Thursday, 9 September 2010

Those public sector jobs...

The coalition has promised to save tax-payers millions by doing away with superfluous public sector jobs. No-one will escape the chop - the cuts will apply to public sector chieftains ("quangocrats") and local council employees alike. But what exactly are these jobs? And shall we ever see their like again? Here's a snapshot...


Baroness Deirdre Dreary - Chairperson of the Road Transport Lighting Authority - Played a pivotal role in ensuring the upkeep and maintenance of the country's cats-eyes. Her major achievement was the introduction of the intermittent metallic green and apricot cats-eyes that are the talk of much of Northern England and East Glasgow.

Doctor Christopher Smithie - Chair of the European E-Numbers Advisory Agency - After a meteoric rise through Middlesborough council in the 90s, Sir Christopher got his lucky break with the E-Numbers agency that ensures councils across the land are at all times aware of new E-Numbers coming onto the market. He achieved praise for his report on the "Health and Safety Implications on E-Number Non-Awareness" which has since been widely distributed to a range of councils from Solihull to Tyneside.

Dame Christine Crappe - Chairperson of the International Waste Management and Lavatorial Action Programme - Christine has had enormous success at the organisation, set up to consider different approaches to defecatory recycling initiatives in England and Wales. Whilst under her helm, the organisation came up with the revolutionary idea of "Portable Excrement Recycle Buckets" which are designed to encourage ordinary people to keep hold of their waste products for later utilisation. To this end she co-ordinates on a daily basis with the Allottment Fertilisation and Development Institute that is, as it happens, run by her husband Sir Derek Arsington

Local councils

- Totem Pole Advisory Co-ordinator Grade 2 - Demanding role, will ensure the council's totem pole dancers comply with both international European Totem Pole Safety Directive 33558 and European Ethnicity and Diversity Directive 3472893.

- International Water Cooling and Paper Cups Co-ordinator Mark 3 - Key job within the council, high pressure but also richly rewarding. You will be involved in sourcing water cooling and paper cup dispensing devices internationally and at all times ensure that the council employees are suppied with cool, fresh, ethically sourced water. The role will involve a lot of foreign travel.

- Spiritual Well-Being Officer Level 9 - Richly challenging and hugely rewarding role ensuring that council employees have at their disposal a range of spiritual well-being solutions at all times. You will be expected to negotiate with make-over artists, masseuses, and council-trained Tarot card readers in order to secure their services for the general spiritual well-being of council employees thereof.

- Refuse and Local Services Information Retrieval and Processing Officer Level 98 - One of the most important roles within the council. You will be expected to ensure that householders using local services from refuse to schooling facilities comply with council directive 273837b at all times. This is a high pressure job which accounts for the extremely generous benefits and bonus scheme associated with the role.

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