Nobel politics prize

The Nobel committee has been justifying its bold decision to award the 2009 peace prize to Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. There was a lot of scepticism about giving the prize to a man who has long harboured nuclear ambitions and who has done more than any former Iranian leader to further the country's nuclear capabilities. But the committee claims that its decision was based on sound reasoning.

First, this is the inaugural award ceremony for the new chair of committee, Thorbjorn Jagland, and it is thought that he wanted to 'kick off with a bang'. Clearly it was not that inspired, at his first ceremony, to award the prize to someone with a track record - as the committee did with former laureates Jimmy Carter and IAEA chief Mohamed ElBaradei. Much better to be bold and enterprising, even controversial. Now the world knows, the man on everyones lips is Thorbjorn Jagland.

Second, the committee was aware of its duty to tell the world what to do and how to go about doing it. "When you are awarding the most prestigious prize that the world has ever known, it is always wise to do so in a way that encourages the others, as it were. We quite literally have world statesmen banging on our door every day, on their hands and knees, begging to be awarded the prize. But we know that we, on the committee, are the custodians of world peace. We know that we can change the world if we want to. This prize is precious. And we must hand it to someone who will value it, cherish it, be affected by it. Receiving the prize should be a life changing event. And now that we have awarded it to President Ahmadinejad, we will be able to shape Iranian foreign policy for years to come. And that is of course a good thing. You see, to a great extent our job is about perception and the shaping of perception."

In a separate development there are plans to award a posthumous peace prize to Genghis Khan, who did so much to influence world history. "By our actions we hope that his fame, fortune and power will henceforth only be associated with the good, more peaceful aspects of his life and that people will stop commemorating the less salubrious side that included widescale slaughter and destruction. And just to reiterate, our job is about perception and the shaping of perception."

Warlords, take note.
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The state of the state

In a series of bold and radical initiatives, a Conservative government will allow ordinary citizens to set up and run the kind of local services that they have always expected the state to provide for them. Gone will be the days where parents spend endless evenings in autumn queuing outside the best state schools in the borough or crowding into the pews at the local church, desperate for a place at the 'faith school'.

Every parent in the land will now spend their evenings negotiating with the private firms who will help them run their own schools and arguing with other parents about educational policy. Under Conservative plans all schools will be allowed to opt out of state control and be run independently by sponsors such as parent groups. Private companies will be allowed to charge a 'management fee' for running these schools.

Whilst the aims are laudable in terms of offering greater control over their childrens' education and less dependency upon the state, it is hard to see them helping the lot of these already hard pressed parents. Most do indeed expect the state to be answerable to them (as opposed to the other way round) but they simply want what government has promised them all along, as it grabs their taxes: Better schools. Do they really want DIY instead?

The Conservatives are currently faced with the dilemma of reducing the role of the state whilst holding on to the sacred cows that the state established in the first place. They intend to guarantee the NHS and Sure Start, the 50p income tax rate and the minimum wage. The approach to education is well-intentioned but then... Ah! If only every school could be like Eton.

Many would agree that 'statism' and big government have become an issue over recent years, even that the state has become far too intrusive. But quite how one handles the issue is really the question. If they fail to comprehend the ramifications of their new political 'cross-dressing' then - to borrow from PJ O' Rourke - the Conservatives will end up the party that says that the state doesn't work and then get elected and prove it.

Bullingdon conference update

A member of the Conservative party has been arrested after he stole a 150 pound bottle of champagne from the Midland Hotel in Manchester. Police detained him overnight and released him the following morning without charge.

In his defence he claimed that his behaviour was in keeping with the spirit of the 'Bullingdon Club' to which the party leader, David Cameron, the Shadow Chancellor, George Osborne and Conservative Mayor, Boris Johnson all belonged in the 1980s. In fact had police not interrupted him when they did, he had fully intended to swing on chandeliers, trash hotel rooms and debag other party members.

Elsewhere, the Bullingdon is overshadowing Conservative plans in Europe. It has been alleged that members of the ultra-nationalist Fatherland and Freedom party are having second thoughts about aligning themselves with the Conservatives after they learnt about the former antics of its high command.

