Tuesday, 27 October 2009

Inside Track

I tried the mobile number that Hamish, my old city pal, had given me. The phone tripped straight onto an ansaphone message. The voice didn't sound much like Theo Paphitis - at least not the one that I had listened to on the box. In fact it was rather more like someone putting on a fake North London Greek accent. Even stranger, the voice, the tone and pitch was faintly recognisable. After trying the number another fifteen times to no avail, I just left a message.
Then an hour later, my phone rang and somebody calling themselves Stelios said in a obviously false London-Greek accent, "Why you calling my phone? Who are the bleedin' hell you think you are leaving that message?"
I responded cautiously, "So you're not Theo, Theo..?"
"Theo? I'm not Theo. I told you, I'm Stelios."
"Okey dokey... Sorry about that," I replied and called off, confused and suspecting that Hamish might have been up to some of his old tricks. Back to square one it seemed. Maybe I should try Marcus - the guy with the inside track on Dragons Den. I know this idea of mine seemed far-fetched, just appearing on the set unannounced, but then isn't that how all these entrepreneurs get what they want? Through nerve, through daring?
In the end I spent the rest of the morning faffing. Lacking motivation after the heavy weekend, I aimlessly browsed the internet - as many, many bored city workers do in this dull and directionless segment of the week.
Something caught my eye: Legal Uppers. It was on a website called "Legally off your face." The drugs claimed to offer a perfect solution to 'those weary Monday morning blues'. However they were produced in a molecular form that meant that they were legal and that you could even give them to your grandmother.
Ever since Minxy had started spending more time at the flat, I required a bit more pep in the mornings to get me going. Maybe this was the answer. I clicked on the buy-now link, gave my credit card details and then just sat idly back in my chair gazing into space. Then I thought, maybe I should try and get hold of Duncan Bannatyne's mobile number instead. I'm sure Uncle Otto says he knows him.
Posted by guest blogger Wat Tyler


  1. Duncan Bannatyne27 October 2009 at 12:00

    Yoos thinks ya goin' a get mah mobile nomber and yoos has another thing comin'

  2. I expect everyone to go through the proper channels

  3. Oh-er the man is already onto rx drugs!
    Thin end of the wedge!