Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Sixty thousand characters in search of an author

"Listen, the point is this: We students don't care the last government massively increased the number of University places and introduced tuition fees at the same time. And so what if it meant anyone could potentially go to Uni and do Mickey Mouse courses like "David Beckham Studies", "The Literature of Jordan (aka Katie Price), "Equestrian Behaviorology", "The Phenomenology of Big Brother (part-funded by Endemon Productions), or "The Aetiology of Strictly Come Dancing". It's not our problem if this policy drained funding from dinosaur subjects like Astral-Physics, (In)Humanities, so-called English Literature, Law (which doesn't mean anything to most people) or History (which is all subjective anyway). We don't even give a damn this policy created a funding gap this Conservative-led government had to bridge, especially in times of economic hardship (whatever that actually means!)

"No! What really pisses us off is Nick Clegg, and the fact he reneged on his promises, before and during the general election, that he would get rid of tuition fees and not increase them. So what, if he and the LibDamns wouldn't have got into government in the first place had he not done a deal with the Tories? So what, if the last government which commissioned the Browne Report would have acted in line with the report's findings as well (had it got back in)?

"No! It's the complete and utter lies and hypocrisy that utterly disgusts us. Some of us students, like, actually voted for the LimDamns, even though we thought they wouldn't get into government anyway. But we assumed that, had they got in, then they would have implemented everything they said they would, in the same way that, if Father Christmas was really Father Christmas, he would actually come down the chimney and deliver us all the X-Boxes and IPads we students need simply to get by.

"Doesn't turncoat Clegg, like, realise that if we students can't afford our IPods, IPads, Nintendos, X-Boxes, Blackberries, or, for that matter, our cannabis and ecstasy - i.e. those little things that help us to get through the hardships of student life - then we'll have no alternative but to go out onto the streets and protest - which is something we haven't done for years? Like, student life would be sooo boring if we were so strapped we couldn't spend all day chatting to our mates on Facebook. It's our right to Twitter and post on YouTube at the same time as smoking grass. And anyway it's like really cold out on the streets and we wouldn't want to protest for long because we think protesting's like soooo last season.

"But, Mr. Clegg, you leave us with no alternative, because you lied to us. You lied to us, even though most of us didn't believe you anyway because you're a politician. And what really hurts is, you lied to us when we weren't bothered you were lying to us, because we thought you'd never get into power anyway. And now that you lied to us and you actually have got into power, you leave us with no alternative but to be confused, disheartened, displaced, bereft of identity... searching, searching for something. (For the first time in decades).

"So please, Mr. Clegg... please can you lie to us some more so we can conduct more protests this winter? The thing is, we don't want to go out onto those cold, icy streets. How're we going to summon up the energy (to protest again and again and again), unless you give us the fuel we need? Now we have the bit between our teeth, it would really help, it really would, if you could, like, make us more angry... or, at least, give us the wherewithal to make people think we're angry.

So, please, please, please, Mr. Clegg. Please can you lie to us some more?

No comments:

Post a Comment