Love me love my bonus

Hello, my name is Robert and I am the CEO of the Royal Bank of Short and Curlies (RBSC). I have come here today to explain to you how bonuses work - for those of you who don't already know!

What happens is that you deposit your hard earned cash in something known as a bank account. We take your money and then invest it - and keep on investing it - until it's all gone. We do this by creating innovative investment vehicles called credit derivatives, that make you think that we are investing your money wisely. But these vehicles are so scientifically advanced that they generate what scientists call "black holes". These black holes make your money disappear without a trace. Clever, eh?

What we do next is even smarter. We now appeal to your "taxpayer instincts" and tell you that if you ever want to see your money again, then you better bail us out. You, being the wise and generous fellows that you are comply with our demands, handing over good money after bad. We then invest this new bailout money by placing it in what we call "bonus pools" which allow us to pay ourselves large bonuses.

It is therefore sad, I have to say, to discover that some of you taxpayers are unhappy with this arrangement. We have to make it clear that if you hinder us from paying ourselves these large bonuses, we will move to Shanghai. Then you'll never ever see your money again. This is what's called being Shanghaied. And it only occurs because we have you by the proverbial short and curlies.

Look at it this way: Imagine you allowed your entire food supply, your medical supplies, your right to breathe oxygen, your right to have sex, controlled by one group of very well paid people. Now imagine those people went bankrupt and told you that if you didn't pay them lots of money, they would move to Shanghai and you  could whistle for your food, your medicine, your oxygen and your sex. What would you do? Damn right! You would hand over the moolah pretty pronto. Am I right or am I right?

Well, that's what happens when you allow your money supply to be controlled by a small group of very well paid people. If you don't keep paying that fine group of men and women large amounts of money - or bonuses - you can say bye bye to your money supply. (That rhymes - I must be a poet!)

So please, please, please stop complaining about these bonuses of ours. You know it won't get you anywhere. You have to pay up. You have no choice. Do you really want us to go elsewhere and inflict our lovely credit derivatives on the other nations and the other peoples of this world? No! Of course you don't. It would be sheer madness to want that.

So, in the words of our great hero, our guru, our spiritual leader, one Delboy Trotter - he of "Only Fools and Horses" fame - "You know it makes sense."

Or else, remember the words of my great poem...

 "You're gonna kiss bye bye
 To your money supply.
 Just say bye bye
To that money supply!"

The End of the Beginning of History

Distinguished academic, Professor Fukyu-karma responds to criticism that, in 2011, his thesis "The End of History" looks more than ever like it was essentially a pipe dream:-

"Okay, guys. I know what you're going to say. The End of History repeated itself, first as tragedy after 911, then as farce after the economic meltdown of 2008.

"You'll say I didn't take into account the power of ethnic loyalties and religious fundamentalism as a counter-force to the spread of liberal democracy. That's the tragedy, right? You'll say I didn't foresee that the economic meltdown of 2008 would leave neo-liberal democracies weak in the face of the nascent economic and political powers of China and Russia that prefer more authoritarian approach to capitalism. That's the farce, right?

"But I say that lots of people never really understand my thesis in the first place. And some of those who did "understand" - but now reject it - weren't real neo-cons anyway. They were crypto-cons, pseudo-cons, also-cons and also-rans. They just were pretending that they like my theory for their own particular ends, but they never really take it on board. They just thought it useful at the time because it help them get things they want, like power, like global influence, like money. And how neo-liberal is that? Right, guys?

"But none of that was what I was talking about at the time. I was talking about the end of history being in the making - not that the end of history was actually ended as in over. I was saying it was an end more as in the end game. And remember folks: The end of history, like Rome, wasn't built in a day! You can believe it!!!

"And whilst I accept that Iran isn't going to embrace neo-liberalism any time soon, and whilst I accept that Iraq and Afghanistan will end up as theocracies and whilst I accept that South and Central American people (like Chavez, like the Zapatistas etc) have yet to take neo-liberalism totally to their bosoms, and whilst I accept that Pakistan and Saudi Arabia aren't exactly showing a keenness for it either right now, and whilst I accept that Russia and China have a tendency to lock up opponents of the government and exercise a rather authoritarian form of capitalism... apart from all that... was it not indeed great, when at the Beijing Olympics, President Hu Jintao talked about democracy? He actually mentioned it. Democracy! Okay, he hasn't mentioned it again since. But it's a start, isn't it? Surely, it is a clear sign that "the times they are a changin'." Isn't it?

"So now I conclude by stating the following: This might not be "the end of history" as some suggested; this indeed might not be the beginning of the end of history... But, well... at least it could be the end of the beginning of history.

"Or something.

"Right guys? Help me out here!"

Total Recall

Peace on earth, goodwill to men...

... especially...

- The bankers who, having shattered Western economies, graciously accepted taxpayer largesse, then threatened to abandon these shores were they to be deprived their seasonal bonuses.

- The tax avoiders, who took their billions off-shore, but who were still deemed indispensable to the nation.

