Wednesday, 11 August 2010

Print and be damned

(So... how do we avoid the double-dip recession everyone's talking about? Our reporter (Ned) asked a distinguished British Professor Blanche des Fleurs (PBF) - currently working in New Hampshire, USA, and therefore paid in US Dollars - what he considered best for the UK economy.)

Ned:  Professor des Fleurs, you think stimulation is needed? Right?

PBF:  Most definitely, Ned. Stimulation is precisely what the UK economy needs right now.

Ned:  And you would expect the government to provide this stimulation?

PBF:  Yes, the only way in which this stimulation can occur is if the government prints loads and loads of lovely stimulus, I mean, money, I mean, pounds.

Ned:  You're talking about quantitative easing?

PBF:  Don't say those words. They get me all stimulated.

Ned:  What? Quantitative easing?

PBF: (Squirming) Please don't. Please... don't...

Ned:  Quantitative easing!

PBF: Gosh, that's so good.

Ned:  What? Quantitative easing?

PBF:  Please... I can't take it any more.

Ned:  But, do you think that the British people can take it any more, this quantitative easing, when it means printing more pound notes, thereby devaluing their savings?

PBF:  Who cares? It's so stimulating - for the economy, I mean. It's the kind of thing we need if we are to, you know, to re-inflate, the... you know...

Ned:  The, you-know?

PBF:  Yes, you know, to get it up again.

Ned:   Get what up again?

PBF:   The bubble, I mean the economy. We need to make it full and tumescent again, just like it was before the 2008 crash.

Ned:  But why can't wealthy individuals who made a stack of money out of the British economy - and who then parked it in off-shore bank accounts - provide this stimulus by re-investing their money in the British economy? Why should ordinary hard-pressed British taxpayers and savers have to foot the bill through quantitative easing? Why should the onus be upon them to "get it up again"? It's pretty rough, don't you think?

PBF:  These things take time, Ned. Rich and poor alike want to return to the happy days of 2007. But in the meantime, I think you'll find we're all having to cut our cloth according to our means... if you know what I mean.

Ned:  (Nodding) Yes, I know what you mean all right... By the way, is that an Armani suit you're wearing?

PBF:  Paul Smith, you fool!

to be continued...

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