Ballot papers for the Labour leadership have gone out today and even though four out of the five contenders are retreads from the last discredited Labour government, political pundits are already wetting themselves with excitement. Whatever else they may say, one thing's for sure: This contest promises to be one of the most gripping since Iain Duncan Smith won the conservative leadership campaign back in 2001.
But who exactly are the contenders, and what do they stand for? Here is our run-down:-
David Miliband - Known to his colleagues as "Camp David." Son of a revolutionary socialist and a leading light of the last Brown government. David is a proponent of what they're calling "New Marxism" that believes in embracing the market and giving large amounts of money to wealthy bankers. Says David: "It is clear that Marxism needs to be rebranded, and what better a way of doing this than by "changing the world" as Marx himself so aptly put it." Dave's strategy is to carry on doing what he was doing before but with "renewed vigour and compassion." It is clear that he is the one to watch (if you've misplaced your sleeping pills).
Ed Miliband - Known to his colleagues as "Time for bed, ZZZebEdee". Son of a revolutionary socialist and a leading light of the Brown government. Edward is a proponent of what they're calling "Green Marxism" that believes politicians, rather than bull-dozing the countryside, should cover it in wind-farms. Says Edward: "It is clear that my father's Marxism is due for an overhaul and that means - wait for it - green is the new red". Ed won the adoration of crowds recently at the Pamplona bull-run when he waved a green rag in front of a bull and it humourously ignored him. He is definitely the one to watch (when you're bored watching his brother).
Ed Balls - Known to colleagues as "Balls" on account of his humourous surname. Close friend of the former prime minister Gordon Brown. Ed believes only through a process of vigourous renewal can the Labour party renew and re-invigourate itself. He says: "We in the Labour party have lost sight of the fact that politics can be exciting and visionary. But I'll be blown if I know how to make that happen." Ed has won respect in many quarters for his original surname, which, if elected, he promises to draw regularly upon to help renew and re-invigourate politics.
Andy Burnham - Known to his colleagues as "Trouble at Millbank". Although considered an outsider, Andy will be within spitting distance of the leadership if the other candidates stand down. Andy is a no-nonsense Northerner, who cherishes his roots and believes they are his passport to success up North. He says: "One thing I do know. The Labour party has its roots up North, and God-willing, that is where it will have its final resting place." Andy is determined, if elected leader, to re-invigourate the ancient Northern art of cloth-caps and whippets.
Diane Abbott - Known to her colleagues as "That big fat hypocrite who sent her kids to public school". Diane is a rank outsider but considered a shoo-in in the event of everyone else getting bored and giving up. Says Diane: "I'm not in favour of coronations. Look where it got Gordon. But if the other candidates stood down and begged me, it's inconceivable I'd refuse the crown." Despite her misgivings about coronations, Diane is known to love coronation chicken which she tries to eat "at least five times a day". She never leaves home without her portable microwave which she considers invaluable when she's "a tad peckish on the campaign trail". She adds: "One thing's for sure: No one ever lost an election through having a big appetite - nor for being a big fat hypocrite for that matter."
Showing posts with label the-third-man peter-mandelson memoirs new-labour tony-blair gordon-brown. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the-third-man peter-mandelson memoirs new-labour tony-blair gordon-brown. Show all posts
Wednesday, 1 September 2010
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
Political memoirs and open government. A publisher's take
"There are many who view political memoirs with a degree of scepticism. There are some who view them with derision. Commentators often question whether the recollections of senior politicians can be anything other than self-serving - simply an attempt "to set the record straight" by writing and perhaps "righting" history.
"Now, I take issue with cynical attitudes such as these - as I do with those who'd adopt them. It is very easy to say that politicians are secretive, that they control the flow of information to suit their own twisted ends. And yet, when these self-same politicians do in fact publish their "warts and all" accounts they still come under attack. They are, as it were, damned if they do publish, and damned if they don't.
"I am a publisher and I have a somewhat different perspective. Yes, these memoirs might be elegantly tailored to suit the designs of certain authors. Yes, they might filter out certain salient points whilst flooding readers with others the authors would prefer them to take on board. Nevertheless, often quite by accident, they do offer an insight into the mindsets, into the attitudes, and therefore into the worlds these authors/politicians inhabit during their long and turbulent careers.
