also appearing to show concern for more junior members who feel that Mr Cameron failed to shield them throughout the expenses scandal.

But the Conservative leader has of course failed to factor in Mayor Boris Johnson, or Boris the Blond Bombshell, as he is known in Eton circles. Boris is already known to have claimed that his own income is 'chicken-feed' - which amongst plutosexuals is code for 'not getting enough.' Boris is well known for his voracious appetites and whilst not a Cabinet Member, he has on many occasions expressed his opposition to 'milking the rich'. Boris said today: "My background might indeed be somewhat privileged. Some people even call me a 'nob'. But one thing I do know is that we 'nobs' should stick together."

But a chastened Mr Cameron replied: "I remember Boris from my Eton days and in those days we did indeed swing together. But if Boris thinks that I am going to jeopardise our chances at the next election so that he can feed his chicken then he has another thing coming."

Comments (3) | Permanent Link | Cosmos

Thursday, August 13

A curse on both your hospitals

by deanludd on Thu 13 Aug 2009 08:47 PM BST

People seriously in need of medical help on both sides of the Atlantic have been proving just how serious they are about medical help by voicing their opinions on 'Twitter'. In the US, jocks who loathe free healthcare have been comparing the NHS to Bolivian death squads and the Lubyanka. They have posted tweets such as 'The NHS kills more people than it cures' and 'Being treated in a British hospital is like being tortured in the Gulag Archipelago' and 'Lenin was treated by the NHS and look where it got him.'

Meanwhile, in London the Prime Minister Gordon Brown has come out guns blazing by saying, "The NHS, it is quite nice. Honestly." And in a shock tweet tonight the Health Secretary, Andy Burnham, showed the depth of his feeling for free healthcare by tweeting that he loved the NHS about as much as Everton Football Club (which in some parts of Northern England is about as close as you are ever going to get to a witty riposte).

So will the battle for free healthcare really be won on the playing fields of Twitter? Will we seriously 'fight them on the internet' where once upon a time we would have fought them 'on the beaches'? And what hope have we when the men at the top and the men in grey suits and the bureaucrats and the management consultants and the PRs and the scumbag hangers-on now tell us: In soundbites we trust?

Maybe the last word (or last 'tweet') should be that of the wife of the British Prime Minister, herself a PR, who entered the fray this evening with this lofty meditation (quoted verbatim in actual fact):

"We love the NHS more than words can say."

With that level of profundity, who needs 'the beaches'?

Comments (22) | Permanent Link | Cosmos

Brownian Motion

by deanludd on Thu 13 Aug 2009 05:51 PM BST

Politicians of all parties are becoming rather excited about a research paper published by a team from Hong Kong University and Fudan University in Shanghai that suggests that 'invisible gateways' like the one in Harry Potter, are becoming a step closer to reality. With the help of a technique known as transformation optics, the research team has found a way to alter the pathway of light waves that could eventually allow them to develop portals that are invisible to the human eye.

Published in the New Journal of Physics this month, the article offers new hope that touchy political subjects such as government debt, MPs expenses, 'mission creep' and state surveillance could yet be hidden from the public gaze. Since the time when the government of Gordon Brown was caught massaging public debt figures by employing 'off-balance sheet' accounting, and since the time when excessive expense claims put in by MPs were uncovered thanks to the Freedom of Information act, the Westminster Pillage has been seeking new ways to hide its racketeering and extortion.

Gordon Brown said today, "New Labour always has been and always will be very excited about the way in which physics can benefit politics, and in particular government, of course. We realised early on that the modern computer would be useful to us in the monitoring and guidance of our citizens. But as spin and illusion move into the Twenty First Century and as science increasingly becomes a tool of public relations - look at swine flu, for example - we firmly believe that these worthy physicists can have a role to play in giving people, let's say, a better vision, a more positive vision... the kind of vision that will allow them to see the light... or, of course, to see the lack of light... whichever the case may be."

"As Albert Einstein himself noted, E=MC Squared... Or to put it another way, 'Electioneering equals Manipulation times Chicanery to the power of two (the two being me and the Dark Lord, Peter Voldemort, of course.)"

Comments (3) | Permanent Link | Cosmos

Monday, August 10

The Ministry of Insight

by deanludd on Mon 10 Aug 2009 09:31 AM BST

The man with the longest moniker in the United Kingdom - First Secretary of State for Narrative, Secretary of State for Prisms, and Lord President of the Doors of Perception – Peter Mandelson has been defending the government record on surveillance.

In a rare moment of modesty, Mr Mandelson was trying to downplay the UK’s outstanding record on state and local authority sponsored surveillance. It has recently emerged that the United Kingdom is at the cutting edge of this activity, with one in 78 adults coming under state sanctioned monitoring last year. A total of 653 state bodies, including 474 local councils, are allowed to use surveillance powers.

