Monday, 2 August 2010

The Church of Twitter

In the beginning was the word, then there was another word and another and another and soon there were loads and loads of words, then there were loads of books and plays and documentaries and shit, and we all know the rest was history, but then along came this new thing, this new way of doing words, as in a new way of writing them words, and everyone knows it was what we was all waiting for all along, okay? It was something people especially Stephen Fry and geysers like him were wanting, were needing all along, and that was what they were calling micro-blogging, and it was like, after the sixties and stuff when the author was dead and shit, after these geysers Joyce and Beckett and Derrida and these De-constructivists and what have you said the author don't exist no more and stuff, then the writer had to be re-invented, had to be re-constructed, and the only way to do that, bro', was, like for the real serious writers like Stephen Fry and other blokes like him to do it all (this words biz) by doing the micro-blogging way of doing it, cos, it was like the new stuff, you see where I'm going? And you 'ad no choice but to get ahead of the game and like you had to do all this new shit, especially new shit when it was meaning words and stuff that people really want to listen to - you see where I'm going with this? And like people thought it was time writers got down with the ordinary people like Paris Hilton and Martha Stewart and Lord Prescott and ordinary people like that... you know just as Tracey Emin and Damien Hirst and geysers like that got down with all the ordinary arty people like Charles Saatchi and other people who didn't want to go and pay money to see all this impressionist shit and this Rembrandt and stuff, and it was then liked proved, actually by statistics in actual fact (no less) that this micro-blogging was more important than anything else known to man as a means of communicating, bro', cos everybody listened to it, and there was actual statistics they did that actually proved this fact - I kid you not, and it was, like, they proved that:-

513% of all people, like, thought Twitter was better than sex

1412% of all people, like, would give up sex and drugs and beating the shit out of people more than giving up Twitter

12346% of all people, like, thought that Twitter was more important to them than all the important writers ever known to man, like that Shakespeare and that Proust and tossers like that

223842.345% of all people, like, wanted to see the Bible and all the important books what no-one reads never no more micro-blogged in front of a live audience from a major venue like Wembley and to be filmed and distributed all over the world, cos then they might read them, but they probably wouldn't.

11123477% of all people, like, thought people should be forced to communicate with their loved ones and all the important people in the world like their doctors and their prime ministers and really important people using just Twitter and only ever Twitter, and no other way, otherwise they be arrested and shit.

And those statistics, bruv, those statistics, well you gotta admit they is like really important and shows how important Twitter is in everyone's life. And also the other thing is, right, is, its also a really good way of getting free publicity from gullible people as well - which is probably why they do it anyway in the first place... like, don't ya think?

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