"Here, I give an example of one particular encounter that occurred between three senior politicians as they plotted the downfall of several senior cabinet colleagues in addition to the "liquidation" of various officials and members of the public who were deemed to have become an "inconvenience". I think you'll agree that, though the individuals concerned are not actually identified (for reasons of national security) and though the specific operation to which they refer is not immediately obvious, this account offers an unprecedented insight into the secretive workings of the "inner cabinet".
The Right Hon. Mr X: I really don't agree with you Otto (codename). Calling it "Operation Strongbow" is a dead giveaway. It suggests that we are up to something involving physical violence.
The Right Hon. Mr. Y: Oh, utter rot, Hagrid (codename). Strongbow is the name of a cider for crying out loud. What are we supposed to be up to? A cunning plan to get people pissed?
The Right Hon. Mr. Z: He's got a point you know, Otto. We don't really want the word strong... or bow for that matter. People might not see the cider angle. They might just think bows and arrows... death, destruction and the like.
The Right Hon. Mr. Y: Oh for crying out loud!
The Right Hon. Mr. X: I think that we should go for something warm and cuddly sounding. How about Operation Fluffy Bunny? No one would have a clue what that was.
The Right Hon. Mr. Z: Or how about Operation Teensy Weensy Cutesy Little Guinea Pig? Who'd suspect that?
The Right Hon. Mr. Y: (Sneering) Yes, well how about Operation Looney Tunes? That has a ring to it. And if ever we got caught we could claim, I don't know, diminished responsibility.
The Right Hon. Mr. Z: You know, you might be onto something.
The Right Hon. Mr. Y: (Sneering again) It was meant to be a joke.
The Right Hon. Mr. X: (Cutting in) Listen. I think I have the solution. Let's simply call it Operation Operation. That way, no one will have any idea what we're talking about.
The Right Hon. Mr. Y: (Perking up) You know, actually, I like it. Operation Operation. Totally meaningless... That's exactly what the business of government should be all about.
The Right Hon Mr. Z: Sorry... I don't follow. How d'you mean?
The Right Hon. Mr. X: The business of government should be all about nobody knowing what the hell we're talking about... even with all this Freedom of Information bullshit. Everyone is still clueless.
The Right Hon. Mr. Y: Yep. I go along with that.
The Right Hon. Mr. X: So, we're agreed. We're calling it Operation Operation?
The Right Hon. Mr. Y: Sounds good to me.
The Right Hon. Mr Z: I suppose so...
The Right Hon. Mr. X: But, you know what. Let's obfuscate a little more.
The Right Hon. Mr Y: Yes?
The Right Hon. Mr. X: Yes... To confuse matters further, let's call it Operation Operation Operation. That way, no one will know whether we're talking about the Operation... or talking about talking about the Operation. Good idea?
The Right Hon. Mr. Z: Erm...
The Right Hon. Mr. X: GOOD idea, boys?
The Right Hon. Mr. Y and Mr. Z: (In unison) Yes... Mr. X.
"Now, I take issue with cynical attitudes such as these - as I do with those who'd adopt them. It is very easy to say that politicians are secretive, that they control the flow of information to suit their own twisted ends. And yet, when these self-same politicians do in fact publish their "warts and all" accounts they still come under attack. They are, as it were, damned if they do publish, and damned if they don't.
"I am a publisher and I have a somewhat different perspective. Yes, these memoirs might be elegantly tailored to suit the designs of certain authors. Yes, they might filter out certain salient points whilst flooding readers with others the authors would prefer them to take on board. Nevertheless, often quite by accident, they do offer an insight into the mindsets, into the attitudes, and therefore into the worlds these authors/politicians inhabit during their long and turbulent careers.
"Here, I give an example of one particular encounter that occurred between three senior politicians as they plotted the downfall of several senior cabinet colleagues in addition to the "liquidation" of various officials and members of the public who were deemed to have become an "inconvenience". I think you'll agree that, though the individuals concerned are not actually identified (for reasons of national security) and though the specific operation to which they refer is not immediately obvious, this account offers an unprecedented insight into the secretive workings of the "inner cabinet".