Lord Mandelson said in his trademark hushed but vibrant tones: “This is no time for conceit or vanity. Yes, Britain is a world class player when it comes to snooping on its own citizens, but we are not yet in the 'premier league'. Remember, the Stasi created a state where neighbour spied upon neighbour, where family spied upon family. What is more, we really must not be smug, when so many journalists, MPs and even ordinary citizens are aware of the level of surveillance that is undertaken.”

“We will never really have achieved our goal until every man, woman and child understands that there is no way of knowing whether they are being watched at any given moment, and that the idea of comprehending how often, or on what system, the government plugs in on them is complete guesswork. So let’s face it, we are not there yet... for a start you journalists would not be asking me these silly questions were we to be.”

When he was finally asked why he was so concerned about the ‘conceit and vanity’ angles related to this activity, Lord Mandelson sighed and said, “Some people, I am afraid, think that I am conceited and that I am vain… that I appear smug about the ‘empire’ that I have built for myself and the influence that I enjoy within Cabinet. But let me just say this: vain I might be, but do not be in any doubt, I for one will be staying firmly on this side of the looking glass.”

Comments (19) | Permanent Link | Cosmos

Sunday, August 9

Brown to elevate Bruno

by deanludd on Sun 09 Aug 2009 10:09 PM BST

It is rumoured that Prime Minister Gordon Brown is set to elevate the comedian Sacha Baron Cohen to the Lords and appoint him as his new ‘Comedy Tsar’. Mr. Brown has been aware for some time that the current Cabinet is looking rather glum. And he himself has been told on many occasions that whenever he tries to smile people are terrified that he is going to retch.

One advantage of the appointment, it is thought, is the title that Cohen will take upon elevation. Instead of becoming a real Baron, he will instead juggle his names and become Baron Sacha Cohen. This also sounds a lot better than the other idea that had originally been offered, which was for him to become Baron Sacha Baron Cohen… which sounds stupid.

Brown hopes that with the addition of Baron Cohen, the Cabinet will get a three in one comedy act – Ali G, Borat and Bruno – effectively, three comedy Tsars for the price of one. Cohen is still negotiating the complete title, although Brown is thought to have ruled out Baron Cohen of Kazakstan on the grounds of political correctness. Another idea being put about is Baron Bruno of Haberdashers Askes (Cohen’s old school), although Cohen is thought to have stated that the Haberdashers are so last season.

The Prime Minister has, quite naturally, had to deny that the whole ‘Elevation of Bruno' affair is just another one of Baron Cohen’s classic ‘sting’ operations. The comedian who is considered to have burnt all his bridges over recent years is suspected of wanting to take one last pop… and this time at the man at the top.

But the PM stated this afternoon in a mild Kazak accent: “Yes, but it’s very nice. It is a… nice… My friend, my friend, Borat did not approach me on this occasion. I approach him. It is clear that my comedian friend is shit out of characters to play and of people to wind up… and the government of Gordon Brown is shit out of merriment and laughter and gaiety. So it makes perfect sense for Mr. Baron Baron Cohen to inject a little bit of humour into government, whilst also undertaking a role – the Comedy Tsar – which will allow people to start taking him seriously…

"...For the first time in his life...”

Comments (5) | Permanent Link | Cosmos

Saturday, August 8

Cabinet Row over the ‘Means of Manipulation’

by deanludd on Sat 08 Aug 2009 09:46 AM BST
A row has broken out over whether the ‘Means of Manipulation’ resides in the hands of the proletariat, the hands of the Labour Government or the hands of one man (and his holiday buddies).

The whole world and his aunt knows by now about the long running feud that exists between ‘the people’ on one hand and the (Labour) Government on the other over who really controls the ‘Means of Production.’ Some have long argued that although the ‘Means of Production’ is supposedly controlled by the government on behalf of the people, in reality the government (AKA ‘the guys running the show’) does what ever the hell it likes with the 'Means of Production' on a day to day basis, because it knows best and damn anyone who thinks otherwise.

But a new light has been cast on this mainstream perspective since the summertime row erupted over who currently controls the ‘Means of Manipulation’. Since PM Brown went away on holiday, his right hand woman, Harriet 'The Firebrand' Harman has been trying to ‘set the agenda’ with announcements on women’s initiatives and ‘equality blitzes’. But now that Peter ‘The Manager’ Mandelson has taken over the reins there are fears that he will start spinning with all the zeal and all the passion of a French Revolutionary ‘Tricoteuse’.

So here is the question: Since we all know that the government of the people by the people for the people is the only justification for government in the first place, and since we also know that the ‘guy currently running the country’ is holed up on a comfortable yacht in Corfu, in the company of a couple of billionaires and a Russian oligarch, and since we also surely know that the ‘Means of Manipulation’ should only ever, ever be in the hands of the people… in whom (in whom the hell) should we, the British people, be currently putting our trust?

In God, probably.

Comments (12) | Permanent Link | Cosmos

McKeith to host Celebrity You Are What You Crap

by deanludd on Sat 08 Aug 2009 07:58 AM BST

Rumours are circulating that Pop-Doc, and Holistic Therapist, Gillian McKeith is to host a new ‘You are what you eat’ special that will analyse the excrement of a range of celebrities and other high profile figures. Following on from the success of the BBC’s ‘Who do you think you are?’ which showed celebs in tears as they studied their, often sorry, ancestries, McKeith believes that she could similarly have celebs in tears as she analyses their somewhat malodorous faeces.

