Thursday 28 January 2010

The Iron-on Chancellor

Chancellor Alistair Darling today demonstrated his courage, his independence and his initiative by standing up to no less a man than the President of the United States. He has been holding private talks with British financiers who wish to head off President Obama's tough new curbs on the financial sector.

Chancellor Darling proclaimed before a packed audience of senior bankers: "If anyone is going to boss me around and treat me as their lick-spittle it is going to be the Investment Banking community."

The statement met with rapturous applause and in some cases tears (of laughter), as bankers congratulated one another on their "restrained sodomising of the Chancellor."

Mr Darling, frequently displaying his trademark sycophancy, continued: "You gentlemen have done so much for the British people, for the British taxpayer over recent years. And what is more you have made men like myself feel important, feel needed. It would be no exaggeration to say that I view myself as your humble servant."

He concluded: "And when Labour loses the next election, might I be so bold as to suggest that I do in fact become your humble servant in a rather more literal sense... if I may say so, in a more directly employed sense."

The audience was clearly moved and the Chancellor then proceeded to wander around the hall, pressing flesh and continuing his ass-licking 'offensive' with individual members of the banking community until the early hours of the morning, or until they had grown tired of rogering him senseless.

14 comments:

  1. Alistair Asslick28 January 2010 at 11:57

    Can I just say that it is much harder to kiss ass than not to kiss ass

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  2. I too am good at kissing ass, except that I am a strong believer that it should only be done in private

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  3. Well someone's got to kiss bankers' asses, haven't they? And what better a man than your good old Chancellor of the Exchequer?

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  4. Long may the bankers f*** the Chancellor's butt!

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  5. Alistair McSober28 January 2010 at 16:43

    Can I just say that respect for the men who hold the purse strings is better than downright ridicule?

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  6. I would like to add to Boris's point that it is better to smile at bankers' asses then to fade away like the Cheshire Cat?

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  7. I would like to thank the investment banking community for teaching me all I know about Wonderland.

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  8. I think you guys should show more respect for your Chancellor

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  9. Don't laugh, but I was once a Chancellor

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  10. For God's sake this is an opportunity to rebuild an investment banking community in London that is not dependent on American toxic mortgage waste.

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  11. Sorry but can you explain why that would stop banks in London refrain from making stupid investment decisions such as buying toxic waste? It didn't stop Bradford and Bingley and that's not even an investment bank for crying out loud!

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