Friday, 18 December 2009

Christmas comes early to Copenhagen

It was hardly thought possible just a few hours ago. But at the eleventh hour leaders attending the climate change summit in Copenhagen arrived at the draft text of an agreement which they hope will 'save the world'. And it appears that it is all down to the efforts of one man: Father Christmas.

Incensed by suggestions that Lapland was just an icy wasteland near the arctic circle, Father Christmas jumped onto his sledge and headed to Copenhagen. There, after having his picture taken with Gordon Brown, he implored leaders to lay aside their differences and to believe in Santa. In an impassioned speech he told delegates "All you have to do is close your eyes and believe... Believe that through the hope that has sustained you so long and that brought you to this make-believe world - the world of Hans Christian Andersen and his mermaid - Believe that through your will and through the striving that you will undertake..."

Santa continued in this vein for three hours until the delegates caved in. They have so far agreed to the drafting of a preliminary text. It is thought that this text might lead to a more extensive document by early tomorrow and one that is politically binding. Although precise terms have yet to be finalised, we know this much:-

1. You don't need a scientist to tell you Santa Claus is real.

2. Only through consensus will agreement be reached, only through talking will dialogue occur.

3. The world leaders convened at Copenhagen have to return home with their heads held high. They must look the kind of guys who save worlds.

4. Even if nothing concrete and binding is agreed at Copenhagen, it really does not matter. Any country that wishes to wriggle out of the agreement will do so unilaterally anyway.

5. It must appear that there was a point to Copenhagen. The world leaders must wave pieces of paper around when they arrive home, and proclaim something along the lines of, "This is peace in our time."

6. This is peace in our time.


  1. This is so, so cynical. How can you laugh at something that so affects the future of this planet?
    Some things are just beyond humour.

  2. I find it rather entertaining that after the mountains of evidence that scientists have produced there are still Neanderthals who doubt the veracity of the arguments.
    I used to froth at the mouth, but nowadays, it actually makes me chuckle more than anything else that there are people who are so utterly thick that they don't believe the graphs and charts and numbers that have been offered in evidence.
    Dear oh dear, keep on making us laugh, you totally asinine thick pathetic deniers! You don't make me angry. You only make me SICK because I am laughing at you, you UTTER CUNTS!!!!

  3. Oh and while we're at it, who the hell do you think you are, laughing at the Copenhagen summit?
    It's not your job to laugh, it's my job... to laugh at you evil, pathetic deniers of the truth, the only truth... God's truth... that has been handed down to us from on high and that shall be obeyed or else we die in a torrent of floods and a global inferno!

  4. I hope that people will appreciate the considerable time and effort that I have put into these talks and they will also realise that it is my aim to bring the world back from the brink of... oh, hold on, sorry, just one moment, these are my 'economic recovery' notes.

  5. In the circumstances that we now find ourselves, it will be history itself that will judge whether the hopes and the fears of our generation were satisfactorily...
    Oh fuck this for a game of soldiers... no, I mean it literally. Anything is more interesting than this.

  6. Cynical fucker