Sunday, 16 May 2010

"I have a cunning plan..."

Dramatis Personae - Which means “persons of the play” (for those educated whilst New Labour was in office.)
Lord Mandelson played by Blackadder
Gordon Brown played by  Baldrick

(Two guys with hangdog expressions, sitting in a bar, nursing whiskies.)

Gordon: Peter?

Peter: (Wearily) Yes…?

Gordon: I… I…

Peter: (Sneers) Aye… aye?

Gordon: I… I…

Peter: Yes, whatever aye, aye… Captain.

Gordon: No Peter. I… I have a cunning plan.

Peter: (Withering look) You have a cunning plan?

Gordon: (Excited) Yes, a cunning plan. Peter. A really cunning plan.

Peter: (Yawns) Well, that’s nice for you, Gordon. Really nice. Might I enquire what this cunning plan is?

Gordon: Oh, yes, Peter. You can enquire away. In fact I would love to divulge my cunning plan.

Peter: Go ahead. Shock me with your cunning plan, why don’t you?

Gordon: (A massive smile spreads across his face) Tony. It’s er… Tony.

Peter: (Chuckles) Tony?

Gordon: Yes.

Peter: Tony… is your cunning plan?

Gordon: Yes, great isn’t it?

Peter: Gordon. Might I remind you that Tony was my cunning plan. You were originally the heir apparent to John Smith. And I invented, I mean, I discovered, Tony.

Gordon: I know all that. With respect, Peter, I do not need a lecture on the history of New Labour. I was there. Remember?

Peter: Yes, I remember.

Gordon: So I am re-inventing Tony. Tony Two. Tony Mark Two. We bring him back as Prime Minister Tony Two. And then we are back in the driving seat once again. We own Britain once more.

Peter: (Sighs) Yes… But might I remind you, Gordon, that David Cameron is in the driving seat now. Like, er, hello? He’s like er won the election. The Con-Dems won the election.

Gordon: Yes, I know, Peter. But if Tony comes back, were Tony to come back, he could relieve Cameron of his duties as it were.

Peter: Just like that, eh? Just like that? The British people elected David Cameron, right?

Gordon: Right.

Peter: But you’re saying that Tony just breezes back in and strolls up Downing Street… he bangs on the door and says: “Hey, Dave. It’s me. It’s me, Tone. Tony Blair, used to work here, mate… I’m back… And er… you know what… I’ve still got the keys to No.10… and er, hey, a little bird told me that you guys, like, haven’t changed the locks since Gordon and I left the old place. Capiche? So I’m kinda like, er… coming in. And I kinda got backup from my old buddies, Pete and Gord.

Gordon: Precisely. That is precisely what Tony should say.

Peter: (Shaking his head, staring into space rather than looking at Gordon. He whispers to himself). The guy’s cracked… totally cracked.

Gordon: Whaddya think, old pal?

Peter: (Shaking his head). What do I think?

Gordon: Yes, what do you think?

Peter: (Still shaking head) Er… No Gordon.

Gordon: What?

Peter: No, Gordon. It won’t work, I’m afraid.

Gordon: What do you mean, it won’t work?

Peter: Gordon, this is rubbish. This is nonsense.

Gordon: Why? Why is it nonsense?

Peter: Gordon… I think that you need help. I think that you need to see somebody.

Gordon: But, Tony, Peter... I must have my Tony. He must come back.

Peter: No Gordon. Tony is not coming back to No10.

Gordon: Please Peter. I cannot govern without Tony.

Peter: Gordon, you’re out of office. You cannot govern full-stop.

Gordon: But Peter. I must have my Tony.

Peter: (Exasperated) Yes, Gordon. You must have your Tony.

Gordon: I must have my Tony. Can you do something? Can you summon Tony?

Peter: Ok, Gordon. (Shakes his head) I’ll see what I can do. I’ll see if I can summon Tony.

Gordon: Ok thank you Tony. Thank you so much.

Peter: Er, yep. Remember, I’m Peter.

Gordon: Yes, I’ll remember you're Peter from now on.

Peter: The guy is totally cracked.

No comments:

Post a Comment