Wednesday, 13 January 2010

10 million pound RBS Boss: Even my parents think I'm a greedy fuck.

RBS boss Stephen Hester gave evidence to the Treasury select committee yesterday. This is the transcript of that evidence.

John McFall, MP: What do your parents think of you, Mr Hester?

Hester: They think that I'm a greedy bastard.

(Roars of laughter in the committee room)

McFall: (Wiping tears from his eyes) Very good, Mr Hester. If I may say, that is an excellent joke. And one that I would expect from someone of your great standing. Now moving on, what does your wife think of you?

Hester: She thinks that I am a greedy bastard, but she likes the new kitchen.

(Derision throughout the chamber. Sound of MPs and journalists falling off their chairs)

McFall: You're in the wrong job, Mr Hester. You're a regular comedian, are you not? If I was head of light entertainment at the BBC I would pay you at least twenty million.

Hester: Indeed you would Mr McFall. Indeed you would.

(More laughter and derision.)

McFall: (Fighting to hold back the tears) Too much, too much, Mr Hester... Now, Mr H. What do your children think of you? And please, please take your time. I haven't wiped away all the tears that your last joke caused yet.

Hester: What do my children think? Well, Tom loved the Porsche. Tallulah adored the new pony and paddock, whilst Ed thinks I'm God after I bought him the recording studio.

(The chamber descends into chaos)

McFall: I have never come across such flair, such elegant wit. I am lucky to be here at this moment in time. Indeed, very lucky. Now, Mr Hester, what do your neighbours make of you?

Hester: My neighbours think I'm a greedy bastard. That's because they are envious. They tell people in our local village that I am a tosser. But they have to be nice to my face. You see, each year my family throws the most lavish summer ball in the county. If neighbours Ron and Val don't show due deference whenever they are in my company then they will find themselves very much uninvited. So, Ron and Val... who are the tossers now, eh? Eh?

(Howls of laughter around the chamber)

McFall: (Trying to compose himself) We are witnessing pure genius. No could ever possibly question your salary, however high it be, Mr Hester. You are indeed a man who is not just rich in monetary terms, but also in terms of your character, your spirit and your charming humour. Now, Mr Hester. One final question: What does the taxpayer think of you, do you reckon?

Hester: Taxpayer? Who gives a fuck about them?


  1. He's right you know.
    The guy is a genius.
    I want to pay him everything I've got, and then take out a loan so that I can pay to hear his wonderful jokes

  2. At long last, now you can see why I was charmed, beguiled by this wonderful man.

  3. Wel, they say that humour is the best chat up line.
    What can I say? I consider myself smitten

  4. Mr McFall is not in a position to pay twenty million. But I am. Please Mr Hester, we all know that success breeds success. Come and work for me and I will pay you handsomely

  5. I fought it was Mr Hester who should be earning the weally big salawy.
    I am weally weally convinced that the BBC slogan should be like ve Loweal advert: Coz your worf it.

  6. Can I just say how I impressed I am by the genius Alan Yentob. He is one of the most talented beard growers in the country.
    He is definitely worth it.

  7. Can I say that as a bond trader in one of the most successful US banks, and as an American citizen in London, I find the tone of this transcript really distasteful. If you Brits want to go back to being a bunch of losers, then be my guest.. I hope you enjoy your 'Winter of Discontent'

  8. Alistair Darling13 January 2010 at 14:48

    Oh, please Mr Hewson sir, Mr Bond trader, please don't be upset. These horrid nay sayers will all be put in prison if Gordon wins the next election.
    What can I do to keep you happy? Here please have millions more from the treasury coffers.
    British Tresury bonds are fast going out of fashion anyway.
    Have I tugged my forelock enough, Sir?

  9. Come back Chiang Kai Shek. All is forgiven

  10. Can I add this? A man is defined by two things and two things only:-

    One - the size of his beard
    Two - the amount of cash he splashes (on Jonathan Ross's salary).

  11. The Bwitish Bwoadcasting Cworpowation weally is the best cworpowation in the countwy.
    And would you mind selling me one of your wadio stations, and I'll keep quiet...
    Wepeat after me... Wound the Wagged Wock the Wagged Wascal Wan.

  12. Can I say, though I am deceased, that the Bwitish Bwoadcasting Cworporation is bettew off without wubbishy wepwobates like Jonathan Woss?
    Also a word of advice for the election: At the next election my list of pweferwed Pwime Ministewial candidates are: Diswaili, Wobert Peel, Earl Gwey, and finally the late gweat Wamsey Macdonald.

  13. Why do people keep beating up on bankers? I love bankers. My dad was one and he was able to send me to a good public school so that I would get a good start in life.
    Unfortunately I was caught taking grass, got expelled and ended up at a local comp.
    Now I am on the breadline and I hate bankers.
    Even though my dad was one

  14. Alistair Darling13 January 2010 at 16:45

    Can I also say, Mr Hester, Your Highness Sir, that, just as I have been so gracious as to give you a job, then, er might I ask... were I, in the unlikely event of a hung parliament replaced by that horrid banker-bashing Vince the Cable, then perhaps you might feel it in your heart to give me a teensy weensy multi million pound job... in, I don't know, something like, er Investment banking perhaps?
    Pretty please. (forelock tug)

  15. You guys crack me up. Go back to the stone age why don't ya?

  16. If I want a bet with long odds, i'll bet my money on a February election, thanks

  17. Once a banker always a wan**er

  18. Once New Labour always New Labour...

  19. New Labour, New danger.
    I didn't believe it then, I don't believe it now.
    But that's because I have never been a believer.
    Neither a believer nor a proselytizer be.

  20. Bend over. Take my bonus like a Mann

  21. Don't upset the bankers. They will go and take their corrosive ways elsewhere

  22. Alistair Darling14 January 2010 at 17:38

    Please do not go... please, kind money lenders.
    We will bow down to you and show you that we will never let you down, your Highnesses

  23. I hate money lenders like the next guy, but what can you do?
    The Conservatives are always going to be worse because of Black Wednesday.
    Or something.

  24. I'm dreaming of a Brown February
    When we can boot that fuckwit out

  25. I hope that you are not referring to the election date!

  26. Buddy, can you spare a Dimon?