“Nice to fleece you, to fleece you nice. This is the bit where people tell us who they think’s to blame for last week’s UK riots. See how many of these opinions you find yourself agreeing with. There’ll be a test for you at the end. Probably.”
Young person: I blame the older generation for not listening to the demands of young people and leaving us with no hopes nor dreams for the future.
Prime Minister: I blame the policies of the last government that led to the slow motion moral collapse of our society.
Opposition leader: I blame the feral elite - bankers, phone hackers, dodgy coppers, expenses-fiddling MPs – for setting a bad example.
Investment banker: I blame politicians for failing to get to grips with the harsh economic realities. Which means: You mess with our bonuses and we’ll take our business elsewhere.
Newspaper magnate: I blame corrupt politicians, greedy bankers, vacuous celebrities and police-on-the-make for creating this moral wasteland in the first place.
Senior police officer: I blame ministers for cutting police numbers, even though they haven't cut them yet. What really counts when it comes to policing is quantity not quality. Well, that and having faith in the police to do their job in the first place, whatever that is.
Ex-Headmistress: I blame social theorists who, for too long, have undervalued discipline in Britain’s schools.
The ghost of Lord Reith: I blame the makers of reality TV shows like Simon Cowell who offer unattainable dreams and peddle the idea that 15 minutes of fame beats a decent education.
Simon Cowell: I blame anyone who hasn’t got a dream. And I offer young people dreams. I offer them a way out of the ghetto.
Simon Cowell’s banker: I haven’t a bad word to say about Simon Cowell.
Politicians: Nor have we. None of us.
Newspaper magnate: Me neither. He fills column inches.
Investment banker: The guy makes a shed-load of money. So, what can I say?