Monday, 21 March 2011

I know what you did last summer...

... and the summer before that... and the summer before that...

Posting too much information on social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook has its downsides. Comments made in jest or whilst enebriated can come back to haunt us...

Here's the transcript of a "recent" interview. It was for the role of a "Press Officer" and it took a turn for the worse, when the candidate's networking history was discussed. Names - and sites - have been changed to protect the identities of those involved...

Mr. Holloway: I have to say, Mr. Porter, we were very impressed by your resume.

Mr. Porter: Thank you.

Mr. Holloway: First from Oxford... Treasury, two tier-one banks, Saatchi. Exquisite references.

Mr. Porter: Thanks.

Mr. Holloway: But...

Mr. Porter: But?

Mr. Holloway: We thought it appropriate - due diligence being what it is these days - to take a look at your net foot-print.

Mr. Porter: My net foot-print?

Mr. Holloway: Your net foot-print, Mr. Porter.

Mr. Porter: Okay...

Mr. Holloway: You have a curious web-profile.

Mr. Porter: I do?

Mr. Holloway: Yes. You do.

Mr. Porter: Right.

Mr. Holloway: Can I ask this? Do you think it wise, from a broader networking perspective, to "love ramming hot comatose, dumb Aussie bitches too pissed to string two words together - they talk shit even when they're not comatose anyway - but boy did she love a good fisting, my fist was still so fucking exhausted after last week's outing with that Mandy tart from the Covent Garden event." That's the kind of profile you, a publicity officer by trade, are happy to leave on the web?

Mr. Porter: Not exactly but when I posted it the next day I was a bit...

Mr. Holloway: You were a bit: "So fucking ass-holed I chucked huge billowing waves of chilli pedigree-chum dog-food kebab all over my keyboard and..?"

Mr. Porter: Hold on...

Mr. Holloway: Yes. Hold on. And can I ask whether there actually is a restaurant - or bar - called "Madame Dildo's Anal Lick-Fest?"

Mr. Porter: Not exactly but where did you..?

Mr. Holloway: Never mind where we found it... You're quite a regular, I see... March 23rd... July 10th... September 19th... Good place to hang out?

Mr. Porter: Hold on!

Mr. Holloway: Hold on to what?

Mr. Porter: Oh! Come on!

Mr. Holloway: And do you make a habit of "emptying bollock-milk over Irina's d-cup?"

Mr. Porter: You what?

Mr. Holloway: ... you were "going through a bad patch at work" perhaps?

Mr Porter: Yes, but.

Mr. Holloway: ... And did you actually tell your colleagues it was you who "whacked the fuck out of Mike's fucking Apple after the Powerpoint fuck-up"

Mr. Porter: That was an exag...

Mr. Holloway: You didn't tell them?

Mr. Porter: Come on!

Mr. Holloway: Thing is, Mr. Porter, as an experienced Press Officer, it appears the one thing you don't give a good press is... yourself.

Mr. Porter: I didn't exactly know...

Mr. Holloway: We'd find out?

Mr. Porter: What can I say?

Mr. Holloway: Do you see the point I'm making? One thing one never wants, in any firm, company, institution, what-have-you, especially one like our own, is for the press officer to become the story.

Mr. Porter: Yes, but...

Mr. Holloway: Yet it appears that's exactly what you're in danger of doing - judging by your foot-print.

Mr. Porter: Hold on just one goddam moment! Just take one look at this. This is the guy I'm supposed to be working for... Assuming I were to get this job...

(Mr. Porter takes a piece of paper from his inside pocket and unfolds it. He passes it to Mr. Holloway. It reveals a prominent businessman who's shaking hands with a recently disgraced Dictator.)

Mr. Holloway: Yes. I was coming on to that.

Mr. Porter: I bet you were, Mr. Holloway. We all leave foot-prints that can come back to haunt us, do we not? Surely, that, to some extent, is what this job's about? No?

Mr. Holloway: To some extent.

Mr. Porter: So, perhaps I understand, better than anyone some of the pitfalls of transacting... in the public arena... as it were.

Mr. Holloway: (Furtively) Yes, so then... what you're trying to tell me is that this role of "press officer" would be better described as one of ""spin doctor? Is that the way you see this role?

Mr. Porter: You could say that, Mr. Holloway. You could indeed.

(to be continued...)

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