The Right Hon. Mr X: I really don't agree with you Otto (codename). Calling it "Operation Strongbow" is a dead giveaway. It suggests that we are up to something involving physical violence.
The Right Hon. Mr. Y: Oh, utter rot, Hagrid (codename). Strongbow is the name of a cider for crying out loud. What are we supposed to be up to? A cunning plan to get people pissed?
The Right Hon. Mr. Z: He's got a point you know, Otto. We don't really want the word strong... or bow for that matter. People might not see the cider angle. They might just think bows and arrows... death, destruction and the like.
The Right Hon. Mr. Y: Oh for crying out loud!
The Right Hon. Mr. X: I think that we should go for something warm and cuddly sounding. How about Operation Fluffy Bunny? No one would have a clue what that was.
The Right Hon. Mr. Z: Or how about Operation Teensy Weensy Cutesy Little Guinea Pig? Who'd suspect that?
The Right Hon. Mr. Y: (Sneering) Yes, well how about Operation Looney Tunes? That has a ring to it. And if ever we got caught we could claim, I don't know, diminished responsibility.
The Right Hon. Mr. Z: You know, you might be onto something.
The Right Hon. Mr. Y: (Sneering again) It was meant to be a joke.
The Right Hon. Mr. X: (Cutting in) Listen. I think I have the solution. Let's simply call it Operation Operation. That way, no one will have any idea what we're talking about.
The Right Hon. Mr. Y: (Perking up) You know, actually, I like it. Operation Operation. Totally meaningless... That's exactly what the business of government should be all about.
The Right Hon Mr. Z: Sorry... I don't follow. How d'you mean?
The Right Hon. Mr. X: The business of government should be all about nobody knowing what the hell we're talking about... even with all this Freedom of Information bullshit. Everyone is still clueless.
The Right Hon. Mr. Y: Yep. I go along with that.
The Right Hon. Mr. X: So, we're agreed. We're calling it Operation Operation?
The Right Hon. Mr. Y: Sounds good to me.
The Right Hon. Mr Z: I suppose so...
The Right Hon. Mr. X: But, you know what. Let's obfuscate a little more.
The Right Hon. Mr Y: Yes?
The Right Hon. Mr. X: Yes... To confuse matters further, let's call it Operation Operation Operation. That way, no one will know whether we're talking about the Operation... or talking about talking about the Operation. Good idea?
The Right Hon. Mr. Z: Erm...
The Right Hon. Mr. X: GOOD idea, boys?
The Right Hon. Mr. Y and Mr. Z: (In unison) Yes... Mr. X.
Mad,bad and dangerous...
Gordon Brown was mad, bad, dangerous and beyond redemption. That's what former PM Tony Blair thought, if Lord Mandelson's political memoirs are anything to go by.
So why was Brown tolerated for thirteen years?
Perhaps because much of the Labour front bench was mad, bad and dangerous as well - especially in the final months leading up to the 2010 election.
The "beyond redemption" bit is also relevant. The thing about redemption is that you never know for sure when someone is actually "beyond" it... until of course it's too late, the penny finally drops and you decide: Yep, they are indeed, they truly are... beyond redemption.
It's like a lover who keeps on forgiving a partner, patching things up, splitting up again, getting back... until... eventually... they realise that the lover really is... beyond redemption.
Maybe the people around Brown all thought: he could change. He couldn't.
Still... all's fair in love and war. That's the other reason why Brown lasted for thirteen years. Probably.
So why was Brown tolerated for thirteen years?
Perhaps because much of the Labour front bench was mad, bad and dangerous as well - especially in the final months leading up to the 2010 election.
The "beyond redemption" bit is also relevant. The thing about redemption is that you never know for sure when someone is actually "beyond" it... until of course it's too late, the penny finally drops and you decide: Yep, they are indeed, they truly are... beyond redemption.
It's like a lover who keeps on forgiving a partner, patching things up, splitting up again, getting back... until... eventually... they realise that the lover really is... beyond redemption.
Maybe the people around Brown all thought: he could change. He couldn't.
Still... all's fair in love and war. That's the other reason why Brown lasted for thirteen years. Probably.
