Thursday, 13 May 2010

Better out than in

There’s a lot of male bonding going on at the moment. And I reckon it’s time to jump on the bandwagon.
After watching the Clegg / Cameron love-in yesterday, I realise I must ‘come-out’. I have to break the news to my mother first - quite naturally. But she does not take it well.

“Mother, you better sit down. I have something to tell you.”

“What is it dear?” she asks. “Are you gay?”

“No, mother. I am indeed coming out. But I’m not gay.”

“Oh dear.” She says, disappointed. “What do you mean by 'coming out' then?”

“Mother. I am terribly sorry. But I am a C...C... C”

“You’re a C... C... C? Whatever do you mean?”

“I’m a C... C... C... Conservative.”

“A Conservative,” she shrieks. “A big C Conservative?”

“Yes mother. A big C Conservative.”

“Oh darling. How could you? After all we have done for you.”

“I know, mother. And I cannot tell you how terribly, terribly sorry I am.”

“This isn’t a wind-up, is it? A ghastly, Pythonesque wind-up?”

“No mother. I’m afraid that it is true. Last week I voted Conservative.”

She sighs. “Oh, darling. I cannot tell you how gut wrenching it is to hear this. And after the thoroughly liberal-humanist upbringing we gave you. I really just don’t understand.”

“I know mother. It must be very hard for you.”

“Oh, believe me. It is really hard. Terribly, terribly hard.”

“I know, and I’m sorry mother. I really just don’t know what to say.”

“Well, how about... you’ll talk to someone about it?”

“Yes mother. I am talking to Nick Robinson at the BBC, then Andrew Neil and after that, I am heading over
to Sky to talk to Adam Boulton.”

“That wasn’t exactly what I had in mind. But I suppose it’ll have to do for now.”

“Yes, mother. And as I say. I am really, really sorry.”

“I know. You’ve said it about three times.”

“Yes, mother.”

She dabs a tear from her eye and says: “Just one thing dear. What was it that made you come out of the closet?”

“It was getting somewhat musty in there.”

“Oh, yes... Of course. I suppose it does after a while.”

“Yes mother. Thank you for being so understanding.”

She shakes her head and mutters: “Where did I go wrong?”

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