- The pharmaceutical philanthropists who, a year ago, generously offered us Tamiflu at the knockdown price of £2 Billion. How comforting it has been to us all this Christmas.

- The politicians, who, in recent years proved you can give something back to society whilst lining your pockets.

- The Local Authorities and the public sector workers who used council tax revenues to snoop on the very citizens that had provided those revenues... Where would we be without the bin-snoops, the poop squad etc? RIP, eh?

- The celebs who allowed us to put all our troubles away. Who needs democracy, when you can vote contestants off Strictly Come Dancing or the X-Factor at the touch of a (telephone) button?

- The media that demonstrated you can be a lover of leaks and a hater of leaks at the same time. All that counts is whether you love... or you hate... the leaker.

- Avatar - the movie full of weird blue faced people that suggested we are all, at heart, avatars. All we need to know now, is, who's providing the animation?

- The Pope who visited Britain in Autumn 2010 and reminded us that Christ cast the moneylenders out of the temple. That was the Pope's message, wasn't it, surely? That's why he came here... Right?

THE TOP TEN OF 2010!

1) Leak! Cameron-Clegg Pact!

2) General Election - "We love you!"

3) Where's the money gone? 
 
4) Fallen Guardian

5) Trouble at Milburn

6) Information Super Highway Men

7) Election Debate - The Director's Cut

8) Prime Minister Brown says: “I told you so.”

9) Waterstoned

10) Quantitative Sleazing

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Are you tired of this "paranoid chic" everyone's talking about? When you get up, do you really want to read what some obscure diplomat said to a State Department official ten years ago? Don't you deserve something better, something cheerier, something that's more fun as you tuck into your morning - or your evening -cornflakes? Isn't it time media started focusing on the things you really care about - things like reality TV, for example?

Well, wait no more. The solution's here. It's not "paranoid chic", ladies and gents. This is called "moronic chic". And you don't need to be thick and working class to embrace it. You see, word on the block is, even the Oxbridge educated bourgeoisie can't get enough of this phenomenon - though there are some who say they should know better. But who am I, you or anyone else to suggest, just because you got a BA Oxon, you should only watch David Starkey or Jeremy Paxman on BBC2? Why shouldn't all you educated people take Simon Cowell into your hearts? Why can't you too spend some time being vacuous after a hard day at the office?


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Find out: -

- The erotic thoughts passing through Ann Widdecombe's head as she flails around on Strictly Come Dancing.

- What Simon Cowell really thinks about quantitative easing

- Does Jedward really have only one brain between them?

- Is Cheryl Cole as thick as she sounds, or does she have an interest in astrophysics as she claims?

- Will Julian Assange appear on the next series of I'm a Celebrity?

- Is Gillian McKeith tired of examining poo?

- When Lord Sugar tells contestants on The Apprentice, "You're Fired" is he actually thinking: "Who'd want to work for me anyway?"

- Is Britain's decline fueled by the "squeezed" charm of the bourgeoisie

Who gives a toss about any of these question? The answer is YOU DO!

So why waste your brain power on the big issues, the big questions of the day? Why worry about where we're heading - or whether the globalisation model is broken? Why give a damn about how the rest of the world views this country, obsessed as it is with the banal, the vacuous and the mundane? Why not simply snuggle up on the sofa with your "bread and circuses" and put all your troubles away.

Think not: Wikileaks. Think: Chicileaks

Chicileaks - where moronic chic is the order of the day!

More student protests

"What do we want?"

"NO tuition fees."

"When don't we want them?"

"NOW!"

"When'll we protest?"

"NOW!"

"When won't we protest?"

"Over the past twelve years since tuition fees were introduced!"

Asterix regained

First, James Naughtie mentioned the word. An hour later, Start the Week's Andrew Marr uttered it as the panel discussed Proust and Freud. Soon all hell broke loose and the BBC was forced to apologise for its inappropriate use of language.

This website subsequently reported these "spoonerisms" but later drew criticism because it failed to use any asterisks. Apparently it is normal practice when using the c-word to substitute an asterisk for one, possibly two of the letters.

From now on we will do our best to moderate the use of the c-word - and other profanities, for that matter - through the rigorous application of one or more asterisks. We will do so even when quoting the BBC, which these days tends to favour the c-word in all its glory.

There will be no "cunt*" on this website.

Many a slip between cunt and lip

The BBC was accused of sexism today when Scottish presenter, James Naughtie called a government minister a cunt. The error occured on the flagship programme this morning as the veteran presenter interviewed "cunture secretary", Jeremy Hunt. He made frequent use of the four letter word, although he later denied this betrayed any political allegiances

The BBC apologised this afternoon saying: "Whilst we totally endorse the use of the word cunt on the Today programme, as it frequently appears in the OED, we readily accept that it's use on this occasion was unacceptable, as it could be deemed to have sexist overtones. We will of course ensure that from now on male government ministers are referred to as cocks."

Plumber saves Western economies

Whilst some may remember a massive credit bubble that ultimately tipped Western economies into a collapse of unparalleled proportions, others will recall a Prime Minister who saved the world at the height of the crisis when he persuaded world leaders at the G20 summit in Pittsburgh to join a rescue mission.

