Thursday, 8 July 2010

News in Brief

Thousands of gormless teenagers catch Malaria

Following news that singer-celebrity Cheryl Cole has malaria, it's been revealed that thousands of adoring fans have been clogging accident and emergency wards complaining of the symptoms of malaria. A Doctor Livingstone said: "We have quite literally been inundated with sweaty, self-pitying, whingeing teenagers muttering the words "I've been  bitten." Of course we've sent them all home and told them: It's called being a teenager.

Megrahi could live for ten years

The Doctor who claimed the Libyan accused of the Lockerbie bombing was on his deathbed has now admitted he might in fact live for another ten years. He added however: "This appalling error of judgement regarding Al-Megrahi says more about the quality of the NHS under the last government than it does about dodgy oil deals with Libya."

Russian Spy to play Jennifer Aniston

It has been confirmed that the Russian spy Anna Chapman, a widely-reported Jennifer Aniston impersonator, is to play the actress in a film about her life and career. Hollywood insiders say that Chapman is perfect for the part of Aniston who has taken on a variety of roles and who has left audiences asking: who is the real Jennifer?

Said one insider: "The actress is very versatile and has played everything from an assassin and femme fatale through to the sweet and delectable Rachel in the long running TV series Friends.

"Similarly Chapman is someone as comfortable in the role of a suburban housewife or metrosexual thirty-something as she is in that of a ruthless undercover agent.

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