“I have often wanted to take a peek at the shit that comes out of members of the cabinet and shadow cabinet,” reveals McKeith. “I have often conjectured that ‘long-lunchers’ such as John Prescott and Sir Nicholas Soames must have fascinating poo. And let’s face it is not just the case that you are what eat,” continued the plucky Scottish Doc, “Indeed you could even say that you are what you sheet, if you don’t mind ma' saying.”

Until now Doctor McKeith, who is alleged to have obtained her Doctorate through a Twitter correspondence course, has studied the faecal matter of a range of predominantly unknowns. These ‘lab-rats’ are often glumly told by the officious Doc that their stools are not up to scratch. But the cunning Miss McKeith has now hit upon the idea that members of the public would love to see high profile figures being given the McKeith treatment. And in a day and age where every reality TV show will inevitably end up being given a ‘celebrity makeover’ it made perfect sense to 'go celeb' with ‘You are what you eat.’

“Let’s face it.” She says. “What could be more appealing than seeing the likes of Jeremy Paxman or Toby Young or Germaine Greer being given the ultimatum: “Either eat more wheat grass and beetroot juice, ma friend, or carry on producing those reeking, humming stools. The choice is yours.”

Comments (3) | Permanent Link | Cosmos

Friday, August 7

Dial S for Service

by deanludd on Fri 07 Aug 2009 09:38 AM BST

There are serious concerns tonight as to whether society can really continue functioning. Following on from Thursday’s ‘denial of service’ attacks against the critical internet utilities, Defaced-Book, Litter and Go Ogle, web watchers are left wondering what would happen if the ‘outages’ experienced this week were to continue for longer periods of time… or perhaps even indefinitely.

Litter was knocked down by a malicious attack that prevented people from accessing the micro-blogging service for several hours. Defacebook members saw delays logging in and posting to their online profiles. And Go Ogle strenuously had to fight off an attack using its muscular defence systems. Speculation swirled on the Internet that other social networking sites had also come under attack.

“Let us be in no doubt,” stated a Litter executive robustly. “An ‘outage’ is an ‘outrage’! The way society now functions means that ordinary citizens – that’s you and me folks – have the right to expect uninterrupted access to social networking, to micro-blogs and to everything that the World Wide Web has to offer. People expect to be able to connect and communicate – and that means communicate anything and everything, and at any hour of the day or night. People need to share and to receive critical information, they need to broadcast to their 'followers' expressions of such profundity as ‘I’ve just eaten exquisitely at a chic vegan restaurant in Pacific Heights – even the caviar was tofu! Will broadcast the recipe L8r.”

If these malicious hackers threaten the rights of the ordinary citizen to communicate this way, then the world as we know it will come crumbling down around us. Let us the citizens of the internet together ensure that the communication of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth… And if we the website owners can no longer run these networking sites as profitable enterprises because of these continued denial of service attacks, then there shall no longer be any point in us running them at all… and so they goddam will perish from this earth. Got that?”

Comments (5) | Permanent Link | Cosmos

Thursday, August 6

Five Year Bubble

by deanludd on Thu 06 Aug 2009 09:16 PM BST

A series of positive figures in the housing, manufacturing and service sectors published yesterday have led the government to speculate that the downturn might almost be at an end. House prices are up for the second month in a row, manufacturing output rose and the service sector reported the strongest growth spurt for 17 months.

In a bold move, The Bank of England today voted to pump an extra £50 billion into the markets over three months - a rate of over half a billion pounds a day - a clear sign, if ever one was needed that the government now thinks that the time might be right to plan for the next great credit boom.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown has asked Chancellor Alistair Darling to draw up a new Five Year Plan. It is hoped that the latest Five Year Bubble, as it is being called, will effectively offer the people of Great Britain the semblance of a stable economy and the suggestion of activity (that is, economic activity) ‘for activity’s sake’. This will take the country through the next general election and beyond.

The Chancellor explained: “We realise that in a mature economy it is often the case that confidence is maintained as much by business appearing to be done as it is by business actually being done. If we follow the example of the investment banking community, it is obvious that the wealth of nations is ‘flow dependent’. This means that the more money that flows, the more people are actively earning commission of one kind or another by actually handling this money flow. Those earnings they can then spend… thereby boosting the economy as a whole. This is what we call trickle down, which means that if we force enough money to flow around the economy some of it will end up trickling down through and reviving that economy... somewhere down the line… we hope."

A spokesman for the Bank of England today offered a slightly different perspective however: “We prefer to call this ‘Shit Stick’. Some people honestly believe that if you throw enough shit at some thing, any thing... it doesn't matter what... some of it, some of that shit, will inevitably, eventually… stick.”

Comments (7) | Permanent Link | Cosmos

No comments:

Post a Comment