Following on from that success, that same Prime Minister will this week see the release of his book entitled "Beyond the Crash: Overcoming the First Crisis of Globalisation".

Some of course will doubt he's qualified to offer such advice in light of the economic climate he allowed to develop during the "Noughties". And others, again, will point to the fact that he led the way out of this crisis through his resolute actions at the summit.

We asked a plumber to give his take on what actually happened:-

"Well, way I see, guv'nor, is it's like this: You call in a plumber to sort out the pipes and the boiler on your central heating system. Right? And this bloke ends up bursting the pipes, flooding your entire house, and almost recking all your possessions. Know what I mean?

"Then he turns round like and says to you - 'well at least I found the stopcock and managed to turn the water off, didn't I guv'nor? So in that respect, I stepped in just at the right time to stop even greater carnage."

"Then, just before he leaves, the geyser what owns the home asks: 'So, what's the damage?' And the plumber turns round and replies: 'Oh, that'll be one trillion quid please... and preferably in cash if you got it. Know what I mean, guv'nor?'

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Are you tired of "information in the public domain" that's quite frankly yesterday's news? Do you feel let down just knowing those darned leaks are, when all is said and done, available to everybody - your bank manager, grandmother, broker, your local shop-keeper? Do you feel pissed off when you realise what you're reading happened an eternity ago, when the people making the decisions already made those decisions and have now moved on?

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- Gamble on who's going to stage major sporting events like the 2018 World Cup, before all those sleazy officials get on the phone to their families and tell them where to place their bets.

- Know what your associates, your work colleagues, your politicians, your local stasi think about you and your way of life, your affiliations, your Internet habits.

- Vote for your politicians on the basis of what they're really saying, not what they're hiding.


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Back to school

Moves are underway to teach students the basic meaning of contract. Understandable disquiet at the rise in tuition fees has of late been cast as an example of broken promises by the LibsDems. Whilst the party did indeed oppose a rise in tuition fees before the election, this was based on an understanding that it could or would be the sole party of government. Since the LibDems did not become the sole party of government - and students supporting them did not expect them to be either - then their current support for the rise in tuition fees does not constitute a broken promise.

Or, put in the simple language so beloved by academics and Sir Humphreys alike: Opposition to a rise in tuition fees was predicated upon the eventuality of the LibDems becoming the sole party of government. The subsequent formation of a coalition with the Conservatives superseded the guarantees extended prior to the election. etc etc

(More on this as it breaks...)

Taking a leak

Information is power. How often have we heard that? If it's true, then leaks are power diluted. But whose power, and whose information are we talking about here? When is it acceptable for information to enter the public domain, and when not? Is it, frankly, all about perception?

Today, we ask a taxing but, some might say, pertinent question: When is a leak not a leak? Or rather, when is your information my information, my information your information?

Here are one or two examples that'll help guide us through this informational conundrum...

Discretion - "Not in front of the children." Timeless! This occurs when couples discuss who they're shagging on the side. It could be a case of: "I only slept with Doris when I discovered you were screwing your personal trainer, darling." It makes sense to keep these discussions out of earshot of interested parties - if only because they won't stay interested for long, and might start testing the waters themselves.

Marketing - Never tick the box that says: "Yes I'd like my personal information to be distributed to affiliate companies." It'll simply encourage those companies to contact you by phone, Internet or junk mail.

Social Networking - Yep. It's not a good idea to sign up to websites that record personal data (though, hundreds of millions of gullible fools do precisely that). We know this data might be turned to all kinds of unscrupulous ends, like, contacting you by phone, Internet or junk mail. This data might also be passed on to "government agencies" that'll use them for their own, clearly, benign purposes.

Kiss and Tell - When is it okay for information to be out in the public domain, courtesy of someone who slept with someone famous? When, of course, it relates to a celeb, a pop star, footballer, or even, God forbid, a politician! Information like this, concerning public figures - or public bodies for that matter! - has to be revealed, if only to counter the twisted, manipulative garbage that PRs put out about their clients' own perfect, charitable and pristine lives (Malaria, racketeering etc. notwithstanding).

Information designed to mislead and manipulate (cf. kiss and tell, above) - Examples? A politician claims to be giving something back to society, when he's actually taking backhanders. Or a starlet presents a semblance of purity and chastity, when in fact she's shagging her crack dealer. However this kind of misinformation hardly ever occurs in reality because, as we know, ALL public figures are beautiful, benign, sublime, radically gorgeous individuals who only achieve success through hard work, good deeds, clean living and a heartfelt desire to help others (shallowness, vulgarity, ruthlessness, tax avoidance, suspect expenses claims, serious drugs and alcohol misuse notwithstanding).

Databases - Government of the people by the people for the people should never lose sight of the need to control the information of the people by the government for the government. What's the point of government otherwise?

Taking the piss - This occurs when those not authorised to control certain types of information leak that information to those not authorised to be a party to it (i.e. the people). We all know the saying, don't we boys and girls? "Those who can, do. Those who can't... leak?"

Don't we?