Their leader Roberts Zile who has been a Tory guest in Manchester this week was appalled when confronted with the details of some of its episodes. The worst amongst these was the night when Bullingdon members smashed almost all the glass of the lights and 468 windows in Peckwater Quad of Christ Church, along with the blinds and doors of the building.

As Zile walked away from gathering journalists he muttered under his breath: "They sound like a bunch of Waffen-SS thugs to me."

Hurray for the public sector

A group of public sector workers have breathed a collective sigh of relief over the fact that they will escape Conservative, and most likely Labour plans for a pay freeze. Shadow Chancellor, George Osborne had suggested at the Conservative party conference that when it came to a public sector pay freeze, "We're all in this together." However it looks as though one group of public employees is likely to escape the freeze.

In autumn 2008, in the midst of the financial crisis, the Government took what ended up being a 70% stake in RBS. As market commentators claimed at the time, RBS was nationalised in all but name. Overnight a large number of 'big swinging dicks' became 'big public swinging dicks'. Apart from the fact that they now sounded rather like people who exposed themselves in public, it also meant that they were effectively public sector employees.

The implications of this were horrendous, not least because many of them thought that they would have to do things like join a union and fraternise with civil servants, council officials and social workers.

It then dawned on them that this government, and future governments might also consider themselves entitled to treat these 'big dicks' as subject to the same guidelines on pay as public employees - with all that that would then imply for pay restraint.

But they can rest easy. Chancellor Darling and Shadow Chancellor Osborne have no plans to restrict the pay of these particular public sector employees, even less actually to get involved in the pay negotiations themselves. We must remember, banks like RBS might well be nationalised in all but name but when it comes to pay that name makes a big swinging difference.

Happy days are here again...

Good news on the housing front: Halifax Building Society has recorded a 1.6% increase in house prices for September and says that they have now risen in five monthly periods since the beginning of 2009. There are now serious hopes of a return to the bubble that sadly ended in 2008.

House prices have risen overall by 1.7% during 2009, reducing the previous 10% year on year fall to a mere 7.4%. Over recent months, Nationwide figures have been even more optimistic than those of the Halifax, suggesting that further rises are feasible and increasing hopes that the 'bubble is back'.

A building society spokesman said: If Gordon Brown can pressure the Bank of England to keep interest rates at an all time low and ignore the inflationary effects of future prices rises as he did last time round, then there is a good chance that we can return to the heady days of 2007, when it was Champagne and bonuses all round and everyone sailed majestically towards the glorious abyss of 2008.

The government has duly confirmed that since there is a General Election next year it would make perfect sense for people to focus on positive issues such as economic recovery and their own asset wealth. "When people realise once again that they can ignore ballooning credit card debt because it is dwarfed by recent house price rises, they will know that they are on to a good thing with Labour."

Emin, great!

The government is currently considering a whole new raft of legislation that it hopes will irritate 'conceptual artist' Tracey Emin. The plan by the Treasury to raise the top rate of tax to 50% has been tremendously popular because it has led to the artist threatening to quit Britain. Some are now wondering whether the government should go further and create a new round of legislation that will effectively 'seal the deal'.

Emin, whose masterpieces include an un-made bed complete with dirty knickers, and a tent with the names of her lovers stitched into it, is considered in some quarters to have been grossly overpaid for what she has contributed to culture. Some have therefore advised her to keep schtum and not remind everyone that her efforts have made her a millionaire. Others have simply cheered at the prospect of her leaving Britain, just as they did when Andrew Lloyd Webber threatened to leave in 1997.

But Emin maintains that she is so disgusted that her bountiful earnings are to be taxed at 50% that she has considered moving to Provence where many former artists have lived and worked. And indeed it is mind blowing to think what Emin might be able to do with a sunflower, in the light of her previous efforts with inanimate objects.

Emin said that the government has failed to grasp the importance of the creative industries, especially of her brand of conceptual art. "At least in France they understand artists, and have traditionally helped them out."

However when the French government was questioned on the issue of Emin coming to France, a spokesman for the French Treasury replied that they were now considering a whole raft of emergency legislation that would ensure that the artist remained firmly on this side of the channel.

