Monday, 23 November 2009

Glamour model Kayla's 'secret operation'

That Mister Ludd is not a terribly gracious man. He told me that I cannot do another post after this one because everyone has to take it in turns. This means that tomorrow it will probably be some government official or lawyer boring us all to death with his latest assessment of the MPs expenses row. That is hardly going to ‘pull in the punters’, is it?

I hope that there is no ulterior motive, however, such as Mister Ludd getting jumpy about the things I covered (or uncovered) yesterday. Maybe Mister Ludd feels threatened by the very lawyers that he is happy to feature on this website from time to time. But who knows? Maybe when he reads my post today, he will relent, however and realize that, irregardless of lawyers, I am the kind of personality that he should welcome with open arms.

Anyhow, I did not manage to tell ‘family man’ about ‘the operation’ that I mentioned in yesterday’s post. There were some photographers hanging around the Ivy last night as we approached. I can’t really believe that they were waiting for us; my vague references yesterday can’t have filtered out that quickly.

But ‘family man’ wasn’t taking any chances. He decided its better that he’s not seen with me in public. Oh, I know that his company might be purchasing the rights to my memoirs, but how often can he get away with that as an excuse? We ended up going for a discrete and relaxed Chinese. He delighted the waiter by buying the most expensive champagne on the menu. And after a few glasses of bubbly, I’d forgotten what I was going to say. Whoops!

It sometimes makes me laugh that he hasn’t found out for himself after the number of times we’ve slept together. Because, you know what he says to me? He says, “I can spot a fake from a mile off!” Of course, he says this usually when we are having intricate and meaningful conversations about celebrities. He tells me that, contrary to what some say, not all celebrities are shallow fakes. There are the fakes and the non fakes. He says that his skill in life is being able to tell the difference.

I have not yet dared to ask him how silicon should be viewed in this great celebrity charade. Does silicon make you fake? Or do people nowadays just see it as an accessory – you know, like a beautiful Fendi bag, or a pair of Jimmy Choos? Let’s hope the latter, as I have a lot of those kinds of accessories!

Hey, just a thought, darlings: If it’s possible for celebrities to reclassify the extensive repair work they've had as 'accessories', then maybe I could simply reclassify my ‘operation’ as an accessory - a bit of nip and tuck! I am sure that ‘family man’ would almost certainly expect a sixties starlet like Kayla to have had a bit of work done from time to time!

Anyway, just to let you know, a friend is coming round this afternoon to help me write my memoirs. Apparently, people call her a ‘ghost writer’, on account of the fact that she remains anonymous. When I told my theatre friend David, he roared evocatively, “Enter Ghost!” Although I do hope that my 'ghost writer' friend won’t have the kind of influence on my memoirs that the ghost did on Hamlet!

Anyway, I’ll let you know how I get on (if boring old Mister Ludd ever lets me.) Let’s hope that next time you hear from me – whenever that is – I will have some more news on the ‘family man’ as well.

Love to you all, darlings X


  1. Why does nobody write abatt me anymore? I'm just as famous as this cow. And I've got newer silicon... on

  2. As legal counsel for your client - not that I am allowed to say that it is your client on the grounds of the super injunction that I have received - I am sorry to say that there can be no more of the posts. And anyone asking 'why?' will also receive a super injunction. I hope that I have made myself clear.

  3. Can I just say that the person making the mick out of me on this website is not the real Jaw-Dan, but a fake imposter Jaw-Dan who pretends to be someone else calling themselves Jaw-Dan.
    Am I making myself clear or at lease clear as that stupid legal man who wrote in just now?

  4. Yes, loud and clear and very, very stupid

  5. Has anyone seen my boobs lately?

  6. Can I just say that someone is still using my REAL name so that I cant use my own REAL name on this website?
    This is a bloody liberty, as I am a fine Shakespearean actoress and I kno the power of names (in a kind of dramatic sense).
    Please stop doing this, whoever you are. Give me back my name and stop sniggering at my name. Anyone would think that there was something vaguely funny about it.

  7. Dear Ms Titmass, we have looked into your complaint and discovered that there were apparently 2,000 people signed up to this website with names very much sounding like
    '-tit'. It would be impossible to ban all of these people as they might really be tits.

  8. As a climate change advisor and contributor to this site, I feel you spend too long discussing boobs and not enough discussing global warming.

  9. This is tabloid garbage. How can you publish this stuff man?

  10. (The Real) Peter Hitchens23 November 2009 at 14:06

    Can I please just make it clear that that last post was not by me. There is somebody going around the message boards using my name.
    I find this unacceptable. Will you please refrain whoever you are?

  11. I would also like to add that anyone signing on to this site calling themselves either Jordan, or BigTits or Wubbly Wub-Wubs is not, I repeat, not me.
    I am no longer a glamour model, I'll have you know, but a writer of fiction for the more mature, the more refined, sophisticated sex maniac.

  12. Can I say that I find the whole tone of this post faintly misogynistic?
    Glamour modelling has allowed countless young women to break out of the strait jacket of the council estate, out of shelf stacking in Tesco, out of the confines of domesticity, out of the workhouse...
    It has liberated these women. Jordan should be considered a true feminist, even if she can't spell the word and doesn't have a clue what it means.

  13. Who the fuck am I?
    No, I mean it, I am having an identity crisis

  14. Yeah, who the fuck are you?

  15. Christopher Hitchens23 November 2009 at 15:05

    Can i also add to my brother's comment earlier about imposters running riot in the blogosphere?
    There is some fellow signing in to mainstream blog sites, who pretends to be a gin-soaked popinjay, called... you guessed... Christopher Hitchens.
    I've just had Martin Amis on the phone telling me that my comments on the Conservative Party website praising David Cameron and saying how much I'd like to play a round of golf with him, was a tad out of character.
    I took a look and sure as shit, this fake Hitchens character has been at it again. The only thing that gives him away is his lack of erudition. I would never ever say, 'any old iron' at any point in a golf game... not even if I was playing against Michael Caine.

  16. George Galloway and Dumfries23 November 2009 at 15:57

    Aye, ye are a Conservative ye gin soaked popinjay. Ye are a neo-conservatives that's what ye is

  17. Christopher Hitchens23 November 2009 at 15:59

    Well coming from Saddam's toadying lick spittle that's pretty rich.
    You're a Saddamite, man!

  18. Can I suggest that you guys just like cool it.
    Why can't all men of letters be like me? Cool, suave, sophisticated and strangely un-angry?

  19. (The real) Peter Hitchens23 November 2009 at 16:36

    'Cool' won't solve the world's problems, man. For God's sake, get a grip!

  20. Bianca from Eastenders23 November 2009 at 16:44

    Can i juss say that I fink this website is elitist and its also very anti-fiminits... ferminest... femaniss... it's very anti women!
    Just cos I'm workin' classed like, it's doesn't mean I'm not able to read Prooos... Prooodst... posh french writers!
    Anyway, what's so special about Time Bloody regain?

  21. Christopher Hitchens23 November 2009 at 16:49

    Christ, this is beyond a bloody joke. Some guy has just gone onto the New Labour website and left a message asking how he could get a date with Hazel Blears.
    And the commenters name... wait for it... Christopher Hitchens!

  22. Well chaps, someone has apparently been going on to one or two of the seedy 'blog sites' pretending to be me, but not quite me.
    Some fellow is calling himself Quentin Letts-Megodownonhim keeps appearing. He says that the name is a double barrelled version of his real name and that it proves that he is the real Quentin Letts.
    The mind boggles. Anyway, if you read this guy saying that he loves chasing ice cream vans, the you know its not me