Saturday 21 November 2009

It never rains but it warms

This week there was another serious outbreak of global warming. We know that it has happened many, many times this year; it has happened in the past; and it will sadly happen again next year and the year after. Ah! I hear you ask. How do we know that what occurred over the past few days (the storms, I mean) was really an outbreak of global warming and not just a case of torrential rain? Good question! Well, you only had to turn on your television last night to see the reports on the news channels that heavy flooding was connected to global warming. This was unequivocally supported by a massive array of graphs, charts and widespread numbers to prove it. Even the BBC’s flagship news programme, Newsnight, took this line. So it is definitely true.

Hi there, my name is Sven Johnnson. My good friend Didier de Clerck put me in touch with the very decent owner of this website, a Mr. Ned Ludd and suggested that Mr Ludd might be open to a contribution from one of Europe’s leading climate change specialists – that’s me, folks. I rang Mr Ludd and he generously responded with the words, “Not another one.” And after a deep breath, he continued, “Fuckit” – which I gather is British for the affirmative! So here we are. I am today’s guest blogger!

Now, I, Sven Johnnson, am the man who lives for numbers. I live, breath, eat, sleep and most important of all, dream numbers. When I was younger my fellow students used to think that I was really mental about numbers. They’d say, “Sven – he’s the guy who goes around thinking that he hears strange numbers in his head.” And how strange is that, folks? But you know what? They were right.

Now, this post is just an introduction to Sven Johnnson. But let me tell you what you can expect from my blog in the coming weeks, months and years (let’s hope it will be years, eh, guys?!) I will be showing to all of you how numbers shaped my life. And when I say numbers, it’s not just numbers. It is graphs and charts and computer models. I will also be showing you how those numbers (and graphs, charts and computer models) have shaped your lives and will increasingly shape your lives as we go forward.

This is a great moment in history for you readers to be following my blog. This is because we are starting to see the emergence of people like me getting more and more involved in government studies, news production and major, major research projects. This, I can tell you guys, is going to be the era when numbers not only changed all of our lives, but changed the world we live in, that changed the way we think. Oh, and finally, that changed all our futures, yours and mine!

So, I will tell you this now: You will obey those numbers. That is an order!! (Only joking! It is what we in the European Commission call a Euro-Joke!!)

Posted by EU Climate Change Advisor – Sven Johnnson.

23 comments:

  1. Yes, you are a Euro-Joke

    ReplyDelete
  2. Can I ask, are you for real?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well, I also love numbers guys. I lap them up. We would not a real world without them.

    ReplyDelete
  4. If you think that the climate change debate is worth taking the p*** out of, then I suggest that you have not read very extensively on the subject. It is a well known fact that climate change deniers have room temperature IQs

    ReplyDelete
  5. Something tells me that he is not for real

    ReplyDelete
  6. It's disgusting and its actually pathetic. Middle class school boys who fancy themselves as 'satirists' might get off on taking the piss out of the green agenda, but there are actually people dying right now as a result of blinkered and selfish Western policies.
    It is not a laughing matter!

    ReplyDelete
  7. So, if he's a Euro-Joke, what's a Euro-tosser?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hey people, why are you not taking this seriously?
    The planet is literally dying as we speak.
    Get real

    ReplyDelete
  9. Why don't you go and preach to someone else?
    We are not all climbing on board, as you say.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Why does VeganSue think that she alone has the right to get angry? Does she think that her anger can drown out the anger of everyone else?
    No, I don't think so. Just because someone is angry, they should not expect the rest of us to follow them and to feel their anger.
    Have you heard of persuasion, VeganSue?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Why the fuck are jerks starting to appear on this website?

    ReplyDelete
  12. I dig that Sven guy's sense of humoooouuuurr. Especially the Euro-joke.
    He kicks ass.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I have the same right as you do to get angry. And you didn't even bother addressing the issue, which is climate change. So that shows how much you give a damn about the argument.
    They call that an 'ad hominem' argument David. Not very helpful to anyone.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Point of order... and I hope that you won't mind my saying it, VeganSue, but it is actually what people would call an 'ad mulierem' argument in view of the fact that you are a woman. (Latin for woman - 'mulier').

    ReplyDelete
  15. La di bloody da.
    Sorry but I didn't know that there was a 'Latin' for climate change!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Anyone seen the latest Thick-of-it? That is genius.

    ReplyDelete
  17. The blogosphere is always going to be second rate, when it appear to be the repository of conspiracy theories

    ReplyDelete
  18. Thanks for that, Brazil,
    Conspiracy theories might not exist, but conspiracies sure as hell do.
    You ask monkeys... or gazelles...
    Have you ever seen a pack, or a pride organising to take down their quarry?
    Wouldn't you call the destruction of a zebra by several lions a conspiracy?

    ReplyDelete
  19. The saddest thing with Hitler is that he wasn't killed by a Jew or Jews

    ReplyDelete
  20. You just do not understand conspiracies. They are too complicated, aren't they?

    ReplyDelete
  21. Let's hope that he was killed by a Jew

    ReplyDelete
  22. I have always put my trust in mild mannered men, myself

    ReplyDelete