Westenders

Eastenders star Boris Johnson has shown how versatile he is by turning up at county hall dressed as the Mayor of London. The actor, commonly referred to as 'The Bullingdon Buffoon' arrived with the Mayor's trademark cat, claiming to searching for the 'Pantomime King Newt' otherwise known as 'Mr. Livingstone'.

It had been thought that Johnson, who has a reputation for bawdy, boisterous behaviour would not touch serious roles like politicians or officials. But years of being typecasts in soaps such as Eastenders has left him feeling that his career is going nowhere. Hence the deal with the BBC whereby he was allowed to play the part of Mayor, Dick Whittington.

It is alleged that Boris was also encouraged to take on this role by his fellow old Etonian thesp, Daffy Dave Cameron who is currently lining himself up for the part of 'Prime Minister' in the upcoming 'General Election'. As with Johnson, some have similarly doubted Cameron's suitability for such a serious role. But the incumbent, Gordon Brown has failed to dazzle during his term and it is thought that his contract will not be renewed next year.

Exclusive - Cameron conference speech leaked!

Dear Mr. Murdoch, Sir.
I would like to say how grateful I am that you have decided to support the Conservative Party. I have always been a big admirer of yours and have always enjoyed reading your really excellent papers, especially the one where the women show their protuberances.
I promise you that I will not let you down. I will do all of those of things that those fibbers and cheats in the Labour Party said that they would do but did not do. I will follow whatever you say on Europe and I assure you that I will not pass any laws that upset business people like yourself.
I will not behave like a toffee-nosed, arrogant public school boy but will understand the needs and aspirations of the common folk and help them to watch your television channels even more regularly than they already do.
I will listen to all your representatives on earth such as the journalists that you employ. And I will help the poor people in the BBC and ITV who wish that you could own their companies so that they could work for your good self. And I hope that if and whenever this happens, that they can start making really good programmes like the ones that you see nowadays on Sky TV
I will allow you to clean up those last bastions of restrictive practices in the media... In actual fact, I will quite simply let you... 'clean up'.
I will always remain your humble servant.
Yours very, very faithfully,
Dave
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Rehash Brown's

Gordon Brown's Policy Points Dissected:-

- A strategy to tackle anti social behaviour - "We reduced crime by reclassifying much of it as 'anti-social behaviour'. Now we shall reduce anti-social behaviour by reclassifying much of it as 'unruly behaviour'."
- No compulsory ID cards - "We will put an stop to what we started in the first place."
- End to binge drinking - "See ID cards (above)"
- Teenage mother's hostels - "We suggested this in 1998. But in view of the fact that it never happened, we are perfectly entitled to suggest it again... and again."
- Get tough on ASBO dodgers - "We will be tough on ASBO dodgers, tough on the causes of ASBO dodging (i.e. Gordon Brown, who downgraded ASBOs.)
- An elected second chamber - "It is indeed fortunate, Comrades, that this didn't happen when we first promised it, because my government would fall apart without it's unelected peers. But next time round it really will happen... Honest."
- Change - "The great thing about change is that you can keep on promising it, even if nothing really changes. Let's face it, we're not getting any younger... or even staying the same age for that matter, Comrades. And that is indeed change!"

"To conclude, Comrades: If at first you don't succeed, try (2001), try (2005) and try (2010) again..."
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Setting the bar "high"

Lord Mandelson denied reports that he was 'high as a kite' yesterday, following an exuberant display at the Labour Party conference. The Business Secretary managed to inject life into an otherwise demoralised conference with a rousing speech that claimed that the Party could still win the next election and that promised undivided loyalty to Gordon Brown.

In an era when everyone assumes that politicians must be 'on something', and coming hot on the heels of Andrew Marr's questioning of the PM about the use of prescription drugs, it is hardly surprising that commentators assumed that Lord Mandelson's speech was the result of his taking 'happy pills'. The speech was an emotional roller-coaster that ranged from the frenzied to the coquettish, from the camp to the strident.

At times he was self-effacing and demure, meandering effortlessly through the past gripes and criticisms of his enemies. But eventually he was laying into the Conservatives in an impassioned and almost fanatical rant, claiming that Labour still had the ability to beat the Cameron crew. The Lord's temper was infectious. At the end of a speech that whipped the delegates into near hysteria, he won a standing ovation and received the adulation of many of his former critics.

