Monday, 12 April 2010

This is no ordinary shopping list, this is a Labour Party shopping list

Gordon Brown has said that the Labour manifesto is not "an expensive shopping list, spraying promises as the Tories have been doing." Quite what he means is anyone's guess. But here goes...

Ed Milipede: I think the voters'll go for it Gordon. There are some really cool commitments.

Gordon: Yes, great presentation. Lovely graphics and special effects. I especially like the animation. I am sure it'll appeal to younger voters. Very modern.

Ed: Yes, but Gordon. There's one commitment that isn't in this manifesto, which worries me a bit.

Gordon: What's that?

Ed: The commitment that a Labour government will honour its manifesto committments.

Gordon: The commitment that, you what? What are you talking about?

Ed: Well it's the one commitment that voters never hear - but which they'd probably like to.

Gordon: Oh, don't be silly Ed. The manifesto is not about what they want to hear. It's about what we want to say. It's about us 'manifesting'. It's not about them, them...  'audifesting' or whatever it would be called.

Ed: Audifesting? Audifesto? Yeah, like it. Listening to what the voter wants. Could catch on one day.

Gordon: But come on Ed. We don't have time for all this. This (waves manifesto in his face) is our mission statement. Get it? Our mission statement.

Ed: Yeah, okay, Gordon. Mission statement, I suppose you're right.

Gordon: (Big smile) I'm manifestly right, Ed. Do you get it? Manifestly?

Ed: Yes, very good, Prime Minister. Manifestly.

Gordon: Yes, I'm manifestly right, Ed. And that is why this is my, our manifesto.

Ed: Yeah, okay Gordon. But if we are in fact re-elected then you realise that the electorate would never trust us ever again if we broke even a single commitment within this manifesto. They really would not. It'd be bye-bye.

Gordon: Let's worry about that when or if the time comes, Ed. For the time being, let's just get re-elected.

Ed: But, Gordon. Isn't that what they all say? You know, politicians? Worry about it when the time comes?

Gordon: Yes, Ed. But pity the poor sod whose job it'll be to go through this purple prose with a fine tooth comb looking for all those itty bitty commitments that we broke. I don't envy him or her that job. Especially in view of the fact that most people will by then be rather indifferent. Let's face it, most people have a hard enough time going through manifestos as it is - and that's before the election.

Ed: Yes, true, true, Gordon. You're right there.

Gordon: Ed, I'm manifestly right. (Grins) Am I not?

Ed: (Forced laugh) Yeah, Gordon, absolutely. You're manifestly right.


  1. Ya man, it's a case of spray and pay

  2. My Aunty Marlene (Dietrich) always said that commitments are made in order to be broken. And she learnt all she knew from Mae West and Dorothy L Sayers, whoever they are.

  3. Mary Off-Whitehouse12 April 2010 at 17:16

    Can I just say that the disgusting cynicism that I see all over the web is all over the web nowadays. And I would like to know what commitment our politicians will make to cleaning the web of this horrible cynicism.

  4. Maybe Labour should have started by apologising for the last few years?

  5. If the Manifesto was written on a roll of Andrex it would at least be fit for purpose.

  6. Labour's in the same position the Tories were in 13years ago - they have no vision, no new ideas, have made a mess of the country and now need to retreat, lick their wounds, and try to rebuild

    It will be a long time after Gordon Brown, Tony Blair before people feel they can trust anything they say.

  7. It is pretty obvious that many Labour politicians don't care whether they win this election or not. Half the cabinet have their eyes on replacing Brown, the other half on lucrative private sector jobs