Monday, 28 November 2011

Stop the presses!

What happened to "characters" previously depicted on these pages?

1) Did the predictions of a mad Libyan oligarch come true?

"These crazy rebels, they will use Libya's oil money to buy drugs from that Satan Obama. These drugs will make the rebels dream insane dreams. The ordinary citizen will think he can eat the desert sands and eat the camels, all the camels in Libya, even the brother sister's camels, and after that he will want to eat the tent in which he live and the tent in which I live too. And soon after that, all the camels in Libya and everywhere, they too will want to eat all the tents. And after that happen, President Osama, he will send his dogs into Libya. And he will have given them guns and hallucinatory drugs as well. Those dogs, they will then want to shoot the camels and eat them. And then the sands, they will swallow up the camels and the tents and the peoples. And all of Libya will disappear into nowhere. I ask you: What kind of hallucinations is that? Not my kind, peoples. Not my kind."

2) What happened to the man brought in to advise on breast-milk ice-cream?

"I have looked long and hard at female breasts. As a rich source of nourishment for developing infants, breasts are invaluable. But I do not believe we should look at breasts - common though they may be - as something to be taken for granted, that is to say, as the basis for food production. Would it not be so much simpler for retailers to produce and market breast-milk flavoured ice cream?"

3) What's up with Lord Prescott?

"Just because I have decided to don the ermine which has always been the very insignia of working class oppressors through the ages, it in  no way, shape or form suggests that I am about to surrender my fight with those who would undermine those values and those  beliefs that I have fought for all of my working life to overcome.

"However I would like to state without uncertainty that those rumours suggesting I am about to follow the path of Comrade Blair and adopt the learnings and the rituals of the Pontiff in Rome and the acceptance of the Latin Mass have no foundation nor  justification here on earth nor anywhere else at this present time."

4) Large Hadron Collider - Despite a stack of money being thrown at this Geneva based "experiment" scientists now indicate the Higgs-Boson particle might not actually exist after all. Here's what we said previously:-

Hadron Collider will be sold to developers

The powers that be have come up with a novel solution: convert the collider into a theme park, which will include a Super-Collider Fun Ride, plus an activity centre that'll show people how to make their own Higgs-Bozo particle.

Fashion designers will launch a range of "Collision" Clothing and toy manufacturers will produce scale models of the particle - which should provide hours of fun for children.

Asked to comment on these developments, a scientist called Ron said: “We might as well put the collider to some use.  And anyway, I was sick of my mates saying: You know what? We’ve been had Ron.”

5) What became of all those esoteric financial products that bankrupted global economies?

"Guys, guys, guys... collateralised debt obligations are so last season.We've an exciting new range of products nowadays. For example: "Collateralised vulture re-purchase funds", "re-collateralised quantitative easing obligations", "de-collateralised sub-prime re-purchase profits-only obligations", "fractionally-collateralised inflationary no-lose take-profit obligations", "quasi-collateralised bonus obligation obligations", and the latest "un-reconstructed massive-bonus re-newal obligations".

So don't say that bankers haven't changed. In fact we've totally re-invented ourselves!"

The original "stories" can be found by using the search engine to the right!

No comments:

Post a Comment