Said an excited delegate, "On happy pills? Of course he is not on happy pills... If you had been resurrected from the dead for a third time, found that everyone was calling you 'The Lord' and realised that you could walk on water, you'd be high as a kite."

Golden Brown

Senior Labour party figures are furious with the BBC about the interview that Andrew Marr conducted with the Prime Minister at the start of the Labour Party Conference. In the interview Marr asked Brown whether he was using "prescription painkillers and pills" to help him "get through". The PM and Marr then went on to clash over whether this was a fair line of questioning.

Lord Mandelson has criticised the BBC for "personal intrusiveness" and the Labour Party has lodged a formal complaint. Alistair Campbell attacked Marr for repeating rumours that had previously been confined to the blogosphere - they were originally raised by the Conservative blogger Paul Staines aka. Guido Fawkes. Campbell said on his own blog, " It was low stuff. Everyone... has certain areas of their life that they'd prefer not to be asked about on live TV."

The question that no-one appears to have asked is whether it is of concern to the nation that the man with his finger on the nuclear trigger, the man who can take the country to war (or lead the country out of war) is taking mind-altering medication. Furthermore, does it matter that quite a number of people who are dependent on such medication do appear to have a higher than average chance of plunging into debt at some point?

Perhaps not. Many former world leaders have carried on quite ably for years whilst receiving mood, or mind-altering substances. John F. Kennedy and Adolf Hitler are both known to have led their countries whilst taking amphetamines aka speed. They were both extremely powerful men who had at their disposal 'weapons of mass destruction'. And both carried on leading their respective countries 'under the influence' for years rather than just the months - for which most Doctors hope to prescribe such medication.

In fact both were noted for the successful prosecution of complex and 'mind-blowing' confrontations, that showed cunning, bravado and 'determination'... one of which involved the brutal domination of much of Europe, the other that took the world to the brink of thermonuclear war better known as 'the Cuba Missile Crisis'.

From G-Whizz to G-Was

The G-Men are back. Well-groomed, in snappy suits, keen, mean, the G-men stride across the world stage. They have come a long way since the old days. They have recently saved the world from economic crisis, from financial meltdown. They return refreshed, renewed. And they are no longer 8 in number. Now they are 20.

Don't be mistaken. They might look like they are all just smiles. But no, they are much, much more than that. They are hugs... they are words. They are photocalls. They are intentions and aims and goals. And of course, they are hopes. They are the very audacity of hope, the audacity of hopes.

And here comes Gordon - is he G1 or G2? Nobody knows. Does anybody care? He is all swagger and rictus grin. He has renewed confidence, despite what the polls back home say. And now a man called Barack, audacious, hopeful, arrives and the crowds are loving him. Maybe it is he who is really G1... And Gordon, confirming that Barack is indeed G1, calls over to Barack: "Please, Sir. Can I have my picture taken with you?" Barack does not appear to notice and walks on amongst the adoring crowds, oblivious.

And everyone is asking: Will these G-Men conquer the greedy bonus-hunters, the dreaded 'Masters of the Universe'? Will they defeat that eternal enemy that wishes to drain the life blood from the planet, that seeks to destroy all Earthlings?

Well, you, the reader, can stop worrying about all that. The G-men have decided that they are going to have a good long sit down and think and talk about the problem of the 'Masters of the Universe'. And not only that, they will also make statements, saying that they are going to do something, insisting that something must be done. And when we, the earthlings, see that they all shaking hands and hugging eachother, we will surely be able to rest assured that something will undoubtedly be done. Once again we will be able to sleep at night.

And then the wives of the G-Men appear. Boy, do they love these photo-calls, with their designer suits and their hair-dos. They love all the primping and pampering and showing off... And then the wife of G-Brown calls across to the wife of Barack and she shouts, "Can Gordon have his picture taken with your husband." And the wife of Barack whispers into the ear of Barack. And Barack nods in that subtle way that he does. And then the wife of Barack gives the thumbs-up to the wife of G-Brown. And the wife of G-Brown then whispers into the ear of G-Brown. And all of a sudden, the rictus grin, that very trademark of Gordon, G-man, G-Brown... that grin, it just got a whole, whole lot bigger.