Thursday, 4 February 2010

Careers Handbook

No.86 Member of Parliament

Why become an MP? The common answer is, "I want to give something back to the community." And for most MPs this means generously lavishing policies generated by think-tanks and focus groups on communities that want solutions to simple problems such as crime and anti-social behaviour. In certain instances policies might be the product of long cherished beliefs, although this is becoming less common nowadays.

An important reason for becoming an MP is of course the desire for power, though this is not always possible for those MPs who languish for most of their lives on the back benches. It is generally accepted that high office is best achieved through frequent displays of sycophancy. An ability to jettison one's conscience, or better still, to have it removed before entering the House, is prerequisite as only those who vote consistently with the government are in with a chance of reaching Cabinet.

Finally, what of the financial rewards? These can vary from the large to the staggering, depending on the individual MP's greed and selfishness. Anything from pornographic movies through to duck-houses and non-existent mortgages can be claimed on expenses as are any similar items that are essential to the MP in the day to day performance of his duties. A great perk is the freedom to undertake non-parliamentary employment. Many MPs are owned by multinationals, lobbyists and other organisations that simply seek a better understanding of parliamentary business. It is generally accepted that the vast sums they pay to the MPs have no effect whatsoever on their voting behaviour. This is because these companies are totally opposed to bribery, and probably have no idea what bribery is anyway. Therefore no significance should be attached to the commonly heard cry of lobbyists, as they approach Westminster, "I'm gonna buy me a Member."

After Parliament they can continue working in industry and commerce, but, as before, not in a way that is prejudicial to the parliamentary process. Parliamentarians, both serving and former, cherish the privileges that come with the job, and will do all that they can to protect them. And it is generally accepted that they are on the whole an honest bunch of men and women, except, of course, for those who are not.

Members of Parliament are well aware of the old and venerable institution that they serve and they will always strive to ensure that its standing remains above that of prostitution, drug smuggling and other ancient practices that have similarly stood the test of time.


  1. The MP for Rotland4 February 2010 at 16:38

    I have tried both prostitution and Parliament and on the whole, you are more likely to get what you want from the former.

  2. Mr 'Brown' (Real name and address withheld)4 February 2010 at 16:45

    Speaking as someone who has little knowledge of ladies of the night, I would nevertheless be happy to see them on the benches. We could indeed have all-whore shortlists.

  3. It is a disgrace. We are the most important people in the land and yet we do not receive enough to feed a pig, which is not what we are.

  4. English Collective of Right Hon Members4 February 2010 at 16:51

    Is it not about time that the old brothal that existed during the administration of Pitt the Younger be reopened?
    It is surely essential to the MP in a hurry?

  5. Harriet HaHaHymen4 February 2010 at 16:53

    Whilst I would support prostitutes and their right to earn a living I do believe that it is crucial to enforce the castration of those who even think about having sex with them.

  6. Well of course in my day we never real had much need for these 'ladies of the night' since the normal way of achieving fast relief was something called Edwina Currie.

  7. Eliot Moremoremorely4 February 2010 at 16:56

    Parliament? Indeed a rich and rewarding career!

  8. Gordon Brown will make it all better. Probably.
    Bloke down pub told me

  9. Since all this criticism of MPs it must be easier to find a seat.
    Think I'll stand. Could do with a new porn collection

  10. I'm also standing as an MP since I need a new kitchen and patio doors

  11. Sir Cecil Bonsonby-Buggers4 February 2010 at 19:35

    Damned moat's packed up again. Maybe time to return to the Commons.

  12. Salvatore 'Sandblaster' Genovese5 February 2010 at 11:01

    Hey, I like the sound of this outfit. Maybe I'll check it out.

  13. Eliot Moremoremorely5 February 2010 at 12:52

    Bloody MPs... somebody nicked my unbrella, that I nicked

  14. Can I just remind people that whilst they might not require pornography in the performance of their duties, others indeed might.