Monday, 12 July 2010
I will Beria the hatchet
A Lavrenti Beria writes:
"My memoirs shouldn't be viewed as an attempt to undermine Gordon's reputation as the best leader this country ever had (which clearly he was not). I would sooner let bygones be bygones,and "bury the hatchet" as it were. These memoirs should in fact serve to recall the man Gordon once was in the days of that delightful but verbose - and challengingly ineffectual - Mr. Kinnock. Back then Gordon was a man of ideas - charming, proactive, resilient, and most important someone of dogged intellect and determination.
I was asked by Gordon to return to government back in 2008. He was clearly aware that his flagging fortunes could only be revived by a man who possessed my superb Machiavellian instincts. Just as I had propelled Tony to government in 1997, so, Gordon reasoned, I could propel him back to No.10 with perhaps a bigger majority and renewed vigour.
Sadly however, it requires a Machiavellian Prince to capitalise upon the plans of a Machiavellian adviser like myself. Gordon was clearly unable to keep up with, to comprehend the brilliant strategies that I devised to allow him to cling on to power. I did my best to make him appear statesman-like, to make him stand grand and proud on the steps of Number 10 whenever a crisis occurred. But Gordon's problem was that he could never run with the situations that I engineered, he could never carry them through to the point where the people could behold a man of leadership and purpose and destiny.
In the end, it was a hopeless case. The battle with the electorate was lost. The ordinary people reverted to type: greedy, grasping, selfish and ruthlessly individualistic. Plan Brown was never properly expedited. But, and this is a big but, I would like to make it clear that unlike that other Lavrenti Beria who was Stalin's fine henchman, I was never guilty of poisoning my fatally flawed and wounded boss. Gordon, I am sorry to say, did that himself with those funny pills that he referred to as "anti-depressants".
No. I can hold my head up high. And so I will - very high. I have, unsurprisingly, received multiple job offers from the finest companies. I wish I could say the same for Gordon, who, it appears, will likely move on to that knackers yard that people refer to nowadays as "academia".
But most important of all, I continue to serve the Labour Party with my perceptive observations and my in-depth commentaries and I am always ready to offer my pearls of wisdom to those, such as the Miliband of brothers who would graciously receive them."
Yours, PM
"My memoirs shouldn't be viewed as an attempt to undermine Gordon's reputation as the best leader this country ever had (which clearly he was not). I would sooner let bygones be bygones,and "bury the hatchet" as it were. These memoirs should in fact serve to recall the man Gordon once was in the days of that delightful but verbose - and challengingly ineffectual - Mr. Kinnock. Back then Gordon was a man of ideas - charming, proactive, resilient, and most important someone of dogged intellect and determination.
I was asked by Gordon to return to government back in 2008. He was clearly aware that his flagging fortunes could only be revived by a man who possessed my superb Machiavellian instincts. Just as I had propelled Tony to government in 1997, so, Gordon reasoned, I could propel him back to No.10 with perhaps a bigger majority and renewed vigour.
Sadly however, it requires a Machiavellian Prince to capitalise upon the plans of a Machiavellian adviser like myself. Gordon was clearly unable to keep up with, to comprehend the brilliant strategies that I devised to allow him to cling on to power. I did my best to make him appear statesman-like, to make him stand grand and proud on the steps of Number 10 whenever a crisis occurred. But Gordon's problem was that he could never run with the situations that I engineered, he could never carry them through to the point where the people could behold a man of leadership and purpose and destiny.
In the end, it was a hopeless case. The battle with the electorate was lost. The ordinary people reverted to type: greedy, grasping, selfish and ruthlessly individualistic. Plan Brown was never properly expedited. But, and this is a big but, I would like to make it clear that unlike that other Lavrenti Beria who was Stalin's fine henchman, I was never guilty of poisoning my fatally flawed and wounded boss. Gordon, I am sorry to say, did that himself with those funny pills that he referred to as "anti-depressants".
No. I can hold my head up high. And so I will - very high. I have, unsurprisingly, received multiple job offers from the finest companies. I wish I could say the same for Gordon, who, it appears, will likely move on to that knackers yard that people refer to nowadays as "academia".
But most important of all, I continue to serve the Labour Party with my perceptive observations and my in-depth commentaries and I am always ready to offer my pearls of wisdom to those, such as the Miliband of brothers who would graciously receive them."